But seriously, who's trying to fuck tonight?

Well, it's Saturday night. Anyone planning on having sexual intercourse tonight? Really? Cool, good luck with that. Yeah, I might try and get laid tonight too. The last time I had sex was a year ago with a promiscuous 17-year-old girl. I think I used a condom, I'm not sure, I was drunk. I think she gave me chlamydia. Anyway, I'm ready to get back out there and find something to stick my dick into.


Since we're talking so candidly about sex, do you remember your "first time"? I remember mine. It was senior year of high school and me and my friends Chris Klien, Thomas Ian Nicholas and Eddie Kaye Thomas made a pact to lose our virginity before prom. I remember thinking it was kind of odd how Chris was still a virgin because he was a pretty handsome guy (no homosexual) but I guess looks aren't everything. Man, that was such a fun and awkward time in my life. I was so sex-crazed back then that I got caught fucking a pie by my Jewish father. True story, no foolin'. Heh. Long story short, I eventually "got it on" with this weird chick named Alyson. The funny thing is, she kind of "used" me as a one night stand which was pretty awesome. Believe it or not we got married a few years later for some reason. It didn't last though. She remarried some asshole looking guy and let him put a baby in her. -Sigh-


Well, I guess I should probably go buy some condoms and petroleum jelly. Remember, if you plan on getting it in tonight fellas, be safe and wrap it up. I know science has found a cure for AIDS, but you can still wind up getting some girl whose last name you don't know pregnant.