Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The New American Dream?

Over the past few years something has occurred that's blurred the lines between "mainstream" and "independent". From movies to fashion to music, it seems the two worlds have collided and left no discernible way to determine where one ends and the other begins. In 2009 it almost feels like popular culture has caved into itself and from this point forward, will just continue to metaphorically "devour itself" until there's nothing left. A prime example of this is the "new breed of indie movie" (Juno, Little Miss Sunshine, the movie with Jim from The Office) which are so utterly aware of their "indie" status and have somehow successfully courted mainstream audiences (stupid people) and alternative audiences (stupid people who like to pretend otherwise) and brought the two camps together. By positioning themselves firmly in the middle (LOL, sounds dirty) and pandering to both sides, these films have essentially "gotten their cake" and were able to "eat it too".
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That brings me to my next point, "selling out". When it was once a badge of honor for independent bands and artists to openly reject any kind of endorsement from the mainstream, now it's become a "right of passage" of sorts. An indie band knows its "made it" when it's asked to reconfigure the lyrics to one of its songs to tout the wares of "Outback Steakhouse" or allow their songs to be utilized in commercials for luxury vehicles, personalized computers or even towel racks (Target, Kohl's, etc.)
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Indie music has finally cast aside its "holier than thou" attitude and aversion to making a profit/living off of their craft and joined the parade of "sellouts" that used to only consist of rappers and indistinguishable pop-punk or punk-pop bands.
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Before I would be appalled by this lack of "artistic integrity" and sullying the purity of "the music" by attaching a price to it. But now, especially in these economically troubling times, I have come to accept, nay, admire sellouts. Selling out is, and has always been, The American Dream. A nice house, white picket fence, 2.5 children, so on and so on. However now, in the Internet Age, anyone can achieve a newer, modernized version of the American Dream. With the advent of Youtube in 2005, all walks of people can become (Internet) famous. All you need is a decent "gimmick". For examples:


This kid's "shtick" is that he's "autistic" and has a fucked-up grill, meaning his lack of social grace and unappealing looks make him an easy target for anonymous assholes online to insult, which equals page hits which in turns equals a video with semi-famous rappers.


This guy's overweight and doesn't believe in God. He's always very animated and brash, constantly letting loose with "politically incorrect" opinions and a "devil may care attitude."

Again, he stirs up "controversy" because people love to argue and get offended, especially online. Result? Crazy page hits, ad rev and apparently a book deal.

Most importantly (for me anyway) is blogs. Blogging can make you internet famous as well and if you're lucky, maybe even rich. Like Youtube personalities, a blog that wants to "hit a nerve" with people needs a good gimmick. One of my favorites blogs, and the one that inspired this post is the popular Hipsterrunoff.com. HRO is a fertile breeding ground for gimmicks. From the blogger Carles' "text speak" writing style, to his saturation of the word "bro" and pretending to get hacked and rise from the dead. All these gimmicks have made Hipsterunoff, like its tag line proclaims, "a blog worth blogging about." Now it even has its own clothing line. (Did u get ur shirt yet?)
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With all that said, I have decided that I, too, need to get on this bandwagon of self-branding/promotion and maybe make some money in the process. My blog needs a decent gimmick or two to get people's attention and generate page views. Here are a few ideas I'll throw out.

-I could take my "jail bait" posts up a notch and paste the heads of famous underage teen starlets onto the bodies of porn stars in sexually explicit poses---but I'm afraid this might cross some kind of "line of ethics"& get me in trouble with the authorities or blogger.com

-I could turn my blog strictly into a "celebrity gossip" blog, ala Perez Hilton and try to "out" closeted homosexual celebrities.

-I could use my blog to perpetrate false celebrity death rumors/start a Celebrity Death Pool and take bets on who readers think will expire next.

-I could just post hardcore pornography and hope enough people come to my page to masturbate and tell their friends about all the awesome amputee & bestiality flicks on Perpetual Adolescent Funk.

I'm not sure if any of these ideas would hold up in the long run, or if they'd just get played out very quickly or never really take off in the first place. I'm also unsure if I want to cross any kind of ethical lines, like I said before, and all of these ideas seem to require my doing so. Maybe selling out isn't all that important. Maybe I can just blog without worrying about page hits and becoming "bigger than HRO." Maybe there's more to life than being famous for doing something trivial on the internet. I suppose time will only tell.

Monday, September 28, 2009

More jail bait!

The people have spoken and they've demanded we post more jail bait...like we needed an excuse!!

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Fierce!

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She doesn't look 15 to me!

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She's just being Miley!

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A body like a linebacker with the face of a church mouse!

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Gotta love those redheads!

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Oh she's just looking for trouble!

Today's post was brought to you by: Roman Polanski.
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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Living in post-racial America.

