Did you watch the VMAs?

I know I'm kind of late with my post-VMAs coverage, so we'll just call this my post-post VMAs coverage, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.


I didn't actually watch the show because I'm above watching that sort of thing (but not above blogging about it, amirite?!?) but I can pretty much piece together what went down from the Internet buzz. Apparently Taylor Swift got all "Lith Fair" and decided to sing a serious song about last year's incident with Kanye West. Instead of treating it as the joke it is, she got serious and came up with some song that made it seem like Kanye ran up on stage and raped her. Whereas last year Taylor got a lot of sympathy from stupid people and pre-teens, this year the majority of folks were just like "Bitch, are you serious with this shit? C'mon, son." That should have been the reaction to the whole thing last year, but like I said, people generally tend to be idiots.

Some chick named Chelsea Handler "hosted" the show and I'm not sure if she bombed or not. I read some things online from people who thought she was a bit out of line with some of her racial humor and I guess Sarah Silverman turned down MTV to host because isn't that her shtick? Saying really racist shit but with that "Haha, I'm just kidding, it's satire" defense? If the consensus is that Chelsea Handler bombed, I guess some people could just point to that and say "See, I told you women aren't funny!". But that's unfair because it is MTV and MTV is lame as fuck, and that lameness rubs off on everyone who comes into contact with MTV, especially the people who agree to host its award shows. Funny or not, she's hot and I'd totally hit that, which at the end of the day is all that matters.

The biggest moment of the show however was Lady Gaga. Not the fact that she won every single award, but that she wore a dress made out of meat. At first I was like, whatever, it's Lady Gaga she's an "artists" and is like, s0 random. The next day however, I read that her dress was suppose to "mean something", I'm not going to find the article with actual quotes, but I'll paraphrase. Basically she said the meat dress represented "human rights" and if we don't speak up for our rights, we're no more than the meat that hangs from our bones. And I was just like, yeah, whatever the fuck THAT means Gaga. She also mentioned something about gay soldiers and how the dress was for them too, blah blah blah. Listen Gaga, if you want to throw on a meat dress because you're a wacky bitch who loves attention then cool, just say that. But don't insult my intelligence and pull some lame, head-scratching rationale about how the dress symbolizes something out of your ass and expect me to take it at face value. That's not cool and it's not O.K.

All and all another mediocre clusterfuck being passed off as entertainment by MTV which only reinforces the fact Lady Gaga is an annoying attention whore who's BFFs with Perez Hilton. WHATEVER.

Oscar bait!

I was glancing up at my "Ladies of Fox News" calendar and noticed it's "Oscar season", meaning the creative juggernauts over in Hollywood are rearing up to entice us, the movie-going masses, with their most worthy, artistically inclined films, AKA, Oscar Bait. What exactly is Oscar Bait you ask? Simply only the most pandering, agenda-oriented, contrived pieces of cinema Tinsel Town can squeeze out of her vaginal canal and into the big bad world of entertainment goddammit! Let's take a look at three such films being served up this season, shall we?

First up we have Precious, the story of an obese teenage Afro-American female who pretty much has every bad thing imaginable happen to her, like ever.


Like any Oscar Bait movie worth its weight in critical acclaim, this cinematic gem offers us an "underdog story", where the main character seems to have the entire world pitted against them, yet somehow they still manage to persevere and come out on top, like Rocky or that movie with the kid who saw dead people and became a social worker for ghost or something. Another key element for successful Oscar Bait is movies about minorities. Precious is looking like an early winner because not only is it about a black female underdog, but she's also horrendously fat. The academy loves stories about diabetic black teenage mothers! Bravo!

Next up we have The Blind Side, a movie about a large black teenager (hmmm, sounds vaguely familiar) who is homeless, yet overcomes this minor inconvenience to win a football scholarship or some such thing.


Wow, I kind of teared up a little there. This movie is Oscar Bait dynamite! We have another underdog story, we have an overweight black kid but wait, here's where it really gets good---we have a southern white woman to save the day! Hallelujah! There won't be a dry eye in the theater! Since 93% of everyone working in Hollywood is a white liberal suffering from chronic "white guilt", movies about concerned, good-hearted whites helping down and out black people is an all time favorite, especially during Oscar season. I'm really liking this movie's chances, people. Racism is bad!

