Oscar bait!

I was glancing up at my "Ladies of Fox News" calendar and noticed it's "Oscar season", meaning the creative juggernauts over in Hollywood are rearing up to entice us, the movie-going masses, with their most worthy, artistically inclined films, AKA, Oscar Bait. What exactly is Oscar Bait you ask? Simply only the most pandering, agenda-oriented, contrived pieces of cinema Tinsel Town can squeeze out of her vaginal canal and into the big bad world of entertainment goddammit! Let's take a look at three such films being served up this season, shall we?

First up we have Precious, the story of an obese teenage Afro-American female who pretty much has every bad thing imaginable happen to her, like ever.


Like any Oscar Bait movie worth its weight in critical acclaim, this cinematic gem offers us an "underdog story", where the main character seems to have the entire world pitted against them, yet somehow they still manage to persevere and come out on top, like Rocky or that movie with the kid who saw dead people and became a social worker for ghost or something. Another key element for successful Oscar Bait is movies about minorities. Precious is looking like an early winner because not only is it about a black female underdog, but she's also horrendously fat. The academy loves stories about diabetic black teenage mothers! Bravo!

Next up we have The Blind Side, a movie about a large black teenager (hmmm, sounds vaguely familiar) who is homeless, yet overcomes this minor inconvenience to win a football scholarship or some such thing.


Wow, I kind of teared up a little there. This movie is Oscar Bait dynamite! We have another underdog story, we have an overweight black kid but wait, here's where it really gets good---we have a southern white woman to save the day! Hallelujah! There won't be a dry eye in the theater! Since 93% of everyone working in Hollywood is a white liberal suffering from chronic "white guilt", movies about concerned, good-hearted whites helping down and out black people is an all time favorite, especially during Oscar season. I'm really liking this movie's chances, people. Racism is bad!

Lastly we have Invictus , the story of an African soccer team? Or is that "squash" they're playing, I can't tell.


I think this movie might be based on "actual events", I'm not sure, I'm a blogger, not a history major, but I believe Morgan Freeman is playing some important historical figure. Anyway, this movie is Oscar Bait because it has: A)Underdogs, B)Blacks needing or enlisting the help of whites and C)Accents. Any movie where the characters use some sort of accent must be important, therefore are worthy for Oscar consideration. The fact this movie is based on real shit that went down just helps its case even more because what's more deserving of universal recognition then taking something that actually happened and glossing it over with the magic of Hollywood and taking extreme cinematic liberties? The answer? Not a goddamn thing!

There you have it, three feature films to look out for when those little statues of the naked guy start getting handed out left and right during some boring, self-important five hour show I may or may not blog about later on down the road. Goodnight!

Yo! What are you listening to?! part...4??

Hey guys, want to know what pussifed band I'm bumping in my whip today? Cool! I'll tell you! Right now I'm all about this groovy little group called The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart. I know, the name makes me cringe a little too, but GODdamn if they don't deliver some unapologetically melodic pop music, also known as "shoegaze" or "dream pop" or "shoe pop" or "dreamy pop shoes music."


I think the original name of this band was "The Pains Of Having a Nauseously Adorable Chick With Cute Bangs In Our Group", but I believe some band from Norway already took that one. Do me a favor? Enjoy this video for their song "Young Adult Friction", OK? Thanks you guys!

This is just filler.

50th post!

Hey everyone, this is our 50th blog post! Wow, can you believe it? Anyway, everyone here at Perpetual Adolescent Funk really wanted to blog about something special for our 50th post, but we all got too involved with real life issues, like eating food and watching soft core pornography from the mid-90s. Sorry. But don't fret, we're going to make it up to you by blogging at 115% instead of just 94% come this new year. In 2010 we're going to go "hella hard in the paint" (that's a basketball term, Google it!) to propel this blog to new heights of depravity.

Animals > Human beings.

As some of you may be aware, during a National Basketball Association (NBA) contest between the Sacramento Kings and San Antonio Spurs this past Halloween, Spurs' player Manu Ginobili savagely body slammed a small bat which had been "disrupting" the sporting event on and off throughout the night. The innocent, defenseless creature, who, according to his lawyer, was simply trying to find the exit out of the arena, sustained several cracked ribs and internal hemorrhaging before sadly succumbing to his injuries on route to the hospital.


Animal rights champions PETA had this to say about the incident:
"To bludgeon a 4-ounce animal to death, it takes either a small man or a totally unthinking one—with no respect or consideration for lives humbler than his own. This is a time when athletes in particular need to be on their best behavior around any animal and show that they have brains and a heart, not just reactionary brawn.
Bats always try to avoid contact with humans, and there are plenty of easy ways to keep bats out of a basketball arena (or your home). We hope that the next time someone's life is on the line, Manu Ginobili will take just a few seconds to think before he acts."

As always PETA is right on the money. Unfortunately Manu Ginobili, like many people, feel humans possess some arbitrary superiority over animals simply because we're capable of wearing pants and have souls. Animals are just as important, if not more so, as human beings. Animals are "people too" in a sense and I for one am grateful for organizations like PETA who fight tirelessly for their rights, even at the expense of appearing irrational and plain fucking stupid all of the time at times.


I honestly get sick to my stomach whenever I watch the video of the blood-thirsty Ginobili as he gleefully murders one of God's beautiful creations. What's even more sickening and perverse is the response of the crowd and announcers as they applaud this madman for snuffing out the life of an animal who only wanted to find his way home. If there was any justice in this world, Ginobili and anyone who lauded him for his atrocious display of brutality would be dragged out into the middle of the street and shot at point blank range with a Colt Python .357 Magnum revolver, then have their lifeless bodies thrown into a den of rabid coyotes, wilder beasts, lions, tigers, bears, the hyenas from The Lion King and antelope, where they would be devoured and shat out upon the scorched Earth.


Of course this would never happen because our society is so ass backwards and it's OK for humans to kill animals, but just let a misunderstood pit bull attack a baby, scarring it for life emotionally and physically and before you know it, people will be up in arms, demanding the dog be put down. What a disgusting double standard. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born a person. Sometimes I wish I was an eagle, or a sloth and could live my life as a noble, God fearing animal and not a stupid, car-driving, bat-killing human. All I can do is just hope and pray that one day, sooner than later, animals will finally be looked upon as equals to humans and not second class citizens. "We shall overcome."