It's almost been a year since the November elections when America chose Barack Obama as the first ever black president of the United States, thus putting a proverbial bullet into the head of racism and killing it forever. Right? I mean, we have a black guy running shit now, that means America has finally gotten past its racial hangups and sullied past. We, as Americans, can now honestly say we longer see color.
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Let's be honest, the term "post-racial America" has been adopted by conservatives who want to spin Obama's being elected into an irreproachable excuse to remain as racist and bigoted as they've always been, if not more so.
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I'm no "conspiracy nut" or anything, but I sometimes get the feeling Obama was only elected into office as a kind of courtesy service for blacks and all other minorities, and a way for "guilty" white liberals to cover their asses. It's kind of like the equivalent of having a token black/brown/yellow friend to prove you're not racist...or owning the movie "Crash" in your DVD collection.
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After Obama's four years of being the HNIC (Head Nigga in Charge) are up it will be back to business again. Some old white man will take his rightful place as POTUS and America can forever pat itself on the back and say "See, we're not so bad, we let a black guy try and lead for four whole years! That was fun, but now let's get serious again." Of course I could be totally off base here, and I hope I am. I would love to believe America is legitimately "changing" for the better, but the pessimist in me just won't allow it.
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Saturday, September 26, 2009

Miley cream action!

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THE TOP (or bottom) 16 CLOSETED GAY CARTOON/COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME!

Perpetual Adolescent Funk is super liberal. We love smoking weed, we love getting abortions but most of all we love The Gays! In honor of "Gay Closeted Celebrities Month", we bring you: THE TOP 16 CLOSETED GAY CARTOON/COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME!

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Scooby Doo

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Betty Rubble

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Doctor Doom

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Dagwood

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Popeye

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The entire cast of "Rugrats"

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J. Jonah Jameson

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Linus

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Race Bannon

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Aunt May

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Mr. Spacely

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Dr. Octopus

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The Thundercats. All of them. Except for Snarf. He's always been openly gay.

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Gumby

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Lois Lane

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The Katzenjammer Kids

They're here, they're (secretly) queer, get used to it!

Katy Perry is all "wet"!

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Katy Perry's latest single "Waking Up in Vegas" is the hottest song on the radio right now! She's kissed a girl, dated a black man and now she's tearing up Sin City!
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Katy Perry is the Cyndi Lauper of the Twitter Generation!
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(Side note: We would still fuck Cyndi Lauper even though she's coming up on 60. Would you???)

Friday, September 25, 2009

Final Destination IRL.

Unless you live under a rock or don't have a "Twitter" account, you're very much aware of the rash of celebrity deaths this year. While me, myself, personally, myself, I, don't subscribe to any kind of religious beliefs, I am quite superstitious and I'm of the opinion "Death" has it out for any and all celebrities. He (Death) made it clear that fateful week in June when he claimed not only Michael Jackson, but also Billy Mays, that he was not discriminating when it came to who he chose to drag back to Hell with him. No one is safe. This "conspiracy" reaches as high as the King of Pop and as low as Jessica Simpson's dog. That's why if I were some C or D list celebrity, such as Paris Hilton, Ray-J, those old bitches on The View, Flava Flav, I would be extra careful. I would watch what I ate, what I drank, who I associated with and always, ALWAYS wear my seat belt.
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This brings me to the main point of this post. Today Conan O'Brien was injured while filming a segment for his show. Miraculously, he did not die. However, I firmly believe this is only because he, being the funniest man on late night television, somehow outwitted Death and narrowly escaped becoming his next victim. If you've seen any of the eighteen Final Destination movies you already know that it's only a matter of time before Death comes back for Conan.
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It could be while he's shaving in the morning and through some seemingly "random" tragic accident end up slitting his own throat. Or maybe he'll get on a roller coaster that just arbitrarily "decides" to malfunction, sending the red-headed funnyman to a grisly, cinematic demise.
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I also feel that because he was outfoxed by Conan, Death will be extra diligent and vengeful and we'll see a whole slew of celebrities kneeling over in the weeks to come as a sort of "pay back" for being made to look like a jackass.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those sick fucks who starts "Celebrity Death" pools at work and gets some kind of perverse (and financial) satisfaction from seeing our most beloved entertainers expire. I want Conan to live forever. I want all celebrities except for those with reality shows on VH1 to outlive all us normal people. I just feel that this is not a good year to be famous. I feel once Death has marked you, all you can do is sit and wait for "it" to happen. Conan got lucky this time, but will he be so lucky next time? We can only hope. Death is, as they say, a (sunuva) bitch.
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The dumbest Youtube video ever.



Wow, that was horrible. Uh, yeah, the reason Billie Joe looks so "sad" in the majority of those photos is becuase he's wearing eyeliner and he's OLD! Eyeliner on tired, wrinkled eyes would make anyone look crestfallen! JESUS CHRIST! The person who uploaded this video is a 17-year-old German girl. Normally we would write this off as a "stupid kids will be stupid kids" and "blame it on the "language" barrier" thing, but there is no excuse for this video's utter lack of irony and sheer stupidity! 17 is too old to be carrying on this way, and the German's are not stupid people, so that's not cutting any ice either. Oh, and the real kicker? The final nail in the coffin? Korn covering "Creep" by Radiohead?! The fact that it's Radiohead being covered isn't the problem, it's the fact that KORN has the audacity to cover anyone! It doesn't matter if they're trying their hand at Ricky Martin or The Beatles, you're fucking KORN for God's sake!
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Selena Gomez mega picture post extravaganza!

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Is there such a thing as "too adorable"?