Can we seriously get serious for a moment? Seriously.

I'm a professional blogger, that means I have many poignant life experiences under my belt. I've been around the block a few times and I know what's what, you know? I feel I'd be doing a great disservice to my millions of readers if I didn't share one of these experiences today. It's important that the reader have a solid relationship with the blogger, much like the relationship you share with your probation officer and or drug dealer. The following is a story taken from the book of my life.

The year was 2005 and I had just turned 19. I was attending a respectable community college and held a part time job stacking boxes. I was extremely lonely and comically depressed. As a member of Generation Y, I had a difficult time interacting with human beings face-to-face and preferred the comfort and familiarity of the internet and instant messaging. By early February I had hit rock bottom. I alienated everyone at work and virtually dropped out of school. I would drive to campus in the morning, park my car and sit there for five to six hours listening to Belle & Sebastian and doodling in my notebooks. In layman's terms I was acting like a complete "emo faggot."


My only solace was in AOL chat rooms. By '05 they were already a forgotten relic of a bygone era, but I still got a kick out of them. One night after work I entered a chat room created by AOL members called "Linkin Park." If you recall, chat rooms created by members feature a "bolt", meaning the person who created said room had the power to ban/kick anyone out of the room at their discretion. This is how I first met Rita. She wielded the power and authority of The Bolt and luckily for me I "passed the test" and was deemed cool enough to remain in the chat. Soon I would become a "regular", popping in every night after work and eventually screen names gave way to our IRL names and a friendship began to bloom.

Rita was 16 at the time and more depressed than me. We would stay up until the wee hours of the morning bemoaning how depressed and alienated we were and gradually I developed an "e-crush" on her. Now my days were spent waiting until I could get back online to chat with Rita and regal her with tales of all the injustices the world had done me and vice versa. Eventually she revealed she too had developed "feelings" for me and I was thrilled. My lonely days, it seemed, were over. I had found my soul mate thanks to the magic of American Online chat rooms. It was going to be her and I 4ever.

But, alas, a bump in the road surfaced. It seemed I wasn't the only sad bastard Rita had been "flirting" with online. I was sharing her affections with another member from the chat, Brian G. Rita "liked" Brian too, but apparently he was an asshole, so that made it appear I was comfortably ahead in the race for her heart. I thought I was in love with a girl I had never even met face to face before. Eventually we "made it official" and started "dating". This consisted of us agreeing to one another that we were dating, and then announcing it to one or two people on our buddy lists. All was right with the world. Or so I thought (dun dun duuun). Weeks later the novelty of our beautiful cyber union had begun to wan for her and she became aloof (as aloof as a person communicating through text can be) and I started to panic. It was only a matter of time before she "broke up" with me. It hurt. It hurt bad.

In an act of defiance and anger I ran a postcard she had mailed me from when she was in Las Vegas with her mother through the shredder. That made me feel better for about seven to thirteen minutes. She wanted to "remain friends" and I had promised myself not to fall for that trick and to cut her out of my Internet life (or just life) completely, but of course I relented and we still chatted. Obviously it wasn't the same and I desperately wanted to breach the subject of "us" with her, but was reluctant to do so in fear of scaring her off. I vowed to myself that I would slowly but surely win her back by showing her what a catch I was. I had time, there was no rush.

There was a rush because while all of this was going on, Rita was getting very chummy with Brian G.'s best friend, who he had introduced her to as a means of gloating. She would drop slight hints about this guy, but they were always followed by what a jerk he was, so I wasn't too worried. Unfortunately the old adage held true about girls falling for jerks, because they become extremely close. They were exchanging lengthy e-mails to one another (like her and I used to do!) and soon took to talking on the phone (something she always ducked out of doing with me). Things were looking bleak. I was losing her to some asshole with a French sounding name. But I didn't give up hope completely. Naively I assumed my position as the nice guy, the best friend she came to do with all her problems would work in my favor in the long run. How stupid. I was thrown for a loop because she would constantly reiterate how much she loved me and that was enough for me to keep going. Finally I came out and told her that I was in love with her and wanted her back. She was very clear when she said that she "loved me as a friend, but was not in love with me." It was officially over. The dream was dead.

After that I stopped talking to her for about three months. Then we'd exchange polite e-mails every once in a while, but I just couldn't keep up the charade as if everything was fine and we were just two good friends catching up with each other. I was in love alone and there was no getting around that. I broke off communication with her completely.

