Perpetual Adolescent Funk

Did you watch the VMAs?

2010-09-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

I know I'm kind of late with my post-VMAs coverage, so we'll just call this my post-post VMAs coverage, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

I didn't actually watch the show because I'm above watching that sort of thing (but not above blogging about it, amirite?!?) but I can pretty much piece together what went down from the Internet buzz. Apparently Taylor Swift got all "Lith Fair" and decided to sing a serious song about last year's incident with Kanye West. Instead of treating it as the joke it is, she got serious and came up with some song that made it seem like Kanye ran up on stage and raped her. Whereas last year Taylor got a lot of sympathy from stupid people and pre-teens, this year the majority of folks were just like "Bitch, are you serious with this shit? C'mon, son." That should have been the reaction to the whole thing last year, but like I said, people generally tend to be idiots.

Some chick named Chelsea Handler "hosted" the show and I'm not sure if she bombed or not. I read some things online from people who thought she was a bit out of line with some of her racial humor and I guess Sarah Silverman turned down MTV to host because isn't that her shtick? Saying really racist shit but with that "Haha, I'm just kidding, it's satire" defense? If the consensus is that Chelsea Handler bombed, I guess some people could just point to that and say "See, I told you women aren't funny!". But that's unfair because it is MTV and MTV is lame as fuck, and that lameness rubs off on everyone who comes into contact with MTV, especially the people who agree to host its award shows. Funny or not, she's hot and I'd totally hit that, which at the end of the day is all that matters.

The biggest moment of the show however was Lady Gaga. Not the fact that she won every single award, but that she wore a dress made out of meat. At first I was like, whatever, it's Lady Gaga she's an "artists" and is like, s0 random. The next day however, I read that her dress was suppose to "mean something", I'm not going to find the article with actual quotes, but I'll paraphrase. Basically she said the meat dress represented "human rights" and if we don't speak up for our rights, we're no more than the meat that hangs from our bones. And I was just like, yeah, whatever the fuck THAT means Gaga. She also mentioned something about gay soldiers and how the dress was for them too, blah blah blah. Listen Gaga, if you want to throw on a meat dress because you're a wacky bitch who loves attention then cool, just say that. But don't insult my intelligence and pull some lame, head-scratching rationale about how the dress symbolizes something out of your ass and expect me to take it at face value. That's not cool and it's not O.K.

All and all another mediocre clusterfuck being passed off as entertainment by MTV which only reinforces the fact Lady Gaga is an annoying attention whore who's BFFs with Perez Hilton. WHATEVER.

This is a post about fat people.

2010-07-08T00:13:00.001-07:00

I was fucking around on Tumblr, shifting through all of the memes and pictures of gnarled tree breaches with really meaningful text written over them in Helvetica font when I came across this photo of Beth Ditto.

Beth Ditto is the lead singer of The Gossip, some hipster r&b, rock 'n roll group. As you can clearly see, Beth is fat. Perhaps even obese. Please note the excessive cottage cheese on her thighs. I know this is the 21st century and I'm suppose to keep it PC and be all enlightened and shit and say "Big girl, you're beautiful" or whatever, but I'm not going to. No, let's "keep it real" you guys. This shit is disgusting. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, attractive about this picture or this woman (besides her haircut maybe.) I'm all for having a positive body image and being comfortable in your skin, but there's a line.

Even though I usually change the station when my TV starts bitching and moaning about obesity running rampant in America, I think they might have a point. And I don't mean from a health perspective, I mean strictly from a cosmetic perspective. If you're a female, why would you allow yourself to get as big as Beth Ditto, like, seriously. Why? You'll never get laid. I mean, OK, maybe fat dudes would want a piece of that never-ending ass, or guys filled up with so much booze they don't really care what happens to their penis, but come on. You should aim higher than that. Ladies, you need to love yourself first before an attractive man will, and that means not having gross cottage cheese thighs.

When I see a picture like this of someone Beth Ditto's size prancing around on stage, all secure and happy with their unhealthy waist size, I get sad. Then I get kind of pissed off. Kids will see images like this and think it's OK to be fucking huge, and that creates a whole new generations of whales walking around with an unwarranted sense of self-importance/confidence. I've noticed there are a lot of fat women on Twitter who fancy themselves "sex kittens" or something. They think just because they have size G breasts due to excessive lard content in their body they can tweet sexually suggestive things and post "sexy" pics of themselves via Twitpic. Women like this are under the delusion of being "thick", when in reality, they are morbidly obese and gross. If it weren't so sad/perverse, I'd find it funny. But it's not funny, it's tragic.

What's even more tragic is the emergence of websites/pornography dedicated to fat women. So-called "chubby chasers" are just exacerbating the problem by letting these women think it's OK to eat ten large meals a day and still be considered sexy/fuckable. It's not cool, bro. Not at all. The bottom line is, if you're fat, OK, whatever, but don't "show off" your rolls like it's a major turn on for normal, well-adjusted men. Just sit quietly in the back of McDonald's and eat your five Big Macs, fifty piece nuggets and bag full of fries then keep it moving. Don't get up and do a strip tease, or smack your belly and watch it jiggle. It's not sexy and it's not OK.

Is it time to forgive Chris Brown?

2010-07-02T03:38:00.001-07:00

As most of you know, Chris Brown, the once reigning king of tween pop, performed a tribute to the now deceased King of Pop, Michael Jackson, during the BET music awards. Last year he was suppose to do a tribute, but Jay-Z wouldn't let him because I think Jigga Man acts as some sort of elder statesman of black popular music. Anyhow, during the tribute Breezy got embarrassingly emotional and broke down in tears like a little bitch.

This seemingly spontaneous display of emotion sent the Internet all aflutter and temporarily crashed Twitter. People in real life and in the digital world were divided as to whether or not Chris Brown was sincere and truly mourning the passing of the now most beloved man who ever lived, Michael Jackson, or simply using this as an opportunity to get back in the spotlight and sell more CDs. I read a lot of Tweets that proclaimed "Breezy was back!" and that he would snatch the crown away from Justin Beaver as the greatest teenage heartthrob of all time. Were Brown's tears, sincere or otherwise, really enough though? If you recall, the reason he was "black listed" in the first place was for beating the living shit out of Rihanna last year and giving light-skinned black men everywhere a bad name.

Are we really ready to forgive someone who batters women for shits and giggles and give them a second chance? I think it's kind of bizarre that people are more willing to forgive Chris Brown then they are someone like Tiger Woods, who really didn't do anything "wrong" besides step out on his wife and fuck some other white women. If we forgive Chris Brown but still treat Tiger like he's some sort of scumbag, are we saying it's "OK" to rough up chicks, but dipping your penis into some skag who isn't your wife/girlfriend is totally not cool? What kind of message does that send to the children who are more impressionable/autistic than ever?

Anyway, did you watch the BET music awards, or is that not really your scene (you know, being non-black and all.) What was up with all those different crazy-ass bag ladies who crashed the stage and butchered all those Prince songs?

I think one thing we can all agree on is, even at the age of 78, Prince is still a very sexy motherfucker, right?

Is Lady Gaga always "in character"?

2010-04-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting here thinking a lot about Lady Gaga and how quirky and genius-y she is. I started to wonder how she acted when she wasn't in the public eye and you know, just at home in her mansion chilling, surfing the Internet or whatever. Does someone like Lady Gaga even do things like chill and surf the net? Or is she constantly thinking outside the box and acting wacky and artsy? Does she ever just wear some sweats and a comfy old sweater around the house, or is she always decked out in some elaborate costume that challenges our preconceived notions about what "fashion is"? Is Lady Gaga like a comedian who is always on and being funny? Or, like said comedian, is being funny 24/7 who she really is? Is being a set piece for a really pretentious play all day everyday who Lady Gaga really is? Maybe at one point the lines blurred and she forgot how to be a normal, well adjusted person and the Lady Gaga persona just took over entirely.

I'm worried Lady Gaga's grace period may be over and her honeymoon with the public might be ending. I've read some articles about how people are fucking tired of her bullshit and famous Jewish comedian Jerry Seinfeld even came out and said he "hated her fucking guts and hopes she trips on her absurd, impractical footwear and breaks her goddamn neck and dies." (direct quote) It's like, wow, what's the deal with that? (hehehe) Gags, better be careful, there's this new chick in town who appears to be moving in on her territory named Christina Aguilera. Like Lady Gaga, Christina Aguilera is all about weird-ass costumes, shitty Euro dance music and being sexually explicit, as shown here in this music video.

It looks to me like she out "Gaga'ed" Gaga. If I'm Lady Gaga's PR team I'm calling an emergency meeting and brainstorming some ideas to withstand this backlash/competition. I'm thinking maybe we go the "Kiss route" ala when they appeared on national TV sans their makeup. I suggest to Gaga she ditch the gimmicky costumes and just do a concert as Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (her real person name). This shows people, "Hey, I'm not just some freak show who needs attention, I'm an actual human being with something viable to say musically." Maybe she releases an acoustic album that gets sold in Starbucks, kind of like Norah Jones. I don't know, but what I do know is, she has to start thinking about reinventing herself, like Madonna did eighty years ago, or at the very least appearing fully naked, legs spread wide in Penthouse or something.

Lady GaGa will figure prominently in this post.

2010-03-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

First, it's good to be back. I've been toiling away on Tumblr the last few months posting black and white pictures of beautiful things and quoting really poignant and meaningful movies. But I'm back now, ready to be irreverent and snarky again.

This post will ~~shit on~~ talk about the music video that has Twitter/the entire world abuzz, Lady GaGa's nine minute magnum opus Telephone, featuring The 'Yonce.

My first reaction after watching was "Does Quentin Tarantino know about this?" and my second reaction was "This song kind of sucks, why's it get a nine minute video?" and my third and final reaction was "Women's prisons are just as hot as Cinemax advertised, ass cheeks!" Now, I'm not the most cultured or smartest guy around, so maybe I just don't "get" this video or Lady GaGa's whole shtick in general, but I find myself asking "What's the big fucking deal?" Why is she viewed as this genius who isn't afraid to "push the envelope" and "go there"? Is it because she wears soda cans in her hair? Because she owns a pair of cigarette sun glasses? Because she "goes both ways" when it comes to coming? Do all those things warrant the critical and commercial accolades heaped upon Gags? Didn't Madonna do all of this shit like 60 years ago? I don't know, you tell me. Like I said, I might not be smart enough or artistically inclined enough to understand.

What's Lady Gaga's music about anyway? I'm so morbidly fascinated with her bizarre uniforms and her visual presentation that I haven't had time to actually listen to the lyrics. Does she just sing about dancing and getting fucked up at the club and making out with men and women, or do some of her songs "say something" about American society or, like, Africa? Sometimes I get the feeling she's an American version of Bjork, but somehow lacking any substance. But I can't really stand behind this theory 100 percent because I'm not sure if Bjork is a "credible artist" herself or just a sideshow attraction. Anyway, I think the real point here is, unless your name is Michael Jackson, you really have no business making a music video exceeding five minutes. The man's only been dead a few months, let the body at least get cold first, Jesus.

Can we seriously get serious for a moment? Seriously.

2010-01-20T14:41:00.000-08:00

I'm a professional blogger, that means I have many poignant life experiences under my belt. I've been around the block a few times and I know what's what, you know? I feel I'd be doing a great disservice to my millions of readers if I didn't share one of these experiences today. It's important that the reader have a solid relationship with the blogger, much like the relationship you share with your probation officer and or drug dealer. The following is a story taken from the book of my life.

The year was 2005 and I had just turned 19. I was attending a respectable community college and held a part time job stacking boxes. I was extremely lonely and comically depressed. As a member of Generation Y, I had a difficult time interacting with human beings face-to-face and preferred the comfort and familiarity of the internet and instant messaging. By early February I had hit rock bottom. I alienated everyone at work and virtually dropped out of school. I would drive to campus in the morning, park my car and sit there for five to six hours listening to Belle & Sebastian and doodling in my notebooks. In layman's terms I was acting like a complete "emo faggot."