Lastly we have Invictus , the story of an African soccer team? Or is that "squash" they're playing, I can't tell.


I think this movie might be based on "actual events", I'm not sure, I'm a blogger, not a history major, but I believe Morgan Freeman is playing some important historical figure. Anyway, this movie is Oscar Bait because it has: A)Underdogs, B)Blacks needing or enlisting the help of whites and C)Accents. Any movie where the characters use some sort of accent must be important, therefore are worthy for Oscar consideration. The fact this movie is based on real shit that went down just helps its case even more because what's more deserving of universal recognition then taking something that actually happened and glossing it over with the magic of Hollywood and taking extreme cinematic liberties? The answer? Not a goddamn thing!

There you have it, three feature films to look out for when those little statues of the naked guy start getting handed out left and right during some boring, self-important five hour show I may or may not blog about later on down the road. Goodnight!

Step your religion game up, homie.

I'm going to be honest with you guys, I'm pretty scared. I'm scared about the future and my own mortality. As I've documented in a past post, 2009 has been a pretty shitty year as far as staying alive is concerned. It seems like every time I boot up my computer and sign into Twitter, I find out about another dead celebrity. Or every time I turn on FOX News I see a mob group of belligerent concerned white people protesting something stupid Barack Obama has done (according to aging lesbian Janeane Garofalo, these people are called "redneck teabaggers.") Or when I switch over to The History Channel I see a bunch of shows about "The end of the world" & "disaster programs".


I read somewhere that the world is definitely going to end in the year 2012, Hollywood even made a movie about it and cast John Cusack, so it must be true.


I'm at a crossroads. If we as a species only have roughly two in a half more years to kick it, I don't think I want to squander it by continuing to lead a meaningless, empty existence. I want to believe in something bigger than myself. I want to believe in "God." When an asteroid crashes into the Earth killing everyone instantaneously and Jesus comes back to judge our smoldering souls, I want Him to say to me, "Hey. Guess what? We have a room in Heaven with your name on it, guy." I'm ready to get saved.


Now comes the hard part. What's the best/right way to "believe in God?" There are literally hella different denominations of the Christian faith, so which one is the legit one? The only thing I know for sure is that Islam is obviously not the way to go. (They believe in a brown God/fake God who hates baseball and freedom) I went on Wikipedia and did some extensive research on Christianity to try and help me make an informed and correct decision on my quest for eternal salvation and complete indoctrination.

Apparently "Judaism" was like the "first religion ever" and a sort of precursor to Christianity as we know it today. I guess back in the day God was really tight with The Jews and made them His "Chosen People" (kind of like His "clique" or "entourage" in modern terms.) I was just about ready to say Fuck it and convert to Judaism, but then I found out The Jews murdered Jesus, and, on top of that, don't really believe he was magic and shit. I don't know about you, but it seems highly unlikely I'd get into Heaven as a Jew if Jesus is the one manning the entrance, know what I mean?


Next I checked out Catholicism. It seemed pretty intense. You have to repent for every bad thing you've ever done in your life ever, no matter how minor and you're not allowed to masturbate and can only have sex when you're married (strictly for reproductive purposes, anything else is considered sinful and gross.) Being Catholic sounded like a lot of hard work and I'm pretty lazy. Plus, I was afraid I'd turn into a little boy fucker and I'd have to wear one of those "gay ass" robe/dress deals.


Finally I got bored and was just like, shit man, can't I just say I'm a plain old "Christian" without having to identify with any specific branch or subgroup? I tried "praying" to God asking Him to tell me what I should do, but I haven't heard back yet. I'm afraid by the time I actually figure this mess out, it will be too late and I would have wasted what little time I have left weighting the pros and cons of something that may or may not even be all that important. I mean, what if Scientology was invented trillions of years ago instead of Christianity or Islam? The majority of people would be Scientologist and no one would bat an eye or try and contain themselves from bursting out into uncontrollable laughter because Scientology would be viewed as a universally accepted religion, unlike the bizarrely curious joke it is today. But who's to say "they're right" and the "other side is wrong"?

We're all just insignificant specks in this vast, unwieldy universe and the truth of the matter is, we don't matter. We're expendable and whether or not the world ends in 2012 because of a biblical prophecy or "global warming", it's not going to change the fact that in the end, we're all eventually going to get cancer and die anyway, only to rot in the ground and maybe come back as Marvel zombies.