Around this time every year we reflect on the life of a great man, Martin Luther King Jr. aka MLK aka Tha Kang. When Martin died on the cross for our sins forty-one years ago he consummated the movement that today makes it possible for men like Tyler Perry to flood cable stations and movie theaters with modern day minstrel shows and unadulterated buffoonery. When MLK had a dream, he dreamed of a 6'5 black man dressed up in drag wielding a gun. He dreamed of hackneyed plot devices and broad, one dimensional characters. He dreamed of pandering to a specific demographic and milking that cash cow for all it was worth. This was his dream and we can proudly say that dreams do come true.
Sheeeeeiiiit. I haven't been to the movies in years it seems. I firmly believe American cinema peaked during the summer of 2007 with the arrival of Superbad and since then has slowly but surely regressed, like A.J. from the Backstreet Boys hairline: (Damn, I can't believe I went there.)
But what do I know, like I said, I haven't been to "the theater" in like, forever. Fortunately that minor detail won't prevent me from reviewing the top ten grossing movies in the box office this week, or last week or whatever week this is. I'm not sure anymore, I have a substance abuse problem. LET'S GO!
Avatar- I really don't know what to say about this movie. I've seen the previews, I've read the rave reviews and I'm following relevant celebs on twitter who vouch for it, but shit. I just don't have any desire to watch this. Plus, I think it's one of those movies that try and subtlety throw in some kind of message about how humans are scum and are destroying the earth or some bullshit like that. WHATEVER Al Gore.
Sherlock Holmes- You know, for all intent and purposes, Robert Downey Jr. should be dead right now, or at the very least appearing alongside Gary Busey in some shitty B movie cop drama that goes straight to DVD/the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. But no, he's conquered his demons and is really making good over there in Hollywood. However, I think the only way I'd even remotely consider seeing this movie is if Gary Busey played Watson.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel- I really don't have to say anything about this one, it speaks for itself.
Daybreakers- OKAY, let me get this straight: this movie is about vampires, but it's not a love story with a Mormon abstinence message undertone and sparkly bloodsuckers? Haha, yeah right, and there was a sixth Rocky film! Psh, you must think I'm stupid!
It's Complicated- No, it's not really. It's rather simple, Alec Baldwin will never turn down any role. Ever.
Leap Year- This movie is weird. It seems like it only exists to exist. Like someone just said "Hey, I think we should do a movie with Amy Adams just for the fuck of it." and whoever green lights these pieces of shit was like "Sure, what the hell. Just throw something together and we'll start shooting right away. Fuck it." Then again I think I just described 80% of all movies but OMG Amy Adams is so adorable though!!!!
The Blindside- WTF? This is still in theaters? Damn, I guess people really do love "feel-good" movies. Haha, people are so stupid! Except for me of course, I have a blog.
Up In The Air- Ugh.
Youth in Revolt- In which Michael Cera stretches himself as an actor and plays Michael Cera playing Michael Cera as a little bit of a douche. So just Michael Cera. Haha, just kidding, I read he's very sweet in real life and likes to play the guitar.
The Princess and the Frog- Oh my God! A Disney animated movie with black people as the main characters?! Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen body is turning in its, um, meat locker right now! I like how the movie is set in 1920's New Orleans and there's probably nary a mention of, I don't know, the rampant racism that was common during that time (AKA The Shawshank Redemption syndrome.) Haha, I love fairy tales.
Looks like it's been a good year for movies thus far. I look forward to critiquing more in the near future. Until then, I leave you with this:
I've avoided talking about the "Tiger Woods scandal" thus far because honestly, I didn't think it was blog worthy. According to Twitter trending topics, however, I was mistaken. Apparently AT&T has opted to discontinue sponsoring Mr. Woods in light of his recent troubles. In actuality, Tiger has decided to stop sponsoring AT&T. Here are some fun facts, Tiger Woods is rich. Tiger Woods pulls the most white bitches since Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods doesn't need AT&T. If Tiger wanted, he could BUY AT&T right now, fuck the finest white women working for the company and then retire to his yacht for the remainder of the day counting his money and counting down to the new year. Here's another fact, Tiger Woods IS golf. If Tiger decides he's taking a break from playing, guess what? No one gives a shit about golf anymore. People are so accustom to watching Tiger dominate on the course every year that anything less in unacceptable and quite frankly, boring as fuck.
Tiger is the equivalent to the emperor back in ancient Rome during the gladiator games who decides who lives and who dies and right now, Tiger has decreed golf will get devoured by the lions because he's on vacation from golf. I read that Tiger checked into sex rehab. All that means is Tiger hoped onto his private jet to scourge the globe for some white women he hasn't fucked yet. Tiger is on a pussy safari, so the hell with AT&T and to hell with golf. When Tiger's decided his insatiable appetite for Beckys can be put on hold for a few hours so he can hit a different kind of ball into some holes, then the game of golf will be relevant again. So until then...