My only solace was in AOL chat rooms. By '05 they were already a forgotten relic of a bygone era, but I still got a kick out of them. One night after work I entered a chat room created by AOL members called "Linkin Park." If you recall, chat rooms created by members feature a "bolt", meaning the person who created said room had the power to ban/kick anyone out of the room at their discretion. This is how I first met Rita. She wielded the power and authority of The Bolt and luckily for me I "passed the test" and was deemed cool enough to remain in the chat. Soon I would become a "regular", popping in every night after work and eventually screen names gave way to our IRL names and a friendship began to bloom.

Rita was 16 at the time and more depressed than me. We would stay up until the wee hours of the morning bemoaning how depressed and alienated we were and gradually I developed an "e-crush" on her. Now my days were spent waiting until I could get back online to chat with Rita and regal her with tales of all the injustices the world had done me and vice versa. Eventually she revealed she too had developed "feelings" for me and I was thrilled. My lonely days, it seemed, were over. I had found my soul mate thanks to the magic of American Online chat rooms. It was going to be her and I 4ever.

But, alas, a bump in the road surfaced. It seemed I wasn't the only sad bastard Rita had been "flirting" with online. I was sharing her affections with another member from the chat, Brian G. Rita "liked" Brian too, but apparently he was an asshole, so that made it appear I was comfortably ahead in the race for her heart. I thought I was in love with a girl I had never even met face to face before. Eventually we "made it official" and started "dating". This consisted of us agreeing to one another that we were dating, and then announcing it to one or two people on our buddy lists. All was right with the world. Or so I thought (dun dun duuun). Weeks later the novelty of our beautiful cyber union had begun to wan for her and she became aloof (as aloof as a person communicating through text can be) and I started to panic. It was only a matter of time before she "broke up" with me. It hurt. It hurt bad.

In an act of defiance and anger I ran a postcard she had mailed me from when she was in Las Vegas with her mother through the shredder. That made me feel better for about seven to thirteen minutes. She wanted to "remain friends" and I had promised myself not to fall for that trick and to cut her out of my Internet life (or just life) completely, but of course I relented and we still chatted. Obviously it wasn't the same and I desperately wanted to breach the subject of "us" with her, but was reluctant to do so in fear of scaring her off. I vowed to myself that I would slowly but surely win her back by showing her what a catch I was. I had time, there was no rush.

There was a rush because while all of this was going on, Rita was getting very chummy with Brian G.'s best friend, who he had introduced her to as a means of gloating. She would drop slight hints about this guy, but they were always followed by what a jerk he was, so I wasn't too worried. Unfortunately the old adage held true about girls falling for jerks, because they become extremely close. They were exchanging lengthy e-mails to one another (like her and I used to do!) and soon took to talking on the phone (something she always ducked out of doing with me). Things were looking bleak. I was losing her to some asshole with a French sounding name. But I didn't give up hope completely. Naively I assumed my position as the nice guy, the best friend she came to do with all her problems would work in my favor in the long run. How stupid. I was thrown for a loop because she would constantly reiterate how much she loved me and that was enough for me to keep going. Finally I came out and told her that I was in love with her and wanted her back. She was very clear when she said that she "loved me as a friend, but was not in love with me." It was officially over. The dream was dead.

After that I stopped talking to her for about three months. Then we'd exchange polite e-mails every once in a while, but I just couldn't keep up the charade as if everything was fine and we were just two good friends catching up with each other. I was in love alone and there was no getting around that. I broke off communication with her completely.

This past August I spontaneously e-mailed Rita and we ended up chatting on AIM. I found out that she and Brian G.'s friend had gotten married and they now live in Texas. The five years that have come and gone helped cushion that blow, and while I am no longer "in love" with her, it still stung just a bit. But then I think about Brian G., the guy who was "there first" and how in the end, he's the one that got fucked over the most. The funny part though is, it's kind of his fault. If he had never introduced Rita to his buddy to brag, he might be the one married to her instead of him. Me? I was just a fifth wheel along for the ride. Never really a contestant in the "Rita sweepstakes" (I hope that doesn't come off as crass.) I never really had a shot, I was only a mere distraction, a reprieve from the chaos and adolescence hormones playing themselves out online. It was an interesting, albeit somewhat pathetic chapter in my life, but goddamn it sure is funny in retrospect.

Golden Globe Recap Post?

2010-01-19T05:53:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit confused as to what this blog is about anymore. Initially I thought it was going to focus primarily on the trials and tribulations of a 20-something trapped in a perpetual state of adolescence. Then I thought it would just be a place for me to express my (illegal/morally reprehensible?) admiration for teenage girls. Finally I thought it would just be a place where I made fun of celebrities, kind of like that journalist Perez Hilton. My blog has gone through so many different identity crisis, I feel like a bi-racial person who has to choose between being black or being black but with lighter skin. It's very frustrating but at the same time I feel I have an unique perspective to be able to blog about anything I want. Since this is the internet and everyone's opinion is important, I'm ~~under the delusion~~ my blog can inspire people and help them gain insight into a particular subject they might have lacked before. That's why I think it's important I blog about last night's Golden Globes award ceremony.

Before I begin I just want make it absolutely clear that I did not physically watch the Golden Globes with my eyes and that I had no idea what a Golden Globe was until seventeen minutes ago. OK, so I guess the best course of action is to go down the list of winners and offer my unique and invaluable insight. So without further ado...

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture- Mo'nique,Precious
I remember I predicted this movie would win an Oscar in my now classic "Oscar Bait" post. I think Mo'nique deserved to win this award because she is generally considered a comedian and I feel that whenever a comedian steps out of their comfort zone and try their hand at drama they deserve to be recognized for it just because. It's like a truck driver trying to preform open heart surgery. Most likely they're going to fail, but they should receive accolades for being bold enough to try, even though someone needlessly died in the process.

Best Actress in a Television Series, Comedy or Musical- Toni Collette, United States of Tara.
That's that show by Diablo Cody, the stripper who's responsible for Juno. I'm a bit appalled by this one. I honestly feel that Diablo Cody is a determent to humanity and all things pure. I feel she shouldn't be allowed to express herself creatively in any public forum available for mass consumption. Which reminds me and I forgot to mention this months ago, but I'm really pleased that her latest motion picture Jennifer's Body was a total box office failure.

Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- John Lithgow, Dexter.
Haha, he played that alien in that one show about aliens.

Best Animated Feature Film - Up.
My Mom liked this movie, so I don't really want to say anything derogatory about it because I want her to continue paying my rent.

Best Actor in a Television Series, Drama- Michael C. Hall, Dexter.
I don't know who that is. Is Dexter a live-action spin off to Dexter's Laboratory?

Best Actress in a Television Series, Drama- Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife.
I don't know what that is.

Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Grey Gardens.
Now I'm really confused. I thought Grey Gardens was a family friendly theme park or resort for middle-aged married couples on the brink of divorce.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy- Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia.
Isn't that the movie where she plays Mrs. Doubtfire but with Asperger syndrome and Amy Adams is her little sister who bonds with her over baking? Haha, sounds pretty screw ball, I'm glad it won.

Best Actor in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance.
Kevin Bacon showed his penis in Wild Things and in a deleted scene from Footloose.

Best Actress in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Drew Barrymore, Grey Gardens.
Again with the Grey Garden, what the hell.

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture- Jason Reitman, Up in The Air
I love the performance Reitman got out of George Clooney in this movie. I think this was his best work since Batman & Robin.

Best Actor in a Television Series, Comedy or Musical- Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock.
I read somewhere Alec's chest hair is so dense that Stephen Baldwin's career got lost in there, never to be found again.

Best Foreign Language Film- The White Ribbon.
Sounds pretty foreign.

Best Television Series, Drama- Mad Men.
This is that show about business men with erectile dysfunction if I'm not mistaken. A really powerful show for not being afraid to touch on taboo subjects like that. I'm really happy it won.

Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Chloe Sevigny, Big Love.
Chloe Sevigny preformed fellatio on Vincent Gallo.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture- Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds.
I think "bastards" is spelled incorrectly on purpose. Quentin Tarantino is such a visionary.

Best Director - Motion Picture- James Cameron, Avatar
Never heard of it.

Best Televison Series, Comedy or Musical- Glee
These are the same people that did "Prop 8 The Musical, right?

Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical- The Hangover.
This is the movie that launched the career of Jack Black.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama- Sandra Bullock, The Blindside.
I really hope she signs on for Speed 3: The Musical.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy- Robert
Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
I liked him a lot in that movie where he was in black face, haha.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama- Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Remember "The Dude"? Hahaha, he wrote a check for a carton of milk!

And then Avatar won for best motion picture with blue people or some shit, blah blah blah.

Wow, that was really pointless.

A Brief Reflection On Martin Luther King Jr. Day

2010-01-18T22:54:00.000-08:00

Around this time every year we reflect on the life of a great man, Martin Luther King Jr. aka MLK aka Tha Kang. When Martin died on the cross for our sins forty-one years ago he consummated the movement that today makes it possible for men like Tyler Perry to flood cable stations and movie theaters with modern day minstrel shows and unadulterated buffoonery. When MLK had a dream, he dreamed of a 6'5 black man dressed up in drag wielding a gun. He dreamed of hackneyed plot devices and broad, one dimensional characters. He dreamed of pandering to a specific demographic and milking that cash cow for all it was worth. This was his dream and we can proudly say that dreams do come true.

Top Ten Box Office Movie Reviews Part 2

2010-01-17T05:46:00.000-08:00

Sheeeeeiiiit. I haven't been to the movies in years it seems. I firmly believe American cinema peaked during the summer of 2007 with the arrival of Superbad and since then has slowly but surely regressed, like A.J. from the Backstreet Boys hairline:
(Damn, I can't believe I went there.)

But what do I know, like I said, I haven't been to "the theater" in like, forever. Fortunately that minor detail won't prevent me from reviewing the top ten grossing movies in the box office this week, or last week or whatever week this is. I'm not sure anymore, I have a substance abuse problem. LET'S GO!

Avatar- I really don't know what to say about this movie. I've seen the previews, I've read the rave reviews and I'm following relevant celebs on twitter who vouch for it, but shit. I just don't have any desire to watch this. Plus, I think it's one of those movies that try and subtlety throw in some kind of message about how humans are scum and are destroying the earth or some bullshit like that. WHATEVER Al Gore.

Sherlock Holmes- You know, for all intent and purposes, Robert Downey Jr. should be dead right now, or at the very least appearing alongside Gary Busey in some shitty B movie cop drama that goes straight to DVD/the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. But no, he's conquered his demons and is really making good over there in Hollywood. However, I think the only way I'd even remotely consider seeing this movie is if Gary Busey played Watson.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel- I really don't have to say anything about this one, it speaks for itself.

Daybreakers- OKAY, let me get this straight: this movie is about vampires, but it's not a love story with a Mormon abstinence message undertone and sparkly bloodsuckers? Haha, yeah right, and there was a sixth Rocky film! Psh, you must think I'm stupid!

It's Complicated- No, it's not really. It's rather simple, Alec Baldwin will never turn down any role. Ever.

Leap Year- This movie is weird. It seems like it only exists to exist. Like someone just said "Hey, I think we should do a movie with Amy Adams just for the fuck of it." and whoever green lights these pieces of shit was like "Sure, what the hell. Just throw something together and we'll start shooting right away. Fuck it." Then again I think I just described 80% of all movies but OMG Amy Adams is so adorable though!!!!

The Blindside- WTF? This is still in theaters? Damn, I guess people really do love "feel-good" movies. Haha, people are so stupid! Except for me of course, I have a blog.