This past August I spontaneously e-mailed Rita and we ended up chatting on AIM. I found out that she and Brian G.'s friend had gotten married and they now live in Texas. The five years that have come and gone helped cushion that blow, and while I am no longer "in love" with her, it still stung just a bit. But then I think about Brian G., the guy who was "there first" and how in the end, he's the one that got fucked over the most. The funny part though is, it's kind of his fault. If he had never introduced Rita to his buddy to brag, he might be the one married to her instead of him. Me? I was just a fifth wheel along for the ride. Never really a contestant in the "Rita sweepstakes" (I hope that doesn't come off as crass.) I never really had a shot, I was only a mere distraction, a reprieve from the chaos and adolescence hormones playing themselves out online. It was an interesting, albeit somewhat pathetic chapter in my life, but goddamn it sure is funny in retrospect.

Golden Globe Recap Post?

I'm a bit confused as to what this blog is about anymore. Initially I thought it was going to focus primarily on the trials and tribulations of a 20-something trapped in a perpetual state of adolescence. Then I thought it would just be a place for me to express my (illegal/morally reprehensible?) admiration for teenage girls. Finally I thought it would just be a place where I made fun of celebrities, kind of like that journalist Perez Hilton. My blog has gone through so many different identity crisis, I feel like a bi-racial person who has to choose between being black or being black but with lighter skin. It's very frustrating but at the same time I feel I have an unique perspective to be able to blog about anything I want. Since this is the internet and everyone's opinion is important, I'm under the delusion my blog can inspire people and help them gain insight into a particular subject they might have lacked before. That's why I think it's important I blog about last night's Golden Globes award ceremony.


Before I begin I just want make it absolutely clear that I did not physically watch the Golden Globes with my eyes and that I had no idea what a Golden Globe was until seventeen minutes ago. OK, so I guess the best course of action is to go down the list of winners and offer my unique and invaluable insight. So without further ado...

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture- Mo'nique,Precious
I remember I predicted this movie would win an Oscar in my now classic "Oscar Bait" post. I think Mo'nique deserved to win this award because she is generally considered a comedian and I feel that whenever a comedian steps out of their comfort zone and try their hand at drama they deserve to be recognized for it just because. It's like a truck driver trying to preform open heart surgery. Most likely they're going to fail, but they should receive accolades for being bold enough to try, even though someone needlessly died in the process.

Best Actress in a Television Series, Comedy or Musical- Toni Collette, United States of Tara.
That's that show by Diablo Cody, the stripper who's responsible for Juno. I'm a bit appalled by this one. I honestly feel that Diablo Cody is a determent to humanity and all things pure. I feel she shouldn't be allowed to express herself creatively in any public forum available for mass consumption. Which reminds me and I forgot to mention this months ago, but I'm really pleased that her latest motion picture Jennifer's Body was a total box office failure.

Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- John Lithgow, Dexter.
Haha, he played that alien in that one show about aliens.

Best Animated Feature Film - Up.
My Mom liked this movie, so I don't really want to say anything derogatory about it because I want her to continue paying my rent.

Best Actor in a Television Series, Drama- Michael C. Hall, Dexter.
I don't know who that is. Is Dexter a live-action spin off to Dexter's Laboratory?


Best Actress in a Television Series, Drama- Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife.
I don't know what that is.

Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Grey Gardens.
Now I'm really confused. I thought Grey Gardens was a family friendly theme park or resort for middle-aged married couples on the brink of divorce.


Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy- Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia.
Isn't that the movie where she plays Mrs. Doubtfire but with Asperger syndrome and Amy Adams is her little sister who bonds with her over baking? Haha, sounds pretty screw ball, I'm glad it won.

Best Actor in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance.
Kevin Bacon showed his penis in Wild Things and in a deleted scene from Footloose.

Best Actress in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Drew Barrymore, Grey Gardens.
Again with the Grey Garden, what the hell.

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture- Jason Reitman, Up in The Air
I love the performance Reitman got out of George Clooney in this movie. I think this was his best work since Batman & Robin.

Best Actor in a Television Series, Comedy or Musical- Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock.
I read somewhere Alec's chest hair is so dense that Stephen Baldwin's career got lost in there, never to be found again.

Best Foreign Language Film- The White Ribbon.
Sounds pretty foreign.

Best Television Series, Drama- Mad Men.
This is that show about business men with erectile dysfunction if I'm not mistaken. A really powerful show for not being afraid to touch on taboo subjects like that. I'm really happy it won.

Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Chloe Sevigny, Big Love.
Chloe Sevigny preformed fellatio on Vincent Gallo.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture- Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds.
I think "bastards" is spelled incorrectly on purpose. Quentin Tarantino is such a visionary.

Best Director - Motion Picture- James Cameron, Avatar
Never heard of it.

Best Televison Series, Comedy or Musical- Glee
These are the same people that did "Prop 8 The Musical, right?

Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical- The Hangover.
This is the movie that launched the career of Jack Black.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama- Sandra Bullock, The Blindside.
I really hope she signs on for Speed 3: The Musical.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy- Robert
Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
I liked him a lot in that movie where he was in black face, haha.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama- Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Remember "The Dude"? Hahaha, he wrote a check for a carton of milk!

And then Avatar won for best motion picture with blue people or some shit, blah blah blah.

Wow, that was really pointless.

Step your religion game up, homie.

I'm going to be honest with you guys, I'm pretty scared. I'm scared about the future and my own mortality. As I've documented in a past post, 2009 has been a pretty shitty year as far as staying alive is concerned. It seems like every time I boot up my computer and sign into Twitter, I find out about another dead celebrity. Or every time I turn on FOX News I see a mob group of belligerent concerned white people protesting something stupid Barack Obama has done (according to aging lesbian Janeane Garofalo, these people are called "redneck teabaggers.") Or when I switch over to The History Channel I see a bunch of shows about "The end of the world" & "disaster programs".


I read somewhere that the world is definitely going to end in the year 2012, Hollywood even made a movie about it and cast John Cusack, so it must be true.


I'm at a crossroads. If we as a species only have roughly two in a half more years to kick it, I don't think I want to squander it by continuing to lead a meaningless, empty existence. I want to believe in something bigger than myself. I want to believe in "God." When an asteroid crashes into the Earth killing everyone instantaneously and Jesus comes back to judge our smoldering souls, I want Him to say to me, "Hey. Guess what? We have a room in Heaven with your name on it, guy." I'm ready to get saved.


Now comes the hard part. What's the best/right way to "believe in God?" There are literally hella different denominations of the Christian faith, so which one is the legit one? The only thing I know for sure is that Islam is obviously not the way to go. (They believe in a brown God/fake God who hates baseball and freedom) I went on Wikipedia and did some extensive research on Christianity to try and help me make an informed and correct decision on my quest for eternal salvation and complete indoctrination.

Apparently "Judaism" was like the "first religion ever" and a sort of precursor to Christianity as we know it today. I guess back in the day God was really tight with The Jews and made them His "Chosen People" (kind of like His "clique" or "entourage" in modern terms.) I was just about ready to say Fuck it and convert to Judaism, but then I found out The Jews murdered Jesus, and, on top of that, don't really believe he was magic and shit. I don't know about you, but it seems highly unlikely I'd get into Heaven as a Jew if Jesus is the one manning the entrance, know what I mean?


Next I checked out Catholicism. It seemed pretty intense. You have to repent for every bad thing you've ever done in your life ever, no matter how minor and you're not allowed to masturbate and can only have sex when you're married (strictly for reproductive purposes, anything else is considered sinful and gross.) Being Catholic sounded like a lot of hard work and I'm pretty lazy. Plus, I was afraid I'd turn into a little boy fucker and I'd have to wear one of those "gay ass" robe/dress deals.


Finally I got bored and was just like, shit man, can't I just say I'm a plain old "Christian" without having to identify with any specific branch or subgroup? I tried "praying" to God asking Him to tell me what I should do, but I haven't heard back yet. I'm afraid by the time I actually figure this mess out, it will be too late and I would have wasted what little time I have left weighting the pros and cons of something that may or may not even be all that important. I mean, what if Scientology was invented trillions of years ago instead of Christianity or Islam? The majority of people would be Scientologist and no one would bat an eye or try and contain themselves from bursting out into uncontrollable laughter because Scientology would be viewed as a universally accepted religion, unlike the bizarrely curious joke it is today. But who's to say "they're right" and the "other side is wrong"?

We're all just insignificant specks in this vast, unwieldy universe and the truth of the matter is, we don't matter. We're expendable and whether or not the world ends in 2012 because of a biblical prophecy or "global warming", it's not going to change the fact that in the end, we're all eventually going to get cancer and die anyway, only to rot in the ground and maybe come back as Marvel zombies.

