Thursday, September 16, 2010

Did you watch the VMAs?

I know I'm kind of late with my post-VMAs coverage, so we'll just call this my post-post VMAs coverage, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

I didn't actually watch the show because I'm above watching that sort of thing (but not above blogging about it, amirite?!?) but I can pretty much piece together what went down from the Internet buzz. Apparently Taylor Swift got all "Lith Fair" and decided to sing a serious song about last year's incident with Kanye West. Instead of treating it as the joke it is, she got serious and came up with some song that made it seem like Kanye ran up on stage and raped her. Whereas last year Taylor got a lot of sympathy from stupid people and pre-teens, this year the majority of folks were just like "Bitch, are you serious with this shit? C'mon, son." That should have been the reaction to the whole thing last year, but like I said, people generally tend to be idiots.

Some chick named Chelsea Handler "hosted" the show and I'm not sure if she bombed or not. I read some things online from people who thought she was a bit out of line with some of her racial humor and I guess Sarah Silverman turned down MTV to host because isn't that her shtick? Saying really racist shit but with that "Haha, I'm just kidding, it's satire" defense? If the consensus is that Chelsea Handler bombed, I guess some people could just point to that and say "See, I told you women aren't funny!". But that's unfair because it is MTV and MTV is lame as fuck, and that lameness rubs off on everyone who comes into contact with MTV, especially the people who agree to host its award shows. Funny or not, she's hot and I'd totally hit that, which at the end of the day is all that matters.

The biggest moment of the show however was Lady Gaga. Not the fact that she won every single award, but that she wore a dress made out of meat. At first I was like, whatever, it's Lady Gaga she's an "artists" and is like, s0 random. The next day however, I read that her dress was suppose to "mean something", I'm not going to find the article with actual quotes, but I'll paraphrase. Basically she said the meat dress represented "human rights" and if we don't speak up for our rights, we're no more than the meat that hangs from our bones. And I was just like, yeah, whatever the fuck THAT means Gaga. She also mentioned something about gay soldiers and how the dress was for them too, blah blah blah. Listen Gaga, if you want to throw on a meat dress because you're a wacky bitch who loves attention then cool, just say that. But don't insult my intelligence and pull some lame, head-scratching rationale about how the dress symbolizes something out of your ass and expect me to take it at face value. That's not cool and it's not O.K.

All and all another mediocre clusterfuck being passed off as entertainment by MTV which only reinforces the fact Lady Gaga is an annoying attention whore who's BFFs with Perez Hilton. WHATEVER.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

This is a post about fat people.

I was fucking around on Tumblr, shifting through all of the memes and pictures of gnarled tree breaches with really meaningful text written over them in Helvetica font when I came across this photo of Beth Ditto.

Beth Ditto is the lead singer of The Gossip, some hipster r&b, rock 'n roll group. As you can clearly see, Beth is fat. Perhaps even obese. Please note the excessive cottage cheese on her thighs. I know this is the 21st century and I'm suppose to keep it PC and be all enlightened and shit and say "Big girl, you're beautiful" or whatever, but I'm not going to. No, let's "keep it real" you guys. This shit is disgusting. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, attractive about this picture or this woman (besides her haircut maybe.) I'm all for having a positive body image and being comfortable in your skin, but there's a line.

Even though I usually change the station when my TV starts bitching and moaning about obesity running rampant in America, I think they might have a point. And I don't mean from a health perspective, I mean strictly from a cosmetic perspective. If you're a female, why would you allow yourself to get as big as Beth Ditto, like, seriously. Why? You'll never get laid. I mean, OK, maybe fat dudes would want a piece of that never-ending ass, or guys filled up with so much booze they don't really care what happens to their penis, but come on. You should aim higher than that. Ladies, you need to love yourself first before an attractive man will, and that means not having gross cottage cheese thighs.

When I see a picture like this of someone Beth Ditto's size prancing around on stage, all secure and happy with their unhealthy waist size, I get sad. Then I get kind of pissed off. Kids will see images like this and think it's OK to be fucking huge, and that creates a whole new generations of whales walking around with an unwarranted sense of self-importance/confidence. I've noticed there are a lot of fat women on Twitter who fancy themselves "sex kittens" or something. They think just because they have size G breasts due to excessive lard content in their body they can tweet sexually suggestive things and post "sexy" pics of themselves via Twitpic. Women like this are under the delusion of being "thick", when in reality, they are morbidly obese and gross. If it weren't so sad/perverse, I'd find it funny. But it's not funny, it's tragic.