Up In The Air- Ugh.

Youth in Revolt- In which Michael Cera stretches himself as an actor and plays Michael Cera playing Michael Cera as a little bit of a douche. So just Michael Cera. Haha, just kidding, I read he's very sweet in real life and likes to play the guitar.

The Princess and the Frog- Oh my God! A Disney animated movie with black people as the main characters?! Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen body is turning in its, um, meat locker right now! I like how the movie is set in 1920's New Orleans and there's probably nary a mention of, I don't know, the rampant racism that was common during that time (AKA The Shawshank Redemption syndrome.) Haha, I love fairy tales.

Looks like it's been a good year for movies thus far. I look forward to critiquing more in the near future. Until then, I leave you with this:

On: Tiger Woods.

2009-12-31T08:46:00.000-08:00

I've avoided talking about the "Tiger Woods scandal" thus far because honestly, I didn't think it was blog worthy. According to Twitter trending topics, however, I was mistaken. Apparently AT&T has opted to discontinue sponsoring Mr. Woods in light of his recent troubles. In actuality, Tiger has decided to stop sponsoring AT&T. Here are some fun facts, Tiger Woods is rich. Tiger Woods pulls the most white bitches since Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods doesn't need AT&T. If Tiger wanted, he could BUY AT&T right now, fuck the finest white women working for the company and then retire to his yacht for the remainder of the day counting his money and counting down to the new year. Here's another fact, Tiger Woods IS golf. If Tiger decides he's taking a break from playing, guess what? No one gives a shit about golf anymore. People are so accustom to watching Tiger dominate on the course every year that anything less in unacceptable and quite frankly, boring as fuck.

Tiger is the equivalent to the emperor back in ancient Rome during the gladiator games who decides who lives and who dies and right now, Tiger has decreed golf will get devoured by the lions because he's on vacation from golf. I read that Tiger checked into sex rehab. All that means is Tiger hoped onto his private jet to scourge the globe for some white women he hasn't fucked yet. Tiger is on a pussy safari, so the hell with AT&T and to hell with golf. When Tiger's decided his insatiable appetite for Beckys can be put on hold for a few hours so he can hit a different kind of ball into some holes, then the game of golf will be relevant again. So until then...

Perpetual Adolescent Funk's New Years Resolution(s).

2009-12-30T00:34:00.000-08:00

2009 has been a sonofabitch of a year and it goes without saying I am very eager to begin fresh with the dawn of a new decade, i.e. 2010. Like most Americans, I will make New Years Resolutions, hollow, half-assed declarations to improve myself in the coming year. Of course by the second week of January said resolutions will be long forgotten and I will quickly and easily fall back into my old, dangerous habits, but it's fun to humor oneself nonetheless. With that said, here are my New Years Resolutions for the year 2010:

-I will eat more kittens.

-I will rob more kittens at gunpoint.

-I will grab less ass and more boob.

-I will high-five more bobcats during my lunch break at work.

-I will adorn my newborn child with various cooperate logos in an attempt to generate more disposable income for my family.

-I will butt-fuck opposing players in my local adult soccer league.

-Will set fire to my hair and get an unnecessary amount of facial piercings.

-I will wear more ironic t-shirts and tentatively consider liposuction, then back out at the last minute because my HMO probably doesn't cover that.

-I will encourage my child to smoke only "lite" cigarettes in an effort to prolong his/her/its life expectancy by several weeks.

-I will eat you.

-I Will pretend Adam Sandler is still relevant/funny.

-I will ejaculate on more women from greater distances.

-I will have more threesomes with Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep.

-I will go to Wal-Mart with my life partner of 20 years and have our picture taken to include in holiday greeting cards.

-I will clone myself and do a copious amount of cocaine.

-I will fuck this man in the beard.

-I will enthusiastically perform amateur pap smears on all of my female acquaintances.

-I will sexually harass more women in the office.

-I will became a complete and utter douche bag/tool.

-I will enjoy more hardcore pornography with friends and loved ones instead of alone or at an internet cafe.

-I will experiment more with alternative lifestyles.

I will NOT watch the Oscars.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

This Was Never Funny.

2009-12-27T21:40:00.001-08:00

Hello and welcome to This Was Never Funny, a new segment of the blog where I present something that has never been funny, yet continues to exist in some form or another in popular culture. Today's "winner" is: White people wearing giant afro wigs.

This is not now, nor has it ever been even remotely funny. It's not even funny in a painfully self-aware, post-post-post ironic meta sort of way. It's just uninspired and embarrassing. I know white people have a history of hijacking black fashion styles, music, manner of speech, motherland, etc., but the giant afro wig is just inexcusable.

Even though I don't advocate this kind of dumbass-ness (it's a word, look it up), I think I would prefer white folks going the "black face route" and dressing up as their "favorite rapper", ala a campus Halloween party at some college in Texas/North Carolina/Boston. At least this is "pushing the envelope" some and is funny in a "My God, I can't believe how outrageous/utterly offensive this is" kind of way.

When The Whites put their minds to it, they can be quiet hilarious, all I ask is that they try harder and don't take the easy way out by purchasing a giant afro wig at the local costume shop/Wal-Mart Super Store or wherever the hell those things are bought. Don't sell yourself short, you're "better than that".

Merry Christmas everyone.

2009-12-24T21:06:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: Hey everyone, this post is going to be about Christmas, so if you're one of those liberals who gets all "butt hurt" when bloggers like myself assume everyone is a Christian of some sort and celebrates Christmas, you might want to stop reading now.

So anyway, I want to talk about the real reason we celebrate Christmas in this blog entry. It's not about receiving presents or candy cane BJs during the annual Holiday office party. Christmas is really about the birth of Jesus Christ about 90 years ago on December 25th. Jesus was a "pretty big deal", he was the son of God, even though he was raised by a janitor named Joseph because God was pretty busy making bad stuff happen to good people and couldn't really be bothered with raising a kid at the time.

Jesus was a "gifted" child, he graduated from the University of Phoenix when he was only 15 and got a job as a paid intern for some major marketing firm. When he was 33 he mysteriously died after finding a cure for AIDS only months before. His legacy lives on in films, bloody conflicts in countries I can't pronounce and the popular children's book "The Bible."

Christmas is a celebration of this great man's life, so when you're opening presents and having a temper tantrum because Santa didn't bring you that WiFit you wanted, remember Jesus and the fact that he cured AIDS for you and your sins.

Top 10 Celebrity Quotes of The Decade!

2009-12-22T23:25:00.000-08:00

This decade is damn near done with and I felt now would be the proper time to hit you with the Top 10 Celebrity Quotes of The 2000's. These are some of the most hilarious, controversial and profound things our most beloved celebrities have uttered these last nine years, so sit back and get ready to laugh/cry/shake your heads in dismay!

10: "Please pay attention to me." -Perez Hilton

9: "This is it." -Michael Jackson

8: "I don't care for black people very much." -Michael Richards

7: "Let's do some cocaine." -Lindsay Lohan

6: "How about a blow job today?" -Paris Hilton

5: "Let's do some cocaine." -Britney Spears

4: "We believe in God." -The Jonas Brothers

3: "Bill O'Reilly can suck my dick. And yes, it does lean towards the left." -Keiff Oblermann

2: "BRB, water-boarding." -Dick Cheney

1: "I like to fuck women who are not my wife, now leave me alone." -Tiger Woods

There you have it folks, the Top 10 Celebrity Quotes of The Decade. I can't wait to hear what they're gonna say next time around!

On the subject of high school.

2009-12-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been having nightly dreams about being in high school again. I don't know what these dreams mean, I misplaced my dream interpretation device a while ago, but I was compelled to write this free-form poem on the subject.

Eating lunch in the bleachers
It was hella senior year
Ditching Algebra 2 and going to Rite Aide to buy chocolate eggs
It was hella senior year
Experimenting with "indie culture" for the first time
It was hella senior year
Flunking "gimme" classes, like Art and P.E.
It was hella senior year
Playing 'Unreal Tournament' in computer science class
It was hella senior year
Stalking girls at a safe distance to stare at their jean-clad asses
It was hella senior year
Refusing to wear school colors on Spirit Day
It was hella senior year
Maintaining a 1.5 GPA
It was hella senior year
Cute Asian girl who always wore a navy windbreaker, was she flirting with me?
It was hella senior year
Going to summer school for the sixth straight year
It was hella, senior year.

I think everyone should go watch Never Been Kissed tonight in honor of high school & feeling like you've peaked at 17.

"It was hella senior year."

This is another post about Christina Ricci.

2009-12-07T04:33:00.001-08:00

I was watching Addam's Family Values on my television set and decided I needed to post hella pictures of Christina Ricci on my blog. The beauty of having your own blog is you can pretty much post whatever you want and people can either read it or skim through it or not read it at all but still "hate" on it or not read it and not hate and just get on with their lives. This is why I love existing on the internet.

Legit.

Oscar bait!

2009-11-24T21:24:00.000-08:00

I was glancing up at my "Ladies of Fox News" calendar and noticed it's "Oscar season", meaning the creative juggernauts over in Hollywood are rearing up to entice us, the movie-going masses, with their most worthy, artistically inclined films, AKA, Oscar Bait. What exactly is Oscar Bait you ask? Simply only the most pandering, agenda-oriented, contrived pieces of cinema Tinsel Town can squeeze out of her vaginal canal and into the big bad world of entertainment goddammit! Let's take a look at three such films being served up this season, shall we?

First up we have Precious, the story of an obese teenage Afro-American female who pretty much has every bad thing imaginable happen to her, like ever.

Like any Oscar Bait movie worth its weight in critical acclaim, this cinematic gem offers us an "underdog story", where the main character seems to have the entire world pitted against them, yet somehow they still manage to persevere and come out on top, like Rocky or that movie with the kid who saw dead people and became a social worker for ghost or something. Another key element for successful Oscar Bait is movies about minorities. Precious is looking like an early winner because not only is it about a black female underdog, but she's also horrendously fat. The academy loves stories about diabetic black teenage mothers! Bravo!

Next up we have The Blind Side, a movie about a large black teenager (hmmm, sounds vaguely familiar) who is homeless, yet overcomes this minor inconvenience to win a football scholarship or some such thing.

Wow, I kind of teared up a little there. This movie is Oscar Bait dynamite! We have another underdog story, we have an overweight black kid but wait, here's where it really gets good---we have a southern white woman to save the day! Hallelujah! There won't be a dry eye in the theater! Since 93% of everyone working in Hollywood is a white liberal suffering from chronic "white guilt", movies about concerned, good-hearted whites helping down and out black people is an all time favorite, especially during Oscar season. I'm really liking this movie's chances, people. Racism is bad!

Lastly we have Invictus , the story of an African soccer team? Or is that "squash" they're playing, I can't tell.

I think this movie might be based on "actual events", I'm not sure, I'm a blogger, not a history major, but I believe Morgan Freeman is playing some important historical figure. Anyway, this movie is Oscar Bait because it has: A)Underdogs, B)Blacks needing or enlisting the help of whites and C)Accents. Any movie where the characters use some sort of accent must be important, therefore are worthy for Oscar consideration. The fact this movie is based on real shit that went down just helps its case even more because what's more deserving of universal recognition then taking something that actually happened and glossing it over with the magic of Hollywood and taking extreme cinematic liberties? The answer? Not a goddamn thing!

There you have it, three feature films to look out for when those little statues of the naked guy start getting handed out left and right during some boring, self-important five hour show I may or may not blog about later on down the road. Goodnight!

Yo! What are you listening to?! part...4??

2009-11-24T18:15:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, want to know what pussifed band I'm bumping in my whip today? Cool! I'll tell you! Right now I'm all about this groovy little group called The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart. I know, the name makes me cringe a little too, but GODdamn if they don't deliver some unapologetically melodic pop music, also known as "shoegaze" or "dream pop" or "shoe pop" or "dreamy pop shoes music."

