The Bible for dummies.

Hello, greetings, what's up, welcome, sup? This is a new feature to the blog where I will select a story from The Bible and present it in a concise, elementary way so half-wits and children can understand it clearly. The Bible should not be exclusive to only people with a 1st grade education and theologists, it should be all inclusive, like a holy orgy.


Today's story is "The Serpent in The Garden" or "How Women Done Fucked Up".
The most cunning of the beasts which the Lord had made was the serpent, and the serpent said to the woman: "Hey girl, did God forbid you to eat the fruit of the trees of the garden?" The woman said: "We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden except the tree which is in the middle of the garden. Of this God said, 'You shall not eat of it nor touch it, lest your ass wants to die.'" "Bullshit, you will not die", said the serpent. "God knows that the day you eat of the fruit your eyes will be like gods, knowing good from evil and shit." The woman looked at the tree and saw that it was pleasant to the eyes and good for eating. So she said "fuck it" and picked some of the fruit and ate it. She gave some also to her husband who was with her, and he ate it too because the woman would not stop nagging him about its nutritional value and he wasn't trying to hear all that noise.


Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were buck ass naked. So the woman sewed some fig leaves together to cover themselves up. In the cool of the day the Lord strolled through the garden. The man and the woman heard the voice of the Lord and thought "Oh shit!" so they hid themselves from his presence, among the trees in the garden. The Lord God called to man saying: "Where you at? How come you aren't answering my texts?" "I have heard your voice in the garden," said man. "I was afraid because I was naked and aroused, so I hid... myself." "Who told you that you were naked?" asked the Lord God. "Wait, did you eat the fruit from that tree which I distinctly told your dumb ass not to eat from?" Man said "See, what had happened was the woman whom you gave me to be with gave me fruit of the tree and I ate it 'cuz the bitch ain't say at the time which tree she got it from." The Lord God said to the woman: "What is this you have done?" "The serpent tempted me," said the woman, "and I ate. Shit, I was hungry and that was some good-ass fruit."


The Lord God said to the serpent: "Because you have done this, you are cursed above all cattle and above every beast of the field. You ain't gonna have no legs, so yo' ass is crawling on your belly and eating dust from here on out." To the woman he said: "I will multiply your suffering. You shall bring forth your children in sorrow and for happiness you shall depend on your husband, and he shall rule over you." To the man he said: "Because you listened to the voice of your wife like a tool and ate the forbidden fruit, the ground shall be cursed beneath you. In sorrow you shall eat of it every day of your life. Thorns and thistles it will bring forth for you, and you shall eat the grass of the field. By the sweat of your brow you---" suddenly man threw his arms in the air and interrupted God and said: "Damn, all this for eating some apricots?! You know what, we're just gonna head on out of the garden and set up camp elsewhere if it's all the same to you. No disrespect, but you're a horrible landlord, bruh. You are overreacting like a motherfucker my dude, for real. So just knit us some buffalo hides or something to wear and we'll be out."


And that's the story of "original sin" and the origin of the universally accepted sexism that became common place in many societies throughout the world! :)

Step your religion game up, homie.

I'm going to be honest with you guys, I'm pretty scared. I'm scared about the future and my own mortality. As I've documented in a past post, 2009 has been a pretty shitty year as far as staying alive is concerned. It seems like every time I boot up my computer and sign into Twitter, I find out about another dead celebrity. Or every time I turn on FOX News I see a mob group of belligerent concerned white people protesting something stupid Barack Obama has done (according to aging lesbian Janeane Garofalo, these people are called "redneck teabaggers.") Or when I switch over to The History Channel I see a bunch of shows about "The end of the world" & "disaster programs".


I read somewhere that the world is definitely going to end in the year 2012, Hollywood even made a movie about it and cast John Cusack, so it must be true.


I'm at a crossroads. If we as a species only have roughly two in a half more years to kick it, I don't think I want to squander it by continuing to lead a meaningless, empty existence. I want to believe in something bigger than myself. I want to believe in "God." When an asteroid crashes into the Earth killing everyone instantaneously and Jesus comes back to judge our smoldering souls, I want Him to say to me, "Hey. Guess what? We have a room in Heaven with your name on it, guy." I'm ready to get saved.


Now comes the hard part. What's the best/right way to "believe in God?" There are literally hella different denominations of the Christian faith, so which one is the legit one? The only thing I know for sure is that Islam is obviously not the way to go. (They believe in a brown God/fake God who hates baseball and freedom) I went on Wikipedia and did some extensive research on Christianity to try and help me make an informed and correct decision on my quest for eternal salvation and complete indoctrination.

Apparently "Judaism" was like the "first religion ever" and a sort of precursor to Christianity as we know it today. I guess back in the day God was really tight with The Jews and made them His "Chosen People" (kind of like His "clique" or "entourage" in modern terms.) I was just about ready to say Fuck it and convert to Judaism, but then I found out The Jews murdered Jesus, and, on top of that, don't really believe he was magic and shit. I don't know about you, but it seems highly unlikely I'd get into Heaven as a Jew if Jesus is the one manning the entrance, know what I mean?


Next I checked out Catholicism. It seemed pretty intense. You have to repent for every bad thing you've ever done in your life ever, no matter how minor and you're not allowed to masturbate and can only have sex when you're married (strictly for reproductive purposes, anything else is considered sinful and gross.) Being Catholic sounded like a lot of hard work and I'm pretty lazy. Plus, I was afraid I'd turn into a little boy fucker and I'd have to wear one of those "gay ass" robe/dress deals.


Finally I got bored and was just like, shit man, can't I just say I'm a plain old "Christian" without having to identify with any specific branch or subgroup? I tried "praying" to God asking Him to tell me what I should do, but I haven't heard back yet. I'm afraid by the time I actually figure this mess out, it will be too late and I would have wasted what little time I have left weighting the pros and cons of something that may or may not even be all that important. I mean, what if Scientology was invented trillions of years ago instead of Christianity or Islam? The majority of people would be Scientologist and no one would bat an eye or try and contain themselves from bursting out into uncontrollable laughter because Scientology would be viewed as a universally accepted religion, unlike the bizarrely curious joke it is today. But who's to say "they're right" and the "other side is wrong"?

We're all just insignificant specks in this vast, unwieldy universe and the truth of the matter is, we don't matter. We're expendable and whether or not the world ends in 2012 because of a biblical prophecy or "global warming", it's not going to change the fact that in the end, we're all eventually going to get cancer and die anyway, only to rot in the ground and maybe come back as Marvel zombies.