What's even more tragic is the emergence of websites/pornography dedicated to fat women. So-called "chubby chasers" are just exacerbating the problem by letting these women think it's OK to eat ten large meals a day and still be considered sexy/fuckable. It's not cool, bro. Not at all. The bottom line is, if you're fat, OK, whatever, but don't "show off" your rolls like it's a major turn on for normal, well-adjusted men. Just sit quietly in the back of McDonald's and eat your five Big Macs, fifty piece nuggets and bag full of fries then keep it moving. Don't get up and do a strip tease, or smack your belly and watch it jiggle. It's not sexy and it's not OK.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Is it time to forgive Chris Brown?

As most of you know, Chris Brown, the once reigning king of tween pop, performed a tribute to the now deceased King of Pop, Michael Jackson, during the BET music awards. Last year he was suppose to do a tribute, but Jay-Z wouldn't let him because I think Jigga Man acts as some sort of elder statesman of black popular music. Anyhow, during the tribute Breezy got embarrassingly emotional and broke down in tears like a little bitch.

This seemingly spontaneous display of emotion sent the Internet all aflutter and temporarily crashed Twitter. People in real life and in the digital world were divided as to whether or not Chris Brown was sincere and truly mourning the passing of the now most beloved man who ever lived, Michael Jackson, or simply using this as an opportunity to get back in the spotlight and sell more CDs. I read a lot of Tweets that proclaimed "Breezy was back!" and that he would snatch the crown away from Justin Beaver as the greatest teenage heartthrob of all time. Were Brown's tears, sincere or otherwise, really enough though? If you recall, the reason he was "black listed" in the first place was for beating the living shit out of Rihanna last year and giving light-skinned black men everywhere a bad name.

Are we really ready to forgive someone who batters women for shits and giggles and give them a second chance? I think it's kind of bizarre that people are more willing to forgive Chris Brown then they are someone like Tiger Woods, who really didn't do anything "wrong" besides step out on his wife and fuck some other white women. If we forgive Chris Brown but still treat Tiger like he's some sort of scumbag, are we saying it's "OK" to rough up chicks, but dipping your penis into some skag who isn't your wife/girlfriend is totally not cool? What kind of message does that send to the children who are more impressionable/autistic than ever?

Anyway, did you watch the BET music awards, or is that not really your scene (you know, being non-black and all.) What was up with all those different crazy-ass bag ladies who crashed the stage and butchered all those Prince songs?

I think one thing we can all agree on is, even at the age of 78, Prince is still a very sexy motherfucker, right?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Is Lady Gaga always "in character"?

I've been sitting here thinking a lot about Lady Gaga and how quirky and genius-y she is. I started to wonder how she acted when she wasn't in the public eye and you know, just at home in her mansion chilling, surfing the Internet or whatever. Does someone like Lady Gaga even do things like chill and surf the net? Or is she constantly thinking outside the box and acting wacky and artsy? Does she ever just wear some sweats and a comfy old sweater around the house, or is she always decked out in some elaborate costume that challenges our preconceived notions about what "fashion is"? Is Lady Gaga like a comedian who is always on and being funny? Or, like said comedian, is being funny 24/7 who she really is? Is being a set piece for a really pretentious play all day everyday who Lady Gaga really is? Maybe at one point the lines blurred and she forgot how to be a normal, well adjusted person and the Lady Gaga persona just took over entirely.

I'm worried Lady Gaga's grace period may be over and her honeymoon with the public might be ending. I've read some articles about how people are fucking tired of her bullshit and famous Jewish comedian Jerry Seinfeld even came out and said he "hated her fucking guts and hopes she trips on her absurd, impractical footwear and breaks her goddamn neck and dies." (direct quote) It's like, wow, what's the deal with that? (hehehe) Gags, better be careful, there's this new chick in town who appears to be moving in on her territory named Christina Aguilera. Like Lady Gaga, Christina Aguilera is all about weird-ass costumes, shitty Euro dance music and being sexually explicit, as shown here in this music video.

