I'm a professional blogger, that means I have many poignant life experiences under my belt. I've been around the block a few times and I know what's what, you know? I feel I'd be doing a great disservice to my millions of readers if I didn't share one of these experiences today. It's important that the reader have a solid relationship with the blogger, much like the relationship you share with your probation officer and or drug dealer. The following is a story taken from the book of my life.
The year was 2005 and I had just turned 19. I was attending a respectable community college and held a part time job stacking boxes. I was extremely lonely and comically depressed. As a member of Generation Y, I had a difficult time interacting with human beings face-to-face and preferred the comfort and familiarity of the internet and instant messaging. By early February I had hit rock bottom. I alienated everyone at work and virtually dropped out of school. I would drive to campus in the morning, park my car and sit there for five to six hours listening to Belle & Sebastian and doodling in my notebooks. In layman's terms I was acting like a complete "emo faggot."
My only solace was in AOL chat rooms. By '05 they were already a forgotten relic of a bygone era, but I still got a kick out of them. One night after work I entered a chat room created by AOL members called "Linkin Park." If you recall, chat rooms created by members feature a "bolt", meaning the person who created said room had the power to ban/kick anyone out of the room at their discretion. This is how I first met Rita. She wielded the power and authority of The Bolt and luckily for me I "passed the test" and was deemed cool enough to remain in the chat. Soon I would become a "regular", popping in every night after work and eventually screen names gave way to our IRL names and a friendship began to bloom.
Rita was 16 at the time and more depressed than me. We would stay up until the wee hours of the morning bemoaning how depressed and alienated we were and gradually I developed an "e-crush" on her. Now my days were spent waiting until I could get back online to chat with Rita and regal her with tales of all the injustices the world had done me and vice versa. Eventually she revealed she too had developed "feelings" for me and I was thrilled. My lonely days, it seemed, were over. I had found my soul mate thanks to the magic of American Online chat rooms. It was going to be her and I 4ever.
But, alas, a bump in the road surfaced. It seemed I wasn't the only sad bastard Rita had been "flirting" with online. I was sharing her affections with another member from the chat, Brian G. Rita "liked" Brian too, but apparently he was an asshole, so that made it appear I was comfortably ahead in the race for her heart. I thought I was in love with a girl I had never even met face to face before. Eventually we "made it official" and started "dating". This consisted of us agreeing to one another that we were dating, and then announcing it to one or two people on our buddy lists. All was right with the world. Or so I thought (dun dun duuun). Weeks later the novelty of our beautiful cyber union had begun to wan for her and she became aloof (as aloof as a person communicating through text can be) and I started to panic. It was only a matter of time before she "broke up" with me. It hurt. It hurt bad.
In an act of defiance and anger I ran a postcard she had mailed me from when she was in Las Vegas with her mother through the shredder. That made me feel better for about seven to thirteen minutes. She wanted to "remain friends" and I had promised myself not to fall for that trick and to cut her out of my Internet life (or just life) completely, but of course I relented and we still chatted. Obviously it wasn't the same and I desperately wanted to breach the subject of "us" with her, but was reluctant to do so in fear of scaring her off. I vowed to myself that I would slowly but surely win her back by showing her what a catch I was. I had time, there was no rush.
There was a rush because while all of this was going on, Rita was getting very chummy with Brian G.'s best friend, who he had introduced her to as a means of gloating. She would drop slight hints about this guy, but they were always followed by what a jerk he was, so I wasn't too worried. Unfortunately the old adage held true about girls falling for jerks, because they become extremely close. They were exchanging lengthy e-mails to one another (like her and I used to do!) and soon took to talking on the phone (something she always ducked out of doing with me). Things were looking bleak. I was losing her to some asshole with a French sounding name. But I didn't give up hope completely. Naively I assumed my position as the nice guy, the best friend she came to do with all her problems would work in my favor in the long run. How stupid. I was thrown for a loop because she would constantly reiterate how much she loved me and that was enough for me to keep going. Finally I came out and told her that I was in love with her and wanted her back. She was very clear when she said that she "loved me as a friend, but was not in love with me." It was officially over. The dream was dead.
After that I stopped talking to her for about three months. Then we'd exchange polite e-mails every once in a while, but I just couldn't keep up the charade as if everything was fine and we were just two good friends catching up with each other. I was in love alone and there was no getting around that. I broke off communication with her completely.
This past August I spontaneously e-mailed Rita and we ended up chatting on AIM. I found out that she and Brian G.'s friend had gotten married and they now live in Texas. The five years that have come and gone helped cushion that blow, and while I am no longer "in love" with her, it still stung just a bit. But then I think about Brian G., the guy who was "there first" and how in the end, he's the one that got fucked over the most. The funny part though is, it's kind of his fault. If he had never introduced Rita to his buddy to brag, he might be the one married to her instead of him. Me? I was just a fifth wheel along for the ride. Never really a contestant in the "Rita sweepstakes" (I hope that doesn't come off as crass.) I never really had a shot, I was only a mere distraction, a reprieve from the chaos and adolescence hormones playing themselves out online. It was an interesting, albeit somewhat pathetic chapter in my life, but goddamn it sure is funny in retrospect.
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