I think the original name of this band was "The Pains Of Having a Nauseously Adorable Chick With Cute Bangs In Our Group", but I believe some band from Norway already took that one. Do me a favor? Enjoy this video for their song "Young Adult Friction", OK? Thanks you guys!

This is just filler.

2009-11-24T18:13:00.000-08:00

50th post!

2009-11-19T17:24:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, this is our 50th blog post! Wow, can you believe it? Anyway, everyone here at Perpetual Adolescent Funk really wanted to blog about something special for our 50th post, but we all got too involved with real life issues, like eating food and watching soft core pornography from the mid-90s. Sorry. But don't fret, we're going to make it up to you by blogging at 115% instead of just 94% come this new year. In 2010 we're going to go "hella hard in the paint" (that's a basketball term, Google it!) to propel this blog to new heights of depravity.

Animals > Human beings.

2009-11-03T12:15:00.000-08:00

As some of you may be aware, during a National Basketball Association (NBA) contest between the Sacramento Kings and San Antonio Spurs this past Halloween, Spurs' player Manu Ginobili savagely body slammed a small bat which had been "disrupting" the sporting event on and off throughout the night. The innocent, defenseless creature, who, according to his lawyer, was simply trying to find the exit out of the arena, sustained several cracked ribs and internal hemorrhaging before sadly succumbing to his injuries on route to the hospital.

Animal rights champions PETA had this to say about the incident:
"To bludgeon a 4-ounce animal to death, it takes either a small man or a totally unthinking one—with no respect or consideration for lives humbler than his own. This is a time when athletes in particular need to be on their best behavior around any animal and show that they have brains and a heart, not just reactionary brawn.
Bats always try to avoid contact with humans, and there are plenty of easy ways to keep bats out of a basketball arena (or your home). We hope that the next time someone's life is on the line, Manu Ginobili will take just a few seconds to think before he acts."

As always PETA is right on the money. Unfortunately Manu Ginobili, like many people, feel humans possess some arbitrary superiority over animals simply because we're capable of wearing pants and have souls. Animals are just as important, if not more so, as human beings. Animals are "people too" in a sense and I for one am grateful for organizations like PETA who fight tirelessly for their rights, even at the expense of appearing irrational and plain fucking stupid ~~all of the time~~ at times.

I honestly get sick to my stomach whenever I watch the video of the blood-thirsty Ginobili as he gleefully murders one of God's beautiful creations. What's even more sickening and perverse is the response of the crowd and announcers as they applaud this madman for snuffing out the life of an animal who only wanted to find his way home. If there was any justice in this world, Ginobili and anyone who lauded him for his atrocious display of brutality would be dragged out into the middle of the street and shot at point blank range with a Colt Python .357 Magnum revolver, then have their lifeless bodies thrown into a den of rabid coyotes, wilder beasts, lions, tigers, bears, the hyenas from The Lion King and antelope, where they would be devoured and shat out upon the scorched Earth.

Of course this would never happen because our society is so ass backwards and it's OK for humans to kill animals, but just let a misunderstood pit bull attack a baby, scarring it for life emotionally and physically and before you know it, people will be up in arms, demanding the dog be put down. What a disgusting double standard. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born a person. Sometimes I wish I was an eagle, or a sloth and could live my life as a noble, God fearing animal and not a stupid, car-driving, bat-killing human. All I can do is just hope and pray that one day, sooner than later, animals will finally be looked upon as equals to humans and not second class citizens. "We shall overcome."

Happy Halloween!!

2009-10-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm older and can no longer fully get into the Christmas Spirit because I now know Santa was a "hoax" and I'm expected to give gifts, not merely receive them, Halloween has become my undisputed most favoritest holiday ever! It's the only time of the year (excluding St. Patrick's Day I suppose) when grown-ass men and women can dress up in costumes, get obscenely drunk and not feel ashamed or embarrassed the following morning. With that said, let's take a look at some of the wacky and inventive Halloween costumes people are donning this year!

Fiesta Santa! Cool costume!

This woman dressed up as Christina Ricci's forehead, that's using your ol' noggin! LOL.

Look, it's "Mclovin" from the popular teen drama Superbad!

I think this guy's suppose to be "liver disease" or a really tall Oompa-Loompa.

Kristen Stewart from the movie Twilight.

This little chick is dressed up as "jail bait" or "Miley Cyrus."

An Irish potato farmer.

This guy's going trick or treating as a "homosexual".

Frida Kahlo.

Rock dinosaur Dee Snider.

A "crazy man."

An African-American Harry Potter.

Remember gang, be safe this year if you're going trick or treating, don't accept any apples with razor blades in them or poisoned candy. :D

Yo! What are you listening to (again again)?!

2009-10-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

Today I'm listening to a band called "The Lil' Hospital." I'm guessing they fall under the category of "twee pop" or "indie pop" or "music that could potentially get your ass kicked if listened to in certain areas/situations pop" or "pussy music pop."

I think this band is super underground/credible/"good" because they don't have a Wikipedia article on them, so feel free to "name drop" them and mention where you heard of them (the most credible blog around, Perpetual Adolescent Funk) to impress friends and family. Here's the video for their song "Big Sister in Hollywood." Hopefully you find the music and visual aesthetics to your liking.

"Baby on board"? I don't give a shit.

2009-10-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

Please stand by for a "rant":

I've always been confused when I see motor vehicles displaying this sticker:

I'm sure everyone has seen at least one while driving and probably never even gave it a second thought, which kind of defeats the purpose of even having the sticker in the first place. Obviously the people who utilize them want other motorists to be aware of the "precious cargo" in their cars, but why do they feel this is necessary? Are they simply bragging that they have indeed successfully "fucked" and produced a child and that said child is now safely strapped in its baby seat on the way to the park/doctor/Disney on Ice? Nobody likes a braggart and being able to shit out a kid is no major accomplishment, even the lowest forms of life can do that (see:unwed teenage mothers and Nicole Richie).

I think the real reason for the Baby on board sticker is to "warn" other vehicles to drive extra cautiously because there is a child in the car. But even that doesn't really "cut any ice" with me. I don't know about you, but I find it insulting these breeding assholes assume I'm a horrible driver when I'm not alerted to the presence of a child by a piece of laminated plastic stuck to a rear window. What nerve these smug sonsofbitches must have. What, do they just take it for granted I'm some psychopath who would attempt to run them off the road if it weren't for the sticker? Do they think I have some mental affliction where I wouldn't hesitate to do some outlandish/potentially dangerous shit while behind the wheel of my car if not for that one saving grace, a Baby on board sticker? Fuck them. Fuck them and their spawn, OK?

Newsflash dickheads, no one gives a fuck about you, your baby or your sticker. If it's my whim to do so I will endanger your safety on the open road, sticker or no sticker, that's life. That's how the cookie crumbles. DEAL WITH IT.

END OF RANT.

This is a post about the United States of America.

2009-10-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

With November right around the corner I have begun to get nostalgic for a year ago when we as Americans elected our nation's first Afro-American president. I remember how proud I felt of America for "being the change" it needed and breaking new ground by voting a minority into the highest office this country knows.

With a year almost come and gone, I've started thinking about our next presidential election and how we can go a step further into the stratosphere of social progression and enlightenment. We elected a black guy, now how can we top that in 2012? We gathered our team of the best political and cultural minds in the country to come up with ideas on how to change America for the best even more in the coming years, here are some of the things they came up with.

-Elect an African-American butch lesbian into office.

-Elect an openly gay Scientologist into office.

-Elect an "angry" black man into office.

-Elect a transsexual atheist into office.

-Elect a pot-loving abortionist into office.

-Elect the entire cast of "The View" into office as one presidential entity.

-Dig up the corpse of a slave, bring them back to life with science/divine intervention and make them president to show we're really sorry about racism/slavery a million years ago.

-Allow the cast of "Sex in The City" to take turns being president, rotating every week or so.

-Hold a raffle where average citizens are randomly chosen to hold office for one month as POTUS.

-Amend the constitution so foreign born people can qualify for the presidency, then elect an Islamic militant to show that there are "no hard feelings" towards the Middle East.

-Elect Jennifer Love Hewitt's titties into office.

-Build a Hooters inside of a Toys 'r Us.

-Hug a nun.

-Draw a picture of a Muppet nun.

-Fuck this girl.

-Fuck this guy.

-Eat at Joe's.

-"Obey".

-Obey your thirst and root for the Dallas Mavericks.

-Codpiece.

-Watch the intro to "Clarissa Explains It All".

-Have "fun."

-Catch them all.

-Locate "the beef."

-Get "jiggy wit it"

-Did you fuck this guy yet?

I think if we implement some of these suggestions into the next election, America will without a doubt be the most progressive, forward thinking place on Earth and will set an even better example for lesser countries, like Canada and Tennessee.

I'm goin' to Acapulco.

2009-10-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I saw an amazing movie based on the music and many lives of Bob Dylan. This particular scene from said movie, which I am going to share with you today, really struck a nerve with me, so much so that I can't find the words to articulate why it resonates so deeply, it's sort of like a "you just had to be there" vibe. "Enjoy" -Seymour.

Miley Cyrus picture post!!!!

2009-10-22T14:51:00.001-07:00

It's been too long since we've blogged about everyone's favorite little diva Miley Cyrus, so let's do this (it's a party in the USA!)

Miley with some haggard old slut (her future self???)

Miley with an African-American child.

She's just being Miley/silly!

Pretending to play the guitar. So precious.

Looking up to the heavens thanking Jesus for the opportunity to do what she loves for a living and for push-up bras and short-shorts.

Here's a video of some cutie trying to play "Party In the USA" by Miley Cyrus, who else?!

Bye Miley!

The Bible for dummies.

2009-10-22T09:44:00.001-07:00

Hello, greetings, what's up, welcome, sup? This is a new feature to the blog where I will select a story from The Bible and present it in a concise, elementary way so half-wits and children can understand it clearly. The Bible should not be exclusive to only people with a 1st grade education and theologists, it should be all inclusive, like a holy orgy.

Today's story is "The Serpent in The Garden" or "How Women Done Fucked Up".
The most cunning of the beasts which the Lord had made was the serpent, and the serpent said to the woman: "Hey girl, did God forbid you to eat the fruit of the trees of the garden?" The woman said: "We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden except the tree which is in the middle of the garden. Of this God said, 'You shall not eat of it nor touch it, lest your ass wants to die.'" "Bullshit, you will not die", said the serpent. "God knows that the day you eat of the fruit your eyes will be like gods, knowing good from evil and shit." The woman looked at the tree and saw that it was pleasant to the eyes and good for eating. So she said "fuck it" and picked some of the fruit and ate it. She gave some also to her husband who was with her, and he ate it too because the woman would not stop nagging him about its nutritional value and he wasn't trying to hear all that noise.

Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were buck ass naked. So the woman sewed some fig leaves together to cover themselves up. In the cool of the day the Lord strolled through the garden. The man and the woman heard the voice of the Lord and thought "Oh shit!" so they hid themselves from his presence, among the trees in the garden. The Lord God called to man saying: "Where you at? How come you aren't answering my texts?" "I have heard your voice in the garden," said man. "I was afraid because I was naked and aroused, so I hid... myself." "Who told you that you were naked?" asked the Lord God. "Wait, did you eat the fruit from that tree which I distinctly told your dumb ass not to eat from?" Man said "See, what had happened was the woman whom you gave me to be with gave me fruit of the tree and I ate it 'cuz the bitch ain't say at the time which tree she got it from." The Lord God said to the woman: "What is this you have done?" "The serpent tempted me," said the woman, "and I ate. Shit, I was hungry and that was some good-ass fruit."