It looks to me like she out "Gaga'ed" Gaga. If I'm Lady Gaga's PR team I'm calling an emergency meeting and brainstorming some ideas to withstand this backlash/competition. I'm thinking maybe we go the "Kiss route" ala when they appeared on national TV sans their makeup. I suggest to Gaga she ditch the gimmicky costumes and just do a concert as Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (her real person name). This shows people, "Hey, I'm not just some freak show who needs attention, I'm an actual human being with something viable to say musically." Maybe she releases an acoustic album that gets sold in Starbucks, kind of like Norah Jones. I don't know, but what I do know is, she has to start thinking about reinventing herself, like Madonna did eighty years ago, or at the very least appearing fully naked, legs spread wide in Penthouse or something.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Lady GaGa will figure prominently in this post.

First, it's good to be back. I've been toiling away on Tumblr the last few months posting black and white pictures of beautiful things and quoting really poignant and meaningful movies. But I'm back now, ready to be irreverent and snarky again.

This post will shit on talk about the music video that has Twitter/the entire world abuzz, Lady GaGa's nine minute magnum opus Telephone, featuring The 'Yonce.

My first reaction after watching was "Does Quentin Tarantino know about this?" and my second reaction was "This song kind of sucks, why's it get a nine minute video?" and my third and final reaction was "Women's prisons are just as hot as Cinemax advertised, ass cheeks!" Now, I'm not the most cultured or smartest guy around, so maybe I just don't "get" this video or Lady GaGa's whole shtick in general, but I find myself asking "What's the big fucking deal?" Why is she viewed as this genius who isn't afraid to "push the envelope" and "go there"? Is it because she wears soda cans in her hair? Because she owns a pair of cigarette sun glasses? Because she "goes both ways" when it comes to coming? Do all those things warrant the critical and commercial accolades heaped upon Gags? Didn't Madonna do all of this shit like 60 years ago? I don't know, you tell me. Like I said, I might not be smart enough or artistically inclined enough to understand.

What's Lady Gaga's music about anyway? I'm so morbidly fascinated with her bizarre uniforms and her visual presentation that I haven't had time to actually listen to the lyrics. Does she just sing about dancing and getting fucked up at the club and making out with men and women, or do some of her songs "say something" about American society or, like, Africa? Sometimes I get the feeling she's an American version of Bjork, but somehow lacking any substance. But I can't really stand behind this theory 100 percent because I'm not sure if Bjork is a "credible artist" herself or just a sideshow attraction. Anyway, I think the real point here is, unless your name is Michael Jackson, you really have no business making a music video exceeding five minutes. The man's only been dead a few months, let the body at least get cold first, Jesus.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Can we seriously get serious for a moment? Seriously.

I'm a professional blogger, that means I have many poignant life experiences under my belt. I've been around the block a few times and I know what's what, you know? I feel I'd be doing a great disservice to my millions of readers if I didn't share one of these experiences today. It's important that the reader have a solid relationship with the blogger, much like the relationship you share with your probation officer and or drug dealer. The following is a story taken from the book of my life.

The year was 2005 and I had just turned 19. I was attending a respectable community college and held a part time job stacking boxes. I was extremely lonely and comically depressed. As a member of Generation Y, I had a difficult time interacting with human beings face-to-face and preferred the comfort and familiarity of the internet and instant messaging. By early February I had hit rock bottom. I alienated everyone at work and virtually dropped out of school. I would drive to campus in the morning, park my car and sit there for five to six hours listening to Belle & Sebastian and doodling in my notebooks. In layman's terms I was acting like a complete "emo faggot."

My only solace was in AOL chat rooms. By '05 they were already a forgotten relic of a bygone era, but I still got a kick out of them. One night after work I entered a chat room created by AOL members called "Linkin Park." If you recall, chat rooms created by members feature a "bolt", meaning the person who created said room had the power to ban/kick anyone out of the room at their discretion. This is how I first met Rita. She wielded the power and authority of The Bolt and luckily for me I "passed the test" and was deemed cool enough to remain in the chat. Soon I would become a "regular", popping in every night after work and eventually screen names gave way to our IRL names and a friendship began to bloom.

