On the subject of high school.

Lately I've been having nightly dreams about being in high school again. I don't know what these dreams mean, I misplaced my dream interpretation device a while ago, but I was compelled to write this free-form poem on the subject.

Eating lunch in the bleachers
It was hella senior year
Ditching Algebra 2 and going to Rite Aide to buy chocolate eggs
It was hella senior year
Experimenting with "indie culture" for the first time
It was hella senior year
Flunking "gimme" classes, like Art and P.E.
It was hella senior year
Playing 'Unreal Tournament' in computer science class
It was hella senior year
Stalking girls at a safe distance to stare at their jean-clad asses
It was hella senior year
Refusing to wear school colors on Spirit Day
It was hella senior year
Maintaining a 1.5 GPA
It was hella senior year
Cute Asian girl who always wore a navy windbreaker, was she flirting with me?
It was hella senior year
Going to summer school for the sixth straight year
It was hella, senior year.

I think everyone should go watch Never Been Kissed tonight in honor of high school & feeling like you've peaked at 17.


"It was hella senior year."

But seriously, who's trying to fuck tonight?

Well, it's Saturday night. Anyone planning on having sexual intercourse tonight? Really? Cool, good luck with that. Yeah, I might try and get laid tonight too. The last time I had sex was a year ago with a promiscuous 17-year-old girl. I think I used a condom, I'm not sure, I was drunk. I think she gave me chlamydia. Anyway, I'm ready to get back out there and find something to stick my dick into.


Since we're talking so candidly about sex, do you remember your "first time"? I remember mine. It was senior year of high school and me and my friends Chris Klien, Thomas Ian Nicholas and Eddie Kaye Thomas made a pact to lose our virginity before prom. I remember thinking it was kind of odd how Chris was still a virgin because he was a pretty handsome guy (no homosexual) but I guess looks aren't everything. Man, that was such a fun and awkward time in my life. I was so sex-crazed back then that I got caught fucking a pie by my Jewish father. True story, no foolin'. Heh. Long story short, I eventually "got it on" with this weird chick named Alyson. The funny thing is, she kind of "used" me as a one night stand which was pretty awesome. Believe it or not we got married a few years later for some reason. It didn't last though. She remarried some asshole looking guy and let him put a baby in her. -Sigh-


Well, I guess I should probably go buy some condoms and petroleum jelly. Remember, if you plan on getting it in tonight fellas, be safe and wrap it up. I know science has found a cure for AIDS, but you can still wind up getting some girl whose last name you don't know pregnant.