The Lord God said to the serpent: "Because you have done this, you are cursed above all cattle and above every beast of the field. You ain't gonna have no legs, so yo' ass is crawling on your belly and eating dust from here on out." To the woman he said: "I will multiply your suffering. You shall bring forth your children in sorrow and for happiness you shall depend on your husband, and he shall rule over you." To the man he said: "Because you listened to the voice of your wife like a tool and ate the forbidden fruit, the ground shall be cursed beneath you. In sorrow you shall eat of it every day of your life. Thorns and thistles it will bring forth for you, and you shall eat the grass of the field. By the sweat of your brow you---" suddenly man threw his arms in the air and interrupted God and said: "Damn, all this for eating some apricots?! You know what, we're just gonna head on out of the garden and set up camp elsewhere if it's all the same to you. No disrespect, but you're a horrible landlord, bruh. You are overreacting like a motherfucker my dude, for real. So just knit us some buffalo hides or something to wear and we'll be out."

And that's the story of "original sin" and the origin of the universally accepted sexism that became common place in many societies throughout the world! :)

This is a post about child birth.

2009-10-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

Child birth is a disgusting and unnatural phenomenon, like shitting or voting republican. I know that a man has to put his penis into a woman's vagina and ejaculate his sea-men into her stomach to sustain the human race, but I find it odd scientist haven't developed a new, less icky way to populate the species. Every year a new high tech phone and video game console is unveiled, yet people are still going about procreation the same way they have for trillions of years (thousands if you subscribe to the beliefs in the popular best selling novel The Bible)I'm of the belief we need to get our priorities straight and brainstorm methods to produce kids that aren't as archaic and primitive as traditional child birth.

It's insulting to me as a human being that lesser creatures such as Starfish and worms can continue their species through magic and natural selection. I read in my 5th grade science book that these animals simply decide they want a baby and poof! they have a baby. No nine months of carrying another "thing" inside your stomach. No "morning sickness" or weird food cravings. At times I find myself questioning my faith, when God made us in His image, yet blessed starfish and lowly earth worms with the ability to get pregnant without actually "getting pregnant." I guess He really does work in ~~totally random~~ mysterious ways.

Obviously not everyone agrees with my views on child birth. Media creations Jon and Kate clearly enjoy(ed) "getting down 'old school'" when it came to making babies.

Since I get all my news from "Twitter", it seems like Jon & Kate separating is a big deal. Even CNN's Larry King and the dashing homosexual Anderson Cooper devoted time on their respective shows to "discuss" this relevant piece of news. It's probably such a hot topic because of all of those kids. I think people are grossed out/intrigued by the fact this couple willingly accepted eight children into their lives. Any rational person would think to eliminate at least three of them, but they decided to keep the whole bunch. If this were the "olden times", back before birth control and women's rights, I could understand shitting out eight kids. But in the 21st century it's just puzzling and perverse.

I predict that Jon will become fat and unpleasant to look at over time, much like Britteny Spear's baby's daddy K-Fed. He'll probably struggle to pay child support after his fifteen minutes of fame are up and resort to parodying himself in a commercial that will run during the Super Bowl. Then he might "kill himself" and become a trending topic on Twitter for a few days before vanishing into obscurity forever.

As for Kate and the children, I think the pressure of raising all those little bastards on her own will eventually catch up to her and she'll either drown them all in a bathtub and claim "Jesus" told her to do it, or auction them all off to famous motion picture entity Brangelina or the ancient Jewish gypsy minstrel Madonna for money to pay the mortgage or whatever it is adults with responsibilities do.

In summation, don't bother having kids. The world is going to end in three years anyway, remember?

I'm "unclean".

2009-10-20T08:31:00.001-07:00

My computer has recently come under siege by several viruses. There are distasteful icons on my desktop of a woman's exposed vulva orifice which I did not place there. Obviously my Spy ware blocker isn't functioning (at all). I'm running the risk of having some "third party hacker" steal my identity and all my passwords by blogging right now, but I had to let my readers know I will weather this storm and blog at 100% again soon. This is probably retaliation for my post about Internet scams by anonymous cowards and cyber terrorist extremists. I'm just grateful for the Patriot Act so president Obama can eventually find these assholes and water board the fuck out of them. I don't know when I'll be able to blog again, I have to call my "computer guy" to sort this shit out. Until then, God bless, Good luck and Jesus is King.

Top 10 Box Office "reviews".

2009-10-15T12:31:00.001-07:00

In this segment of the blog I will list the top ten movies in this week's box office and "review" them. Translation: I will "shit on" the top ten box office movies in a flippant, smug manner, possibly out of jealously for not being talented enough to write/direct/act in even the shittest of films. (Disclaimer: I have not actually seen any of the following movies.)

Couples Retreat- This movie reminds me of "Wedding Crashers", except there's no wedding. Vince Vaughn is one of my favorite actors/guys who play themselves in movies, despite the fact he's a republican. I wish him no ill will personally, but this film is pretty awful.

Zombieland- Remember that post I did about Jesse Eisenberg out Michael Cera-ing Michael Cera? You don't? You're new to this blog? What? Oh, you stumbled upon it by mistake searching for amateur pornography? It happens. Anyway, Zombieland seems like an Americanized version of "Shaun Of The Dead" sans Simon Pegg and the "British" humor I hear so much about. Instead we get pot-loving Woody Harrelson and the nebish Eisenberg. I would probably watch this movie if someone else was paying for my ticket and I was allowed to use both cup holders, one for my 64 ounce Dr. Pepper and the other to rest my arm.

Cloudy With a Chance Of Meatballs- This is a "3D animated" film based off of a children's book, but it's accessible for "adults too". I'd rather just watch the original "Shrek" for free and relive the "glory days" of Mike Myers before "The Love Guru" killed a little bit of everyone's spirit.

Paranormal Activity- I'm thinking this movie is kind of like the "Blair Witch Project" for the Twitter generation. A low budget horror film that gains momentum by word of mouth and effective PR gimmicks (accounts of people fainting/vomiting in the theaters because the movie is sooo scary.)While I didn't hate the Blair Witch Project, and actually found the ending to be a bit unnerving and sorta worth the four hours of improvisation, I wouldn't shell out the twenty dollars to see it in theaters, same goes for Paranormal Activity. (Movies cost twenty dollars now, right?)

Toy Story/Toy Story 2- I don't understand this 3D shit. Wasn't "Toy Story" already in "3D"? I think I might "hate" people who go see this movie and that worries me. :(

Surrogates- I think this is just "I am Robot/Minority Report" with Bruce Willis. Another republican who is "aight" in my book, sometimes.

The Invention of Lying- The guy who created the original Office is in this and like the original Office, I would probably have a hard time enjoying this film because I wouldn't be able to discern what the characters are saying/"get" the sophisticated humor that the Brits pride themselves on. I'm just not that smart. :(

Whip It- Juno and Drew Barrymore are in this. It's about an all girls roller derby league. Sounds kind of "sexy", but is it sexy enough to spend my "hard earned" money to see? No.

Capitalism: A Love Story- Let me sum this movie up for you in one sentence: "America is bad/has a lot of "issues", boo America!"

Fame- The Television show looked like it sucked a copious amount of ass, same can be said for the movie. The only reason it even made the top ten is because people are still very much in love with this whole "80s nostalgia" bullshit fad. PLUS, WHO COULD RESIST THE LEG WARMERS???!!!!

Yo! What are you listening to (again)?!

2009-10-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

Today I'm listening to "Teenage Fanclub", they're a band from Scotland I think that's been "around" for a while.

This is hands down my favorite song I've heard by them. Please enjoy the music video for "Sparky's Dream", I implore you.

This post is about Internet scams.

2009-10-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

Whilst checking my e-mail this morning I came across one with the subject line that read "Uncle Sam Wants To Give You Free Cash." I usually don't respond to junk mail like this, but I was in a particularly foul/snarky mood, so I decided to reply. The following is the actual e-mail accompanied by my response in bold:

This May Be a Long Write up, But read each word carefully if you want Free Money From Uncle Sam!

That's Right, Every Year Uncle Sam Gives Away Free Money To People Like You & Me- So, Go For It!

This US Government sponsored program has already given away Billions of Dollars to people just like you and me and average Hundreds of Million's each and every month to people like you and me

The trick to getting this money is having a reason and a good one for whatever amount of money that you are looking for!

This Sponsored Offer Is Guaranteed By Our Sponsor For You To Get Free Money From Uncle Sam as long as you complete the application properly, and this is why our Sponsors will help you do it so you can get your Money Guaranteed!

On top of one-time grants being offered right now, you may even be able to qualify to receive this money over and over again.

These grants are in place specifically for people who need assistance paying for bills, buying a home, starting their own business, going to school, or even helping raise their children.

So what are you waiting for? Are you going to go to Church or Temple and pray to the good lord and hope that you win this weeks Power Ball? Here's a hint: G-d cannot help you our sponsor can- so what do you have to lose? Give these guys a shot and you will see G-d's answer!

Use your common sense, you have nothing to lose only to gain by pressing below for Free!

Press here if You Want Guaranteed Free Money From Uncle Sam!

So Uncle Sam is just giving away free money huh? I'm offended you would think to insult my intelligence like this. And just because you don't type the "O" in God doesn't make it any less "blasphemous" or whatever your trepidation is for not spelling out the full word. See you in Hell. =]

Looking back I'm afraid I might have "gone too far" with my reply. Even though the person who sent this to me was obviously trying to rip me off and possibly steal my identity, I feel I should have taken the "higher road" and just deleted it like I usually do. Plus, it's highly unlikely any actual human being will even read what I wrote back. I don't know, at the time I felt I had acquired some kind of "moral victory" over spammers/Internet grifters by issuing a smart-ass verbal thrashing through text.

Or maybe I just did it because I suffer from low self-esteem and it makes me feel better to belittle anyone, even a mindless spam bot. Either way, I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm just an amateur blogger trying to stay afloat in the treacherous and volatile body of water we call "The Internet." Good night and good luck.

Blood-sucking is a lucrative racket.

2009-10-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

I was watching television and saw a preview for this feature film:

From what I can tell, John C. Reilly and Bob Dylan share the same hairstylist. What I also gathered was he plays a vampire who teaches some wholesome, nonthreatening looking teenage boy how to become a vampire too. I'm not one hundred percent on this, but I think this movie might be based off of a books series. According to the internet, a lot of the most popular movies started out as books before being turned into films, which is a more accessible form of entertainment for mass consumption (studies show that 98% of Americans are illiterate/suffer from ADD and therefore cannot "read an entire book all the way through".)

I remember when "Harry Potter" was the best book/movie combo ever and people made a big deal when that horrible first movie hit theaters back in the early 2000s. Now it seems like since the last book has been published and the little asshole who plays Harry in the movies wants to avoid typecasting by prancing around in The Nude on stage in some Broadway play or something, "Potter Mania" has declined considerably. Now everyone is stroking themselves/getting off on vampires, as indicated above by the trailer to "The Vampire's Assistant." I'm not a "movie buff" and have never been to film school, but if the trailer is any indication, this movie is going to "suck camel dicks." I get the impression that some Hollywood type scoured the Internet to try and drum up something to cash in on this wave of Vampire-centric escapism currently overtaking popular culture and he probably came across "The Vampire's Assistant" book or whatever and thought he could shit out a movie based on the novel and people would eat it up.

Like I said in a previous post, I am all about selling out and making a profit, but I still have a hard time getting behind these "fly by night" fads that seem to come around every few years. I don't know if it's the "herd mentality" that rubs me the wrong way or the fact that 99% of all these fads turn out to be complete shit, I just can't allow myself to hop on the bandwagon.