The New American Dream?

Over the past few years something has occurred that's blurred the lines between "mainstream" and "independent". From movies to fashion to music, it seems the two worlds have collided and left no discernible way to determine where one ends and the other begins. In 2009 it almost feels like popular culture has caved into itself and from this point forward, will just continue to metaphorically "devour itself" until there's nothing left. A prime example of this is the "new breed of indie movie" (Juno, Little Miss Sunshine, the movie with Jim from The Office) which are so utterly aware of their "indie" status and have somehow successfully courted mainstream audiences (stupid people) and alternative audiences (stupid people who like to pretend otherwise) and brought the two camps together. By positioning themselves firmly in the middle (LOL, sounds dirty) and pandering to both sides, these films have essentially "gotten their cake" and were able to "eat it too".



That brings me to my next point, "selling out". When it was once a badge of honor for independent bands and artists to openly reject any kind of endorsement from the mainstream, now it's become a "right of passage" of sorts. An indie band knows its "made it" when it's asked to reconfigure the lyrics to one of its songs to tout the wares of "Outback Steakhouse" or allow their songs to be utilized in commercials for luxury vehicles, personalized computers or even towel racks (Target, Kohl's, etc.)



Indie music has finally cast aside its "holier than thou" attitude and aversion to making a profit/living off of their craft and joined the parade of "sellouts" that used to only consist of rappers and indistinguishable pop-punk or punk-pop bands.



Before I would be appalled by this lack of "artistic integrity" and sullying the purity of "the music" by attaching a price to it. But now, especially in these economically troubling times, I have come to accept, nay, admire sellouts. Selling out is, and has always been, The American Dream. A nice house, white picket fence, 2.5 children, so on and so on. However now, in the Internet Age, anyone can achieve a newer, modernized version of the American Dream. With the advent of Youtube in 2005, all walks of people can become (Internet) famous. All you need is a decent "gimmick". For examples:


This kid's "shtick" is that he's "autistic" and has a fucked-up grill, meaning his lack of social grace and unappealing looks make him an easy target for anonymous assholes online to insult, which equals page hits which in turns equals a video with semi-famous rappers.


This guy's overweight and doesn't believe in God. He's always very animated and brash, constantly letting loose with "politically incorrect" opinions and a "devil may care attitude."

Again, he stirs up "controversy" because people love to argue and get offended, especially online. Result? Crazy page hits, ad rev and apparently a book deal.

Most importantly (for me anyway) is blogs. Blogging can make you internet famous as well and if you're lucky, maybe even rich. Like Youtube personalities, a blog that wants to "hit a nerve" with people needs a good gimmick. One of my favorites blogs, and the one that inspired this post is the popular Hipsterrunoff.com. HRO is a fertile breeding ground for gimmicks. From the blogger Carles' "text speak" writing style, to his saturation of the word "bro" and pretending to get hacked and rise from the dead. All these gimmicks have made Hipsterunoff, like its tag line proclaims, "a blog worth blogging about." Now it even has its own clothing line. (Did u get ur shirt yet?)


With all that said, I have decided that I, too, need to get on this bandwagon of self-branding/promotion and maybe make some money in the process. My blog needs a decent gimmick or two to get people's attention and generate page views. Here are a few ideas I'll throw out.

-I could take my "jail bait" posts up a notch and paste the heads of famous underage teen starlets onto the bodies of porn stars in sexually explicit poses---but I'm afraid this might cross some kind of "line of ethics"& get me in trouble with the authorities or blogger.com

-I could turn my blog strictly into a "celebrity gossip" blog, ala Perez Hilton and try to "out" closeted homosexual celebrities.

-I could use my blog to perpetrate false celebrity death rumors/start a Celebrity Death Pool and take bets on who readers think will expire next.

-I could just post hardcore pornography and hope enough people come to my page to masturbate and tell their friends about all the awesome amputee & bestiality flicks on Perpetual Adolescent Funk.

I'm not sure if any of these ideas would hold up in the long run, or if they'd just get played out very quickly or never really take off in the first place. I'm also unsure if I want to cross any kind of ethical lines, like I said before, and all of these ideas seem to require my doing so. Maybe selling out isn't all that important. Maybe I can just blog without worrying about page hits and becoming "bigger than HRO." Maybe there's more to life than being famous for doing something trivial on the internet. I suppose time will only tell.