Top Ten Box Office Movie Reviews Part 2

Sheeeeeiiiit. I haven't been to the movies in years it seems. I firmly believe American cinema peaked during the summer of 2007 with the arrival of Superbad and since then has slowly but surely regressed, like A.J. from the Backstreet Boys hairline:
(Damn, I can't believe I went there.)

But what do I know, like I said, I haven't been to "the theater" in like, forever. Fortunately that minor detail won't prevent me from reviewing the top ten grossing movies in the box office this week, or last week or whatever week this is. I'm not sure anymore, I have a substance abuse problem. LET'S GO!


Avatar- I really don't know what to say about this movie. I've seen the previews, I've read the rave reviews and I'm following relevant celebs on twitter who vouch for it, but shit. I just don't have any desire to watch this. Plus, I think it's one of those movies that try and subtlety throw in some kind of message about how humans are scum and are destroying the earth or some bullshit like that. WHATEVER Al Gore.

Sherlock Holmes- You know, for all intent and purposes, Robert Downey Jr. should be dead right now, or at the very least appearing alongside Gary Busey in some shitty B movie cop drama that goes straight to DVD/the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. But no, he's conquered his demons and is really making good over there in Hollywood. However, I think the only way I'd even remotely consider seeing this movie is if Gary Busey played Watson.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel- I really don't have to say anything about this one, it speaks for itself.

Daybreakers- OKAY, let me get this straight: this movie is about vampires, but it's not a love story with a Mormon abstinence message undertone and sparkly bloodsuckers? Haha, yeah right, and there was a sixth Rocky film! Psh, you must think I'm stupid!

It's Complicated- No, it's not really. It's rather simple, Alec Baldwin will never turn down any role. Ever.

Leap Year- This movie is weird. It seems like it only exists to exist. Like someone just said "Hey, I think we should do a movie with Amy Adams just for the fuck of it." and whoever green lights these pieces of shit was like "Sure, what the hell. Just throw something together and we'll start shooting right away. Fuck it." Then again I think I just described 80% of all movies but OMG Amy Adams is so adorable though!!!!

The Blindside- WTF? This is still in theaters? Damn, I guess people really do love "feel-good" movies. Haha, people are so stupid! Except for me of course, I have a blog.

Up In The Air- Ugh.

Youth in Revolt- In which Michael Cera stretches himself as an actor and plays Michael Cera playing Michael Cera as a little bit of a douche. So just Michael Cera. Haha, just kidding, I read he's very sweet in real life and likes to play the guitar.

The Princess and the Frog- Oh my God! A Disney animated movie with black people as the main characters?! Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen body is turning in its, um, meat locker right now! I like how the movie is set in 1920's New Orleans and there's probably nary a mention of, I don't know, the rampant racism that was common during that time (AKA The Shawshank Redemption syndrome.) Haha, I love fairy tales.

Looks like it's been a good year for movies thus far. I look forward to critiquing more in the near future. Until then, I leave you with this:

Top 10 Box Office "reviews".

In this segment of the blog I will list the top ten movies in this week's box office and "review" them. Translation: I will "shit on" the top ten box office movies in a flippant, smug manner, possibly out of jealously for not being talented enough to write/direct/act in even the shittest of films. (Disclaimer: I have not actually seen any of the following movies.)

Couples Retreat- This movie reminds me of "Wedding Crashers", except there's no wedding. Vince Vaughn is one of my favorite actors/guys who play themselves in movies, despite the fact he's a republican. I wish him no ill will personally, but this film is pretty awful.

Zombieland- Remember that post I did about Jesse Eisenberg out Michael Cera-ing Michael Cera? You don't? You're new to this blog? What? Oh, you stumbled upon it by mistake searching for amateur pornography? It happens. Anyway, Zombieland seems like an Americanized version of "Shaun Of The Dead" sans Simon Pegg and the "British" humor I hear so much about. Instead we get pot-loving Woody Harrelson and the nebish Eisenberg. I would probably watch this movie if someone else was paying for my ticket and I was allowed to use both cup holders, one for my 64 ounce Dr. Pepper and the other to rest my arm.

Cloudy With a Chance Of Meatballs- This is a "3D animated" film based off of a children's book, but it's accessible for "adults too". I'd rather just watch the original "Shrek" for free and relive the "glory days" of Mike Myers before "The Love Guru" killed a little bit of everyone's spirit.

Paranormal Activity- I'm thinking this movie is kind of like the "Blair Witch Project" for the Twitter generation. A low budget horror film that gains momentum by word of mouth and effective PR gimmicks (accounts of people fainting/vomiting in the theaters because the movie is sooo scary.)While I didn't hate the Blair Witch Project, and actually found the ending to be a bit unnerving and sorta worth the four hours of improvisation, I wouldn't shell out the twenty dollars to see it in theaters, same goes for Paranormal Activity. (Movies cost twenty dollars now, right?)

Toy Story/Toy Story 2- I don't understand this 3D shit. Wasn't "Toy Story" already in "3D"? I think I might "hate" people who go see this movie and that worries me. :(

Surrogates- I think this is just "I am Robot/Minority Report" with Bruce Willis. Another republican who is "aight" in my book, sometimes.

The Invention of Lying- The guy who created the original Office is in this and like the original Office, I would probably have a hard time enjoying this film because I wouldn't be able to discern what the characters are saying/"get" the sophisticated humor that the Brits pride themselves on. I'm just not that smart. :(

Whip It- Juno and Drew Barrymore are in this. It's about an all girls roller derby league. Sounds kind of "sexy", but is it sexy enough to spend my "hard earned" money to see? No.

Capitalism: A Love Story- Let me sum this movie up for you in one sentence: "America is bad/has a lot of "issues", boo America!"

Fame- The Television show looked like it sucked a copious amount of ass, same can be said for the movie. The only reason it even made the top ten is because people are still very much in love with this whole "80s nostalgia" bullshit fad. PLUS, WHO COULD RESIST THE LEG WARMERS???!!!!