I avoided watching "Twilight" for the longest time, but I will admit, it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. But I chalk this up as either a complete fluke or Robert Pattinson's hypnotic androgynous beauty which had me questioning my sexuality for a few seconds (I sort of now understand why tweens, teen, gays, bi-sexuals, pan-sexuals and lonely middle-aged women swoon over him) , or a combination of the two.

Sometimes I wish I had a knack for predicting the next big thing that people will be shitting themselves over so I could capitalize on it financially before "the market" became a clusterfuck of cheap imitations and over saturation. I need to figure out "What's Next?"

-Werewolves?

-Sea monsters?

-Cults?

My only goal in life is to somehow get "rich" from using the internet and retire by the time I'm 27 without having to really "do anything". I think I might start hanging around more teenagers to get an idea of what they're "in to" and see if I can turn that into a profit. Here's to making my first million in 2010!

Damn, Gwen Stefani old ass look good as hail!

2009-10-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

Legs for days!

Sheeeeeeiiiiit.

This old ass bitch too mu'fukkin' fierce, GOTdamn!

I really love you underneath it all.

Shhh, shh...don't cry bb. I know turning 40 seems daunting, but you make it look so fuckable.

Make a nigga wanna crack some eggs on them abs and make an omelet & shit.

Good parenting is a major turn-on.

What the fuck Miley, how'd your skank ass get up in here?!

Here's some tool doing an acoustic cover of "Underneath it All" because the actual music video was unavailable:

That probably sucked, I didn't even watch it, LOL.

OH SHIT!

2009-10-09T13:49:00.001-07:00

I just realized I've blogged 13 times in October, that's bad ju-ju! So here's a picture of Christina Ricci to rectify that.

Man, that was a close one.

Let's grab a quick nap then knit some scarves.

2009-10-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think my local college radio station might be a little too eclectic. It's like they deliberately decided to play a Pixies song, followed by a salsa number, then some polka/punk hybrid tune and to close out the set, "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie in a concentrated effort to say "Hey, look how vast and varied our musical tastes are. Aren't we sooo open-minded?" Frankly I find it very annoying and grotesquely overt, much like this video:

I'm not a musicologist or even a professional ~~asshole~~ critic, but I doubt the fore bearers of the "twee pop" genre intended for their music to be associated with pretentious teens who fetishize naps and knitting. Again, what a blatantly contrived attempt to conform to some preconceived "rules" or norms of a particular subculture. Now, perhaps I'm being too harsh, after all, these are teenagers and everyone knows what a "confusing" time our teen years can be, trying to find our place in the world and hoping someone "gets us." But fuck! Knitting? NAPPING?! BOWL CUTS?! Look, I dig Tiger Trap, Talulah Gosh and Belle & Sebastian before they became a power-pop band as much as the next guy, but I never went around acting like a precious little tool just because I happened to enjoy a "pussified" genre of music.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not, nor have I ever been an "alpha male" type, (I just started getting hair underneath my armpits last Thursday)but give me a break!

Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and these kids are 100% sincere and really are that lame. I can't "see into their hearts/minds" like Jesus or Superman. So sure, they might be annoying assholes with fucked-up haircuts, but at least they have decent taste in music, and that's what really matters, right?

YO! What are you listening to?

2009-10-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

In today's post I'm going to share with you a band I am hella feeling right now. Said band is called "Army Navy" and they produce some pretty "rad" guitar driven pop music.

Because this isn't an "mp3 blog", I'm not really sure how long this band has been around or how old they are in "blog years" {via the Hipster Runoffs}, so please excuse me if they are lame/not relevant. I am ignorant to what is "cool" and "hip" due to my strict and emotionally abusive Catholic upbringing. Anyway, here's the video for their song "Saints",enjoy.

Shoot me a "holler down."

2009-10-08T08:31:00.001-07:00

Perpetual Adolescent Funk is coming up in the blogging world! Since we added a "page hits counter", we've all but doubled our page views (only half of those being us looking at our own blog) and now boast two, count them, TWO followers!

We'd like to "shout out" our newest follower, who is also in the sacred and revered fraternity of bloggers, check her blog out here: http://whycantwesleepforever.blogspot.com/ and treat yourself to some excerpts from the peerless and much lauded comic "Love and Rockets" by the Hernandez Bros (alternative societies answer to the Jonas Brothers).

Bloggers United Standing Together (BUST)!

I got nothing.

2009-10-07T17:57:00.001-07:00

I don't know what to blog about today. I'm not really feeling up to the task anyhow. I'm meeting with our PR gurus later on this week to devise a plan on how to get this blog off the ground and into the public consciousness. We're gonna brainstorm cool gimmicks and stuff like that to get people's attention. Hopefully it will be productive.

Here's a kind of sexy picture of Drew Barrymore in case anyone wants to masturbate right now or whatever:

I hope it's not too small (LOL).

Vintage Girl-on-Girl Action!

2009-10-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

From the sexually charged 1999 teen drama "Cruel Intentions"!

Wow, that was totally late 90's hot.

Super Mega NBA Post for your bitch ass!

2009-10-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

With summer winding down and fall approaching, many basketball fans are gearing up for the start of the 2009-2010 NBA season. I don't think I've ever anticipated an NBA season like I am this upcoming one, there are so many questions left to be answered.

-Will the Boston Celtics reclaim their rightful place as world champions after a valiant, yet doomed effort in the playoffs last year? Will K.G. remain relatively injury free? Will Rajon Rondo unveil an improved jump shot and officially become one of the best point guards in the league? Will Paul Peirce ever grow a decent mustache/goatee combo? How cool will Rasheed Wallace look in Celtic green?

-And what about LeBron James? Will the addition of an aging Shaq be the final piece to the puzzle for Cleveland? Is this the year David Stern finally gets his wish and we see a Cavs/Lakers finals? How long before someone calls LeBron out for wearing his headband so high on his forehead to conceal his receding hairline? (I hope I don't start going bald when I'm 24)

-Is Ron Artest just a "quirky" guy or is there something wrong with him, like mentally? Is Ron Artest the Dennis Rodman to Kobe Bryant's Michael Jordan?

-Will M.J. surprise everyone and come out of retirement for a third time and lead the league in scoring at the age of 46?

Speaking of surprises, I was pleasantly surprised when I found out the 76ers have reverted back to their classic jerseys/logo.

I wish more teams would follow suit (LOL) and do the same. I remember back during the '96-'97 season when half the league "upgraded" their uniforms with some shitty new "edgy" designs.

Remember these atrocities? (of course you don't, most you probably don't even like basketball)

I'd like to see the Cavaliers come back to these. I bet LeBron would look hella sick in orange.

Remember when the people in charge of the Pistons' fashion division lost their fucking minds and shat these turds out?

I am eternally grateful they switched to these:

A nice little "modern twist" to the classic design. I wish other teams would take note of what Detroit did here instead of employing an inexplicable and frustrating sense of aesthetics, I mean, what the fuck is THIS shit???

Too bad I wasn't a basketball fan back when Denver rocked these:
Classic.

Am I the only one who misses the days when the Lakers and the Kings were considered rivals? I was so happy to jump on the Kings bandwagon back then. I've always hated Southern California, so it just seemed natural to me. I'm only recently getting over game six of the 2002 western conference finals.

I've been to L.A. once a little over a decade ago, but I just really loathe it. When I think of L.A. I think of smog, gang violence and the cast of The Hills. I heard they had nice beaches out there, but the only downside is an occasional used syringe will wash up on shore and give someone AIDS when they accidentally step on it.

I really hate to draw a line of division between Nor Cal and So Cal, but I just feel the former is obviously superior. Steinbeck wrote about Northern California in a lot of his novels. Who wrote/writes about Southern California? Vibe magazine? Vogue? Newsweek?

I think in nutshell what I'm trying to say is, fuck southern California. North is on the top of a compass for a reason, you know what I mean?

Step your religion game up, homie.

2009-10-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be honest with you guys, I'm pretty scared. I'm scared about the future and my own mortality. As I've documented in a past post, 2009 has been a pretty shitty year as far as staying alive is concerned. It seems like every time I boot up my computer and sign into Twitter, I find out about another dead celebrity. Or every time I turn on FOX News I see a ~~mob~~ group of ~~belligerent~~ concerned white people protesting something stupid Barack Obama has done (according to aging lesbian Janeane Garofalo, these people are called "redneck teabaggers.") Or when I switch over to The History Channel I see a bunch of shows about "The end of the world" & "disaster programs".

I read somewhere that the world is definitely going to end in the year 2012, Hollywood even made a movie about it and cast John Cusack, so it must be true.

I'm at a crossroads. If we as a species only have roughly two in a half more years to kick it, I don't think I want to squander it by continuing to lead a meaningless, empty existence. I want to believe in something bigger than myself. I want to believe in "God." When an asteroid crashes into the Earth killing everyone instantaneously and Jesus comes back to judge our smoldering souls, I want Him to say to me, "Hey. Guess what? We have a room in Heaven with your name on it, guy." I'm ready to get saved.

Now comes the hard part. What's the best/right way to "believe in God?" There are literally hella different denominations of the Christian faith, so which one is the legit one? The only thing I know for sure is that Islam is obviously not the way to go. (They believe in a brown God/fake God who hates baseball and freedom) I went on Wikipedia and did some extensive research on Christianity to try and help me make an informed and correct decision on my quest for eternal salvation and complete indoctrination.

Apparently "Judaism" was like the "first religion ever" and a sort of precursor to Christianity as we know it today. I guess back in the day God was really tight with The Jews and made them His "Chosen People" (kind of like His "clique" or "entourage" in modern terms.) I was just about ready to say Fuck it and convert to Judaism, but then I found out The Jews murdered Jesus, and, on top of that, don't really believe he was magic and shit. I don't know about you, but it seems highly unlikely I'd get into Heaven as a Jew if Jesus is the one manning the entrance, know what I mean?

Next I checked out Catholicism. It seemed pretty intense. You have to repent for every bad thing you've ever done in your life ever, no matter how minor and you're not allowed to masturbate and can only have sex when you're married (strictly for reproductive purposes, anything else is considered sinful and gross.) Being Catholic sounded like a lot of hard work and I'm pretty lazy. Plus, I was afraid I'd turn into a little boy fucker and I'd have to wear one of those "gay ass" robe/dress deals.

Finally I got bored and was just like, shit man, can't I just say I'm a plain old "Christian" without having to identify with any specific branch or subgroup? I tried "praying" to God asking Him to tell me what I should do, but I haven't heard back yet. I'm afraid by the time I actually figure this mess out, it will be too late and I would have wasted what little time I have left weighting the pros and cons of something that may or may not even be all that important. I mean, what if Scientology was invented trillions of years ago instead of Christianity or Islam? The majority of people would be Scientologist and no one would bat an eye or try and contain themselves from bursting out into uncontrollable laughter because Scientology would be viewed as a universally accepted religion, unlike the bizarrely curious joke it is today. But who's to say "they're right" and the "other side is wrong"?

We're all just insignificant specks in this vast, unwieldy universe and the truth of the matter is, we don't matter. We're expendable and whether or not the world ends in 2012 because of a biblical prophecy or "global warming", it's not going to change the fact that in the end, we're all eventually going to get cancer and die anyway, only to rot in the ground and maybe come back as Marvel zombies.

Remember the '90s?

2009-10-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

They're coming back!

"Fresh"!

House Party is an Urban (black) classic!

Nice preppy-goth combo?

Ground-breaking video game technology!

I still want to believe.

This book made depression popular!

Back when the Middle East was a cool, English-speaking place to be!

Meeeemories.

Sexy irrelevant reality show bitches!

2009-10-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

Remember Katie (Doyle) from "Real World/Road Rules Challenge"? Sweet ass! Sexy bruises!

But seriously, who's trying to fuck tonight?