Rita was 16 at the time and more depressed than me. We would stay up until the wee hours of the morning bemoaning how depressed and alienated we were and gradually I developed an "e-crush" on her. Now my days were spent waiting until I could get back online to chat with Rita and regal her with tales of all the injustices the world had done me and vice versa. Eventually she revealed she too had developed "feelings" for me and I was thrilled. My lonely days, it seemed, were over. I had found my soul mate thanks to the magic of American Online chat rooms. It was going to be her and I 4ever.

But, alas, a bump in the road surfaced. It seemed I wasn't the only sad bastard Rita had been "flirting" with online. I was sharing her affections with another member from the chat, Brian G. Rita "liked" Brian too, but apparently he was an asshole, so that made it appear I was comfortably ahead in the race for her heart. I thought I was in love with a girl I had never even met face to face before. Eventually we "made it official" and started "dating". This consisted of us agreeing to one another that we were dating, and then announcing it to one or two people on our buddy lists. All was right with the world. Or so I thought (dun dun duuun). Weeks later the novelty of our beautiful cyber union had begun to wan for her and she became aloof (as aloof as a person communicating through text can be) and I started to panic. It was only a matter of time before she "broke up" with me. It hurt. It hurt bad.

In an act of defiance and anger I ran a postcard she had mailed me from when she was in Las Vegas with her mother through the shredder. That made me feel better for about seven to thirteen minutes. She wanted to "remain friends" and I had promised myself not to fall for that trick and to cut her out of my Internet life (or just life) completely, but of course I relented and we still chatted. Obviously it wasn't the same and I desperately wanted to breach the subject of "us" with her, but was reluctant to do so in fear of scaring her off. I vowed to myself that I would slowly but surely win her back by showing her what a catch I was. I had time, there was no rush.

There was a rush because while all of this was going on, Rita was getting very chummy with Brian G.'s best friend, who he had introduced her to as a means of gloating. She would drop slight hints about this guy, but they were always followed by what a jerk he was, so I wasn't too worried. Unfortunately the old adage held true about girls falling for jerks, because they become extremely close. They were exchanging lengthy e-mails to one another (like her and I used to do!) and soon took to talking on the phone (something she always ducked out of doing with me). Things were looking bleak. I was losing her to some asshole with a French sounding name. But I didn't give up hope completely. Naively I assumed my position as the nice guy, the best friend she came to do with all her problems would work in my favor in the long run. How stupid. I was thrown for a loop because she would constantly reiterate how much she loved me and that was enough for me to keep going. Finally I came out and told her that I was in love with her and wanted her back. She was very clear when she said that she "loved me as a friend, but was not in love with me." It was officially over. The dream was dead.

After that I stopped talking to her for about three months. Then we'd exchange polite e-mails every once in a while, but I just couldn't keep up the charade as if everything was fine and we were just two good friends catching up with each other. I was in love alone and there was no getting around that. I broke off communication with her completely.

This past August I spontaneously e-mailed Rita and we ended up chatting on AIM. I found out that she and Brian G.'s friend had gotten married and they now live in Texas. The five years that have come and gone helped cushion that blow, and while I am no longer "in love" with her, it still stung just a bit. But then I think about Brian G., the guy who was "there first" and how in the end, he's the one that got fucked over the most. The funny part though is, it's kind of his fault. If he had never introduced Rita to his buddy to brag, he might be the one married to her instead of him. Me? I was just a fifth wheel along for the ride. Never really a contestant in the "Rita sweepstakes" (I hope that doesn't come off as crass.) I never really had a shot, I was only a mere distraction, a reprieve from the chaos and adolescence hormones playing themselves out online. It was an interesting, albeit somewhat pathetic chapter in my life, but goddamn it sure is funny in retrospect.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Golden Globe Recap Post?