2009 has been a sonofabitch of a year and it goes without saying I am very eager to begin fresh with the dawn of a new decade, i.e. 2010. Like most Americans, I will make New Years Resolutions, hollow, half-assed declarations to improve myself in the coming year. Of course by the second week of January said resolutions will be long forgotten and I will quickly and easily fall back into my old, dangerous habits, but it's fun to humor oneself nonetheless. With that said, here are my New Years Resolutions for the year 2010: -I will eat more kittens. -I will rob more kittens at gunpoint.
-I will grab less ass and more boob.
-I will high-five more bobcats during my lunch break at work.
-I will adorn my newborn child with various cooperate logos in an attempt to generate more disposable income for my family.
-I will butt-fuck opposing players in my local adult soccer league.
-Will set fire to my hair and get an unnecessary amount of facial piercings. -I will wear more ironic t-shirts and tentatively consider liposuction, then back out at the last minute because my HMO probably doesn't cover that. -I will encourage my child to smoke only "lite" cigarettes in an effort to prolong his/her/its life expectancy by several weeks. -I will eat you.
-I Will pretend Adam Sandler is still relevant/funny. -I will ejaculate on more women from greater distances.
-I will have more threesomes with Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep. -I will go to Wal-Mart with my life partner of 20 years and have our picture taken to include in holiday greeting cards. -I will clone myself and do a copious amount of cocaine. -I will fuck this man in the beard.
-I will enthusiastically perform amateur pap smears on all of my female acquaintances. -I will sexually harass more women in the office.
-I will became a complete and utter douche bag/tool.
-I will enjoy more hardcore pornography with friends and loved ones instead of alone or at an internet cafe.
-I will experiment more with alternative lifestyles.
Hello and welcome to This Was Never Funny, a new segment of the blog where I present something that has never been funny, yet continues to exist in some form or another in popular culture. Today's "winner" is: White people wearing giant afro wigs.
This is not now, nor has it ever been even remotely funny. It's not even funny in a painfully self-aware, post-post-post ironic meta sort of way. It's just uninspired and embarrassing. I know white people have a history of hijacking black fashion styles, music, manner of speech, motherland, etc., but the giant afro wig is just inexcusable.
Even though I don't advocate this kind of dumbass-ness (it's a word, look it up), I think I would prefer white folks going the "black face route" and dressing up as their "favorite rapper", ala a campus Halloween party at some college in Texas/North Carolina/Boston. At least this is "pushing the envelope" some and is funny in a "My God, I can't believe how outrageous/utterly offensive this is" kind of way.
When The Whites put their minds to it, they can be quiet hilarious, all I ask is that they try harder and don't take the easy way out by purchasing a giant afro wig at the local costume shop/Wal-Mart Super Store or wherever the hell those things are bought. Don't sell yourself short, you're "better than that".
DISCLAIMER: Hey everyone, this post is going to be about Christmas, so if you're one of those liberals who gets all "butt hurt" when bloggers like myself assume everyone is a Christian of some sort and celebrates Christmas, you might want to stop reading now.
So anyway, I want to talk about the real reason we celebrate Christmas in this blog entry. It's not about receiving presents or candy cane BJs during the annual Holiday office party. Christmas is really about the birth of Jesus Christ about 90 years ago on December 25th. Jesus was a "pretty big deal", he was the son of God, even though he was raised by a janitor named Joseph because God was pretty busy making bad stuff happen to good people and couldn't really be bothered with raising a kid at the time.
Jesus was a "gifted" child, he graduated from the University of Phoenix when he was only 15 and got a job as a paid intern for some major marketing firm. When he was 33 he mysteriously died after finding a cure for AIDS only months before. His legacy lives on in films, bloody conflicts in countries I can't pronounce and the popular children's book "The Bible."
Christmas is a celebration of this great man's life, so when you're opening presents and having a temper tantrum because Santa didn't bring you that WiFit you wanted, remember Jesus and the fact that he cured AIDS for you and your sins.
This decade is damn near done with and I felt now would be the proper time to hit you with the Top 10 Celebrity Quotes of The 2000's. These are some of the most hilarious, controversial and profound things our most beloved celebrities have uttered these last nine years, so sit back and get ready to laugh/cry/shake your heads in dismay!
10: "Please pay attention to me." -Perez Hilton 9: "This is it." -Michael Jackson 8: "I don't care for black people very much." -Michael Richards 7: "Let's do some cocaine." -Lindsay Lohan 6: "How about a blow job today?" -Paris Hilton
5: "Let's do some cocaine." -Britney Spears 4: "We believe in God." -The Jonas Brothers
3: "Bill O'Reilly can suck my dick. And yes, it does lean towards the left." -Keiff Oblermann 2: "BRB, water-boarding." -Dick Cheney 1: "I like to fuck women who are not my wife, now leave me alone." -Tiger Woods
There you have it folks, the Top 10 Celebrity Quotes of The Decade. I can't wait to hear what they're gonna say next time around!