2009-10-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Saturday night. Anyone planning on having sexual intercourse tonight? Really? Cool, good luck with that. Yeah, I might try and get laid tonight too. The last time I had sex was a year ago with a promiscuous 17-year-old girl. I think I used a condom, I'm not sure, I was drunk. I think she gave me chlamydia. Anyway, I'm ready to get back out there and find something to stick my dick into.

Since we're talking so candidly about sex, do you remember your "first time"? I remember mine. It was senior year of high school and me and my friends Chris Klien, Thomas Ian Nicholas and Eddie Kaye Thomas made a pact to lose our virginity before prom. I remember thinking it was kind of odd how Chris was still a virgin because he was a pretty handsome guy (no homosexual) but I guess looks aren't everything. Man, that was such a fun and awkward time in my life. I was so sex-crazed back then that I got caught fucking a pie by my Jewish father. True story, no foolin'. Heh. Long story short, I eventually "got it on" with this weird chick named Alyson. The funny thing is, she kind of "used" me as a one night stand which was pretty awesome. Believe it or not we got married a few years later for some reason. It didn't last though. She remarried some asshole looking guy and let him put a baby in her. -Sigh-

Well, I guess I should probably go buy some condoms and petroleum jelly. Remember, if you plan on getting it in tonight fellas, be safe and wrap it up. I know science has found a cure for AIDS, but you can still wind up getting some girl whose last name you don't know pregnant.

Old ass bitches!

2009-10-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

Perpetual Adolescent Funk is switching it up a bit today and instead of posting jail bait, we're posting old ass bitches (women 30 and up)!

What was Brad thinking when he left your sexy old ass?!

Your lisp is sooo fucking erotic, FUCK!

We knew after we caught a glimpse of your vagina in "Training Day" it was love at first sight.

One word: motorboatthefuckoutofthatshit!

It may be "wrong" to fantasize about making sweet love to Lisa Simpson, but we don't see nothin' wrong with lusting after the woman who voices her! We love old squinty faced bitches!

*Boiiiiing*

In defense of Roman Polanski.

2009-10-01T18:55:00.000-07:00

You may have heard about the recent arrest of well-respected movie director Roman Polanski. Back during the 70s he pleaded guilty to drugging and raping a 13-year-old girl, soon afterward he "fled" the United States, never to return. In the days following his arrest, a lot of people, some famous, have voiced their support for Polanski and we'd like to go on record and throw our hat into that ring too.

First, let's examine some indisputable facts: When this "rape" took place, it was during the 1970s, a very liberal, sexually open era where people "experimented" and engaged in activities that in today's staunch, morally black and white society may appear "drastically inappropriate and "criminal"" But back in the '70s it wasn't uncommon for a 44-year-old man to seduce a 13-year-old girl with wine and barbiturates, then after ignoring her pleas for him to stop, proceed to sodomize her (among other things.)Happened all the time!

Second, it's been falsely believed that Polanski "ran away to Europe" after pleading guilty to "engaging in unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor". Wrong. See, what had happened was, Polanski remembered some important paperwork in London that he desperately needed, so he boarded a plane and just forgot to come back. That's all. He just forgot he was due back in the United States for his sentencing. A common human folly. We've all forgotten things before. Are we really going to crucify a man for being human? Come on.

Now, some people in the anti Polanski camp, these "moral crusaders", might point out the discrepancies in our support of him when celebrities such as the late Michael Jackson and R. Kelly were vilified when they too were accused of misconduct with a minor and might question why Polanski gets a pass, after "admitting" to "wrong-doing" and they don't. That's easy. There's actual video evidence of R. Kelly urinating on teenage girls, we don't recall a Roman Polanski sex tape, do you? Didn't think so. And as far as Michal Jackson was concerned, well, he looked weird and is it too much of an assumption and sweeping generalization to say that most weird-looking people usually do "bad shit" with kids? Plus, both those guys are/were black, don't forget that important fact.

We will be taking to the streets with signs proclaiming "Free Roman Polanski!" and we're in talks with Woody Allen to put together a benefit concert in Polanski's honor, more on this soon hopefully. Free Roman Polanski!

It's funny because...

2009-10-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

Hey. This is a brand new feature on the blog where we post something humorous (a comic strip, a scene from a movie, a Bible verse, etc.) and then explain why it's funny. Ready? Great!

It's funny because our economy is in the shitter.

The New American Dream?

2009-09-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

Over the past few years something has occurred that's blurred the lines between "mainstream" and "independent". From movies to fashion to music, it seems the two worlds have collided and left no discernible way to determine where one ends and the other begins. In 2009 it almost feels like popular culture has caved into itself and from this point forward, will just continue to metaphorically "devour itself" until there's nothing left. A prime example of this is the "new breed of indie movie" (Juno, Little Miss Sunshine, the movie with Jim from The Office) which are so utterly aware of their "indie" status and have somehow successfully courted mainstream audiences (stupid people) and alternative audiences (stupid people who like to pretend otherwise) and brought the two camps together. By positioning themselves firmly in the middle (LOL, sounds dirty) and pandering to both sides, these films have essentially "gotten their cake" and were able to "eat it too".

That brings me to my next point, "selling out". When it was once a badge of honor for independent bands and artists to openly reject any kind of endorsement from the mainstream, now it's become a "right of passage" of sorts. An indie band knows its "made it" when it's asked to reconfigure the lyrics to one of its songs to tout the wares of "Outback Steakhouse" or allow their songs to be utilized in commercials for luxury vehicles, personalized computers or even towel racks (Target, Kohl's, etc.)

Indie music has finally cast aside its "holier than thou" attitude and aversion to making a profit/living off of their craft and joined the parade of "sellouts" that used to only consist of rappers and indistinguishable pop-punk or punk-pop bands.

Before I would be appalled by this lack of "artistic integrity" and sullying the purity of "the music" by attaching a price to it. But now, especially in these economically troubling times, I have come to accept, nay, admire sellouts. Selling out is, and has always been, The American Dream. A nice house, white picket fence, 2.5 children, so on and so on. However now, in the Internet Age, anyone can achieve a newer, modernized version of the American Dream. With the advent of Youtube in 2005, all walks of people can become (Internet) famous. All you need is a decent "gimmick". For examples:

This kid's "shtick" is that he's "autistic" and has a fucked-up grill, meaning his lack of social grace and unappealing looks make him an easy target for anonymous assholes online to insult, which equals page hits which in turns equals a video with semi-famous rappers.

This guy's overweight and doesn't believe in God. He's always very animated and brash, constantly letting loose with "politically incorrect" opinions and a "devil may care attitude."

Again, he stirs up "controversy" because people love to argue and get offended, especially online. Result? Crazy page hits, ad rev and apparently a book deal.

Most importantly (for me anyway) is blogs. Blogging can make you internet famous as well and if you're lucky, maybe even rich. Like Youtube personalities, a blog that wants to "hit a nerve" with people needs a good gimmick. One of my favorites blogs, and the one that inspired this post is the popular Hipsterrunoff.com. HRO is a fertile breeding ground for gimmicks. From the blogger Carles' "text speak" writing style, to his saturation of the word "bro" and pretending to get hacked and rise from the dead. All these gimmicks have made Hipsterunoff, like its tag line proclaims, "a blog worth blogging about." Now it even has its own clothing line. (Did u get ur shirt yet?)

With all that said, I have decided that I, too, need to get on this bandwagon of self-branding/promotion and maybe make some money in the process. My blog needs a decent gimmick or two to get people's attention and generate page views. Here are a few ideas I'll throw out.

-I could take my "jail bait" posts up a notch and paste the heads of famous underage teen starlets onto the bodies of porn stars in sexually explicit poses---but I'm afraid this might cross some kind of "line of ethics"& get me in trouble with the authorities or blogger.com

-I could turn my blog strictly into a "celebrity gossip" blog, ala Perez Hilton and try to "out" closeted homosexual celebrities.

-I could use my blog to perpetrate false celebrity death rumors/start a Celebrity Death Pool and take bets on who readers think will expire next.

-I could just post hardcore pornography and hope enough people come to my page to masturbate and tell their friends about all the awesome amputee & bestiality flicks on Perpetual Adolescent Funk.

I'm not sure if any of these ideas would hold up in the long run, or if they'd just get played out very quickly or never really take off in the first place. I'm also unsure if I want to cross any kind of ethical lines, like I said before, and all of these ideas seem to require my doing so. Maybe selling out isn't all that important. Maybe I can just blog without worrying about page hits and becoming "bigger than HRO." Maybe there's more to life than being famous for doing something trivial on the internet. I suppose time will only tell.

More jail bait!

2009-09-28T02:22:00.000-07:00

The people have spoken and they've demanded we post more jail bait...like we needed an excuse!!

Fierce!

She doesn't look 15 to me!

She's just being Miley!

A body like a linebacker with the face of a church mouse!

Gotta love those redheads!

Oh she's just looking for trouble!

Today's post was brought to you by: Roman Polanski.

Living in post-racial America.

2009-09-27T03:30:00.000-07:00

It's almost been a year since the November elections when America chose Barack Obama as the first ever black president of the United States, thus putting a proverbial bullet into the head of racism and killing it forever. Right? I mean, we have a black guy running shit now, that means America has finally gotten past its racial hangups and sullied past. We, as Americans, can now honestly say we longer see color.

Let's be honest, the term "post-racial America" has been adopted by conservatives who want to spin Obama's being elected into an irreproachable excuse to remain as racist and bigoted as they've always been, if not more so.

I'm no "conspiracy nut" or anything, but I sometimes get the feeling Obama was only elected into office as a kind of courtesy service for blacks and all other minorities, and a way for "guilty" white liberals to cover their asses. It's kind of like the equivalent of having a token black/brown/yellow friend to prove you're not racist...or owning the movie "Crash" in your DVD collection.

After Obama's four years of being the HNIC (Head Nigga in Charge) are up it will be back to business again. Some old white man will take his rightful place as POTUS and America can forever pat itself on the back and say "See, we're not so bad, we let a black guy try and lead for four whole years! That was fun, but now let's get serious again." Of course I could be totally off base here, and I hope I am. I would love to believe America is legitimately "changing" for the better, but the pessimist in me just won't allow it.

Miley cream action!

2009-09-26T20:36:00.001-07:00

THE TOP (or bottom) 16 CLOSETED GAY CARTOON/COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME!

2009-09-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

Perpetual Adolescent Funk is super liberal. We love smoking weed, we love getting abortions but most of all we love The Gays! In honor of "Gay Closeted Celebrities Month", we bring you: THE TOP 16 CLOSETED GAY CARTOON/COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME!

Scooby Doo

Betty Rubble

Doctor Doom

Dagwood

Popeye

The entire cast of "Rugrats"

J. Jonah Jameson

Linus

Race Bannon

Aunt May

Mr. Spacely

Dr. Octopus

The Thundercats. All of them. Except for Snarf. He's always been openly gay.

Gumby

Lois Lane

The Katzenjammer Kids

They're here, they're (secretly) queer, get used to it!

Katy Perry is all "wet"!

2009-09-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

Katy Perry's latest single "Waking Up in Vegas" is the hottest song on the radio right now! She's kissed a girl, dated a black man and now she's tearing up Sin City!

Katy Perry is the Cyndi Lauper of the Twitter Generation!

(Side note: We would still fuck Cyndi Lauper even though she's coming up on 60. Would you???)

Final Destination IRL.

2009-09-25T23:50:00.000-07:00

Unless you live under a rock or don't have a "Twitter" account, you're very much aware of the rash of celebrity deaths this year. While me, myself, personally, myself, I, don't subscribe to any kind of religious beliefs, I am quite superstitious and I'm of the opinion "Death" has it out for any and all celebrities. He (Death) made it clear that fateful week in June when he claimed not only Michael Jackson, but also Billy Mays, that he was not discriminating when it came to who he chose to drag back to Hell with him. No one is safe. This "conspiracy" reaches as high as the King of Pop and as low as Jessica Simpson's dog. That's why if I were some C or D list celebrity, such as Paris Hilton, Ray-J, those old bitches on The View, Flava Flav, I would be extra careful. I would watch what I ate, what I drank, who I associated with and always, ALWAYS wear my seat belt.

