Oscar bait!

I was glancing up at my "Ladies of Fox News" calendar and noticed it's "Oscar season", meaning the creative juggernauts over in Hollywood are rearing up to entice us, the movie-going masses, with their most worthy, artistically inclined films, AKA, Oscar Bait. What exactly is Oscar Bait you ask? Simply only the most pandering, agenda-oriented, contrived pieces of cinema Tinsel Town can squeeze out of her vaginal canal and into the big bad world of entertainment goddammit! Let's take a look at three such films being served up this season, shall we?

First up we have Precious, the story of an obese teenage Afro-American female who pretty much has every bad thing imaginable happen to her, like ever.


Like any Oscar Bait movie worth its weight in critical acclaim, this cinematic gem offers us an "underdog story", where the main character seems to have the entire world pitted against them, yet somehow they still manage to persevere and come out on top, like Rocky or that movie with the kid who saw dead people and became a social worker for ghost or something. Another key element for successful Oscar Bait is movies about minorities. Precious is looking like an early winner because not only is it about a black female underdog, but she's also horrendously fat. The academy loves stories about diabetic black teenage mothers! Bravo!

Next up we have The Blind Side, a movie about a large black teenager (hmmm, sounds vaguely familiar) who is homeless, yet overcomes this minor inconvenience to win a football scholarship or some such thing.


Wow, I kind of teared up a little there. This movie is Oscar Bait dynamite! We have another underdog story, we have an overweight black kid but wait, here's where it really gets good---we have a southern white woman to save the day! Hallelujah! There won't be a dry eye in the theater! Since 93% of everyone working in Hollywood is a white liberal suffering from chronic "white guilt", movies about concerned, good-hearted whites helping down and out black people is an all time favorite, especially during Oscar season. I'm really liking this movie's chances, people. Racism is bad!

Lastly we have Invictus , the story of an African soccer team? Or is that "squash" they're playing, I can't tell.


I think this movie might be based on "actual events", I'm not sure, I'm a blogger, not a history major, but I believe Morgan Freeman is playing some important historical figure. Anyway, this movie is Oscar Bait because it has: A)Underdogs, B)Blacks needing or enlisting the help of whites and C)Accents. Any movie where the characters use some sort of accent must be important, therefore are worthy for Oscar consideration. The fact this movie is based on real shit that went down just helps its case even more because what's more deserving of universal recognition then taking something that actually happened and glossing it over with the magic of Hollywood and taking extreme cinematic liberties? The answer? Not a goddamn thing!

There you have it, three feature films to look out for when those little statues of the naked guy start getting handed out left and right during some boring, self-important five hour show I may or may not blog about later on down the road. Goodnight!