I'm a bit confused as to what this blog is about anymore. Initially I thought it was going to focus primarily on the trials and tribulations of a 20-something trapped in a perpetual state of adolescence. Then I thought it would just be a place for me to express my (illegal/morally reprehensible?) admiration for teenage girls. Finally I thought it would just be a place where I made fun of celebrities, kind of like that journalist Perez Hilton. My blog has gone through so many different identity crisis, I feel like a bi-racial person who has to choose between being black or being black but with lighter skin. It's very frustrating but at the same time I feel I have an unique perspective to be able to blog about anything I want. Since this is the internet and everyone's opinion is important, I'm under the delusion my blog can inspire people and help them gain insight into a particular subject they might have lacked before. That's why I think it's important I blog about last night's Golden Globes award ceremony.

Before I begin I just want make it absolutely clear that I did not physically watch the Golden Globes with my eyes and that I had no idea what a Golden Globe was until seventeen minutes ago. OK, so I guess the best course of action is to go down the list of winners and offer my unique and invaluable insight. So without further ado...

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture- Mo'nique,Precious
I remember I predicted this movie would win an Oscar in my now classic "Oscar Bait" post. I think Mo'nique deserved to win this award because she is generally considered a comedian and I feel that whenever a comedian steps out of their comfort zone and try their hand at drama they deserve to be recognized for it just because. It's like a truck driver trying to preform open heart surgery. Most likely they're going to fail, but they should receive accolades for being bold enough to try, even though someone needlessly died in the process.

Best Actress in a Television Series, Comedy or Musical- Toni Collette
, United States of Tara.
That's that show by Diablo Cody, the stripper who's responsible for Juno. I'm a bit appalled by this one. I honestly feel that Diablo Cody is a determent to humanity and all things pure. I feel she shouldn't be allowed to express herself creatively in any public forum available for mass consumption. Which reminds me and I forgot to mention this months ago, but I'm really pleased that her latest motion picture Jennifer's Body was a total box office failure.

Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- John Lithgow, Dexter.
Haha, he played that alien in that one show about aliens.

Best Animated Feature Film - Up.
My Mom liked this movie, so I don't really want to say anything derogatory about it because I want her to continue paying my rent.

Best Actor in a Television Series, Drama- Michael C. Hall, Dexter.
I don't know who that is. Is Dexter a live-action spin off to Dexter's Laboratory?

Best Actress in a Television Series, Drama- Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife.
I don't know what that is.

Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Grey Gardens.
Now I'm really confused. I thought Grey Gardens was a family friendly theme park or resort for middle-aged married couples on the brink of divorce.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy- Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia.
Isn't that the movie where she plays Mrs. Doubtfire but with Asperger syndrome and Amy Adams is her little sister who bonds with her over baking? Haha, sounds pretty screw ball, I'm glad it won.

Best Actor in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance.
Kevin Bacon showed his penis in Wild Things and in a deleted scene from Footloose.

Best Actress in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Drew Barrymore, Grey Gardens.
Again with the Grey Garden, what the hell.

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture- Jason Reitman, Up in The Air
I love the performance Reitman got out of George Clooney in this movie. I think this was his best work since Batman & Robin.

Best Actor in a Television Series, Comedy or Musical- Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock.
I read somewhere Alec's chest hair is so dense that Stephen Baldwin's career got lost in there, never to be found again.

Best Foreign Language Film-
The White Ribbon.
Sounds pretty foreign.

Best Television Series, Drama-
Mad Men.
This is that show about business men with erectile dysfunction if I'm not mistaken. A really powerful show for not being afraid to touch on taboo subjects like that. I'm really happy it won.

Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Chloe Sevigny, Big Love.
Chloe Sevigny preformed fellatio on Vincent Gallo.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture- Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds.
I think "bastards" is spelled incorrectly on purpose. Quentin Tarantino is such a visionary.

Best Director - Motion Picture- James Cameron, Avatar
Never heard of it.

Best Televison Series, Comedy or Musical- Glee
These are the same people that did "Prop 8 The Musical, right?

Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical- The Hangover.
This is the movie that launched the career of Jack Black.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama- Sandra Bullock, The Blindside.
I really hope she signs on for Speed 3: The Musical.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy- Robert
Downey Jr
., Sherlock Holmes
I liked him a lot in that movie where he was in black face, haha.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama- Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Remember "The Dude"? Hahaha, he wrote a check for a carton of milk!

And then Avatar won for best motion picture with blue people or some shit, blah blah blah.

Wow, that was really pointless.