This brings me to the main point of this post. Today Conan O'Brien was injured while filming a segment for his show. Miraculously, he did not die. However, I firmly believe this is only because he, being the funniest man on late night television, somehow outwitted Death and narrowly escaped becoming his next victim. If you've seen any of the eighteen Final Destination movies you already know that it's only a matter of time before Death comes back for Conan.

It could be while he's shaving in the morning and through some seemingly "random" tragic accident end up slitting his own throat. Or maybe he'll get on a roller coaster that just arbitrarily "decides" to malfunction, sending the red-headed funnyman to a grisly, cinematic demise.

I also feel that because he was outfoxed by Conan, Death will be extra diligent and vengeful and we'll see a whole slew of celebrities kneeling over in the weeks to come as a sort of "pay back" for being made to look like a jackass.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those sick fucks who starts "Celebrity Death" pools at work and gets some kind of perverse (and financial) satisfaction from seeing our most beloved entertainers expire. I want Conan to live forever. I want all celebrities except for those with reality shows on VH1 to outlive all us normal people. I just feel that this is not a good year to be famous. I feel once Death has marked you, all you can do is sit and wait for "it" to happen. Conan got lucky this time, but will he be so lucky next time? We can only hope. Death is, as they say, a (sunuva) bitch.

The dumbest Youtube video ever.

2009-09-25T02:54:00.000-07:00

Wow, that was horrible. Uh, yeah, the reason Billie Joe looks so "sad" in the majority of those photos is becuase he's wearing eyeliner and he's OLD! Eyeliner on tired, wrinkled eyes would make anyone look crestfallen! JESUS CHRIST! The person who uploaded this video is a 17-year-old German girl. Normally we would write this off as a "stupid kids will be stupid kids" and "blame it on the "language" barrier" thing, but there is no excuse for this video's utter lack of irony and sheer stupidity! 17 is too old to be carrying on this way, and the German's are not stupid people, so that's not cutting any ice either. Oh, and the real kicker? The final nail in the coffin? Korn covering "Creep" by Radiohead?! The fact that it's Radiohead being covered isn't the problem, it's the fact that KORN has the audacity to cover anyone! It doesn't matter if they're trying their hand at Ricky Martin or The Beatles, you're fucking KORN for God's sake!

Selena Gomez mega picture post extravaganza!

2009-09-25T01:20:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as "too adorable"?

HAWTT GIRL ON GIRL ACTION!

2009-09-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

We think that is Drew Barrymore and Juno locking lips. It's hot because Drew is in her mid-30s and Juno is only 16. We think this picture pretty much sums up what our blog is all about, for better or worse.

Miley side-boob action!

2009-09-24T02:13:00.000-07:00

FUCK. YEAH.

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO PREMIER!

2009-09-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

Our connection in the Miley Cyrus camp just faxed us the official video for her hit single "Party in The USA"! Remember, you saw it here first, Perpetual Adolescent Funk was the FIRST major media outlet to show this video!

That was awesome! Sexy legs, Miley!! Hope you guys enjoyed that EXCLUSIVE WORLD PREMIER as much as we did.

Adorable.

Is Jesse Eisenberg the "new" Michael Cera?

2009-09-23T00:31:00.000-07:00

We were watching a pleasant little film called "Adventureland" the other day and got halfway through it before realizing the main character was in fact NOT being played by (former)teen heartthrob Michael Cera, but by his doppelganger Jesse Eisenberg. We're sure we're not alone in making this mistake, it's an easy one to make. After all, both actors have made a name for themselves playing lovable, awkward "nice guys" with an affinity for hoodies and mellow acoustic tunes. But it seems to us that Jesse may very well surpass Cera as the king of endearing hapless "dorks". It's no secret since "Superbad" hit theaters two years ago a slow yet steady Mikey Cera backlash has been brewing on message boards and blogs all over the Internet. People finally seem to be sick of this "ferret faced little asshole" and are more than willing to crown Eisenberg his worthy successor. Because we are professional bloggers, we have put together a few solid facts to argue the case for Mr. Eisenberg usurping Michael Cera's spotlight/fan base.

-He's appeared in not one but TWO 1980's period pieces. Mike Cera? None.

- He's never co-starred along side Jack Black.

-He's not Canadian.

-His face is slightly less asshole-ish.

-He probably flosses daily.

-He probably got better grades in school.

-He looks like he'd be cooler to hang out with.

-We bet he has similar interests as us and we'd really hit it off.

-He probably wouldn't hesitate to hook us up with one of his female friends who is more "cute" than she is "hot" but is a firecracker in the sack and open to "anything".

-Jesse is a less generic/typical name than Michael.

Don't you just love when a once universally loved actor becomes "shat upon" for no other reason than being universally loved in the first place? Remember when people actually liked Tom Cruise and he wasn't just a punchline/crazy guy whose wacky religion was scoffed at because Christianity and Islam were here first to establish their equally crazy religions, therefore making them "legit"? Anywho, here's the trailer to "Zombieland."

Miley tongue action!

2009-09-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a Brontosaurus!

2009-09-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

Anyone who honestly believes we "evolved" from monkeys is obviously "touched in the head." Just because so-called scientist present utterly plausible theories and concrete evidence supporting this phenomenon doesn't make it true. At the end of the day we Christians have the upper hand. We have "faith" and the crutch of "You can't question God's divine plan/mode of operation because He's God" to fall back on. How can you argue with that logic? Eat an orangutan's dick you secular devils!

Jail Bait!

2009-09-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

First, let's get one thing straight, guys love teenage girls, all guys. Teenage guys love 'em, college guys love 'em, creepy middle aged guys love 'em and decrepit old guys hooked up to life support love 'em. Hell, even gay guys love 'em (for different reasons, obviously! Right?! Right.) Now "society" may say it's "wrong" to lust after these young women because they're considered "minors", but if Jerry Lee Lewis, Robert Kelly, Marvin Gaye and Humbert Humbert have taught us anything it's this: Follow your heart. It worked out for them! With that said, Perpetual Adolescent Funk presents Jail Bait '09, four of the most desirable underage celebrities we would risk doing time for because we just can't help ourselves!

Miley Cyrus

Between this picture and the "pole dance" she preformed at the Children's Choice Awards or whatever, all we have to say is: she's totally "asking for it"!

Selena Gomez

Whereas Miley is the embodiment of your classic "slutty" girl next door, Selena exudes class and sophistication, and plus, she just looks soooo cute in her bathing suit! OMG she's adorable!

Dakota Fanning

Dakota is truly a remarkable young woman. She went from looking like a veiny, thin skinned alien child into certified all American teenage jail bait. She held her own recently with Hollywood heavy hitters Alica Keyes, Queen Latifah and Jennifer Hudson in "Some Black Women and a Little White Girl." We're pretty sure the movie won multiple awards because it's about racism and stuff. Take it from us when we say you'll be seeing more great things from Miss Fanning in the near future.

Icarly from "Icarly"

We love ethnically ambiguous teens!

HOT DAMN!

Remember when Christina Ricci was a teenage sex symbol?

2009-09-22T02:54:00.000-07:00

My God, she was really something, wasn't she? Too bad she had to go get all emaciated and creepy looking on us. Now she kind of resembles a person in those photographs of Holocaust victims. Was that in bad taste? Or just the right amount of "edgy humour" to get our blog noticed? Anyway, here's some more vintage Christina Ricci:

Yeah, that was hot.

We salute you.

2009-09-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

Perpetual Adolescent Funk would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge some of our heroes. Men and women, (mostly men) who never caved into societies' demands and "grew up" or pretended to be normal/well adjusted adults. Most of these people carved out lucrative niches for themselves acting like complete jackasses or just being endearing malcontents and physically unappealing geeks. We salute you:

blink-182

Even though they released a "serious" album back in 2004, we will always remember this trio of misfits for their love of dog fucking jokes and irritating nasal inflections. They inspired an entire generation of kooky white boys to strip off their Hurley t-shirts and Dickies and take to the streets of their towns, joyously blinding every passerby with their glowing lily white asses.

Seymour (from the cult classic Ghost World)

Seymour gave a glimmer of hope to losers everywhere when he nailed Enid (Thora Birch before she fell off the face of the Earth) without sacrificing his personal convictions. He never made any apologies for who he was or tried to rationalize his pathetic shit smear of an existence. He just "did him" as the rappers like to say and guess what? For one night Enid "did him"too before pretty much abandoning him forever. If only we all could be so lucky.

The Jackass dudes

These fucking knuckleheads made it profitable to get hit in the nuts with a sledgehammer or try and pass a hot wheels car through your colon. They let talentless stoners everywhere know that as long as you were willing to inflict physical harm onto yourself or your friend, there is someone out there who will pay money, or at the very least, film you doing so.

Susan Boyle

It's probably safe to assume this unfortunate looking woman never even saw a real life human man penis up close before she "blew up" and became an unlikely singing sensation. Since then it's been reported she's hooked up with Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell and that there is an alleged sex tape circulating the nether regions of the Internet depicting the three of them going at it like there's no tomorrow. Susan is almost like a catch-22, if she was just another "pretty face" who could sing, no one would care. But because she's difficult to look at and because she lead a lonely, sexless existence before being "discovered", she has captured the hearts and ears of millions, and goddamn it! She's done us proud!

The Apatow Crew

This hilarious pack of Jews have been busting guts since 2005 with the much lauded "The 40-Year-Old Virgin", since then they have consistently entertained America by releasing a film every other week about overgrown men-children and the inexplicably attractive women who fall for them.

Tom Green

Even though he's a washed up has been now, for one brief moment in time Tom Green was a force to be reckoned with. During the late 90s/early 2000s, Americans found out what Canadians already knew, that his guy would do anything for attention. In 2001 Tom took his shtick even further with "Freddy Got Fingered", a tour de force of bizarre comedic mayhem and bestiality. After watching this film we were convinced Mr. Green was a misunderstood genius, like Vincent van Gogh or Wilmer Valderrama.

Mission Statement .

2009-09-20T21:48:00.001-07:00

First and foremost, we here at Perpetual Adolescent Funk are here for you, the reader. We want to make your blog experience the best one possible, that is why we have dedicated ourselves to learning and mastering the art of "HTML" and "Adobe Photoshop 6" (we are too lazy to download the latest version.) We will provide you not only with insightful and poignant posts, but also with visually pleasing images and large bold letters engulfed in flames. Because we believe in a "Do it yourself" approach and do not have the necessary funds to enroll in a community college, things in the beginning may seem amateurish and overall shitty. We implore you to grit it out with us. Stumble along with us in our infancy as we slowly but surely climb the proverbial ladder into the upper echelons of blogs until we are seated comfortably on top and crowned "The King of The Blogs." How sweet it will be for you, dear reader, when you can say to your Johnny-come-lately friends, "I knew about Perpetual Adolescent Funk BEFORE it got popular and become a parody of itself!"

First Post!

2009-09-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the inaugural post for the blog "Perpetual Adolescent Funk." This is a blog about "freaks, geeks, fuck-ups and retards." People who were gawky, awkward teens with offensive acne in high school who grew up to be gawky, awkward adults with slightly less offensive acne scars. This is a blog about people who never really "got over" high school and still feel shame and deep remorse for never getting to "second base" until their mid to late 20s. This is a blog about wondering "What if?" and "If only". This is a blog for those who "can't move on" and live out the remainder of their life dwelling unhealthily in the past. This is a blog about nostalgia and regret. This is a blog about your life. Cheers!