This is a post about fat people.

I was fucking around on Tumblr, shifting through all of the memes and pictures of gnarled tree breaches with really meaningful text written over them in Helvetica font when I came across this photo of Beth Ditto.

Beth Ditto is the lead singer of The Gossip, some hipster r&b, rock 'n roll group. As you can clearly see, Beth is fat. Perhaps even obese. Please note the excessive cottage cheese on her thighs. I know this is the 21st century and I'm suppose to keep it PC and be all enlightened and shit and say "Big girl, you're beautiful" or whatever, but I'm not going to. No, let's "keep it real" you guys. This shit is disgusting. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, attractive about this picture or this woman (besides her haircut maybe.) I'm all for having a positive body image and being comfortable in your skin, but there's a line.

Even though I usually change the station when my TV starts bitching and moaning about obesity running rampant in America, I think they might have a point. And I don't mean from a health perspective, I mean strictly from a cosmetic perspective. If you're a female, why would you allow yourself to get as big as Beth Ditto, like, seriously. Why? You'll never get laid. I mean, OK, maybe fat dudes would want a piece of that never-ending ass, or guys filled up with so much booze they don't really care what happens to their penis, but come on. You should aim higher than that. Ladies, you need to love yourself first before an attractive man will, and that means not having gross cottage cheese thighs.

When I see a picture like this of someone Beth Ditto's size prancing around on stage, all secure and happy with their unhealthy waist size, I get sad. Then I get kind of pissed off. Kids will see images like this and think it's OK to be fucking huge, and that creates a whole new generations of whales walking around with an unwarranted sense of self-importance/confidence. I've noticed there are a lot of fat women on Twitter who fancy themselves "sex kittens" or something. They think just because they have size G breasts due to excessive lard content in their body they can tweet sexually suggestive things and post "sexy" pics of themselves via Twitpic. Women like this are under the delusion of being "thick", when in reality, they are morbidly obese and gross. If it weren't so sad/perverse, I'd find it funny. But it's not funny, it's tragic.

What's even more tragic is the emergence of websites/pornography dedicated to fat women. So-called "chubby chasers" are just exacerbating the problem by letting these women think it's OK to eat ten large meals a day and still be considered sexy/fuckable. It's not cool, bro. Not at all. The bottom line is, if you're fat, OK, whatever, but don't "show off" your rolls like it's a major turn on for normal, well-adjusted men. Just sit quietly in the back of McDonald's and eat your five Big Macs, fifty piece nuggets and bag full of fries then keep it moving. Don't get up and do a strip tease, or smack your belly and watch it jiggle. It's not sexy and it's not OK.

This is a post about child birth.

Child birth is a disgusting and unnatural phenomenon, like shitting or voting republican. I know that a man has to put his penis into a woman's vagina and ejaculate his sea-men into her stomach to sustain the human race, but I find it odd scientist haven't developed a new, less icky way to populate the species. Every year a new high tech phone and video game console is unveiled, yet people are still going about procreation the same way they have for trillions of years (thousands if you subscribe to the beliefs in the popular best selling novel The Bible)I'm of the belief we need to get our priorities straight and brainstorm methods to produce kids that aren't as archaic and primitive as traditional child birth.


It's insulting to me as a human being that lesser creatures such as Starfish and worms can continue their species through magic and natural selection. I read in my 5th grade science book that these animals simply decide they want a baby and poof! they have a baby. No nine months of carrying another "thing" inside your stomach. No "morning sickness" or weird food cravings. At times I find myself questioning my faith, when God made us in His image, yet blessed starfish and lowly earth worms with the ability to get pregnant without actually "getting pregnant." I guess He really does work in totally random mysterious ways.


Obviously not everyone agrees with my views on child birth. Media creations Jon and Kate clearly enjoy(ed) "getting down 'old school'" when it came to making babies.


Since I get all my news from "Twitter", it seems like Jon & Kate separating is a big deal. Even CNN's Larry King and the dashing homosexual Anderson Cooper devoted time on their respective shows to "discuss" this relevant piece of news. It's probably such a hot topic because of all of those kids. I think people are grossed out/intrigued by the fact this couple willingly accepted eight children into their lives. Any rational person would think to eliminate at least three of them, but they decided to keep the whole bunch. If this were the "olden times", back before birth control and women's rights, I could understand shitting out eight kids. But in the 21st century it's just puzzling and perverse.


I predict that Jon will become fat and unpleasant to look at over time, much like Britteny Spear's baby's daddy K-Fed. He'll probably struggle to pay child support after his fifteen minutes of fame are up and resort to parodying himself in a commercial that will run during the Super Bowl. Then he might "kill himself" and become a trending topic on Twitter for a few days before vanishing into obscurity forever.


As for Kate and the children, I think the pressure of raising all those little bastards on her own will eventually catch up to her and she'll either drown them all in a bathtub and claim "Jesus" told her to do it, or auction them all off to famous motion picture entity Brangelina or the ancient Jewish gypsy minstrel Madonna for money to pay the mortgage or whatever it is adults with responsibilities do.



In summation, don't bother having kids. The world is going to end in three years anyway, remember?