On: Tiger Woods.

I've avoided talking about the "Tiger Woods scandal" thus far because honestly, I didn't think it was blog worthy. According to Twitter trending topics, however, I was mistaken. Apparently AT&T has opted to discontinue sponsoring Mr. Woods in light of his recent troubles. In actuality, Tiger has decided to stop sponsoring AT&T. Here are some fun facts, Tiger Woods is rich. Tiger Woods pulls the most white bitches since Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods doesn't need AT&T. If Tiger wanted, he could BUY AT&T right now, fuck the finest white women working for the company and then retire to his yacht for the remainder of the day counting his money and counting down to the new year. Here's another fact, Tiger Woods IS golf. If Tiger decides he's taking a break from playing, guess what? No one gives a shit about golf anymore. People are so accustom to watching Tiger dominate on the course every year that anything less in unacceptable and quite frankly, boring as fuck.


Tiger is the equivalent to the emperor back in ancient Rome during the gladiator games who decides who lives and who dies and right now, Tiger has decreed golf will get devoured by the lions because he's on vacation from golf. I read that Tiger checked into sex rehab. All that means is Tiger hoped onto his private jet to scourge the globe for some white women he hasn't fucked yet. Tiger is on a pussy safari, so the hell with AT&T and to hell with golf. When Tiger's decided his insatiable appetite for Beckys can be put on hold for a few hours so he can hit a different kind of ball into some holes, then the game of golf will be relevant again. So until then...

Perpetual Adolescent Funk's New Years Resolution(s).

2009 has been a sonofabitch of a year and it goes without saying I am very eager to begin fresh with the dawn of a new decade, i.e. 2010. Like most Americans, I will make New Years Resolutions, hollow, half-assed declarations to improve myself in the coming year. Of course by the second week of January said resolutions will be long forgotten and I will quickly and easily fall back into my old, dangerous habits, but it's fun to humor oneself nonetheless. With that said, here are my New Years Resolutions for the year 2010:

-I will eat more kittens.


-I will rob more kittens at gunpoint.


-I will grab less ass and more boob.


-I will high-five more bobcats during my lunch break at work.


-I will adorn my newborn child with various cooperate logos in an attempt to generate more disposable income for my family.


-I will butt-fuck opposing players in my local adult soccer league.


-Will set fire to my hair and get an unnecessary amount of facial piercings.


-I will wear more ironic t-shirts and tentatively consider liposuction, then back out at the last minute because my HMO probably doesn't cover that.


-I will encourage my child to smoke only "lite" cigarettes in an effort to prolong his/her/its life expectancy by several weeks.


-I will eat you.


-I Will pretend Adam Sandler is still relevant/funny.


-I will ejaculate on more women from greater distances.


-I will have more threesomes with Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep.


-I will go to Wal-Mart with my life partner of 20 years and have our picture taken to include in holiday greeting cards.


-I will clone myself and do a copious amount of cocaine.


-I will fuck this man in the beard.


-I will enthusiastically perform amateur pap smears on all of my female acquaintances.


-I will sexually harass more women in the office.


-I will became a complete and utter douche bag/tool.


-I will enjoy more hardcore pornography with friends and loved ones instead of alone or at an internet cafe.


-I will experiment more with alternative lifestyles.


I will NOT watch the Oscars.


HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

This Was Never Funny.

Hello and welcome to This Was Never Funny, a new segment of the blog where I present something that has never been funny, yet continues to exist in some form or another in popular culture. Today's "winner" is: White people wearing giant afro wigs.


This is not now, nor has it ever been even remotely funny. It's not even funny in a painfully self-aware, post-post-post ironic meta sort of way. It's just uninspired and embarrassing. I know white people have a history of hijacking black fashion styles, music, manner of speech, motherland, etc., but the giant afro wig is just inexcusable.


Even though I don't advocate this kind of dumbass-ness (it's a word, look it up), I think I would prefer white folks going the "black face route" and dressing up as their "favorite rapper", ala a campus Halloween party at some college in Texas/North Carolina/Boston. At least this is "pushing the envelope" some and is funny in a "My God, I can't believe how outrageous/utterly offensive this is" kind of way.


When The Whites put their minds to it, they can be quiet hilarious, all I ask is that they try harder and don't take the easy way out by purchasing a giant afro wig at the local costume shop/Wal-Mart Super Store or wherever the hell those things are bought. Don't sell yourself short, you're "better than that".

Merry Christmas everyone.

DISCLAIMER: Hey everyone, this post is going to be about Christmas, so if you're one of those liberals who gets all "butt hurt" when bloggers like myself assume everyone is a Christian of some sort and celebrates Christmas, you might want to stop reading now.

So anyway, I want to talk about the real reason we celebrate Christmas in this blog entry. It's not about receiving presents or candy cane BJs during the annual Holiday office party. Christmas is really about the birth of Jesus Christ about 90 years ago on December 25th. Jesus was a "pretty big deal", he was the son of God, even though he was raised by a janitor named Joseph because God was pretty busy making bad stuff happen to good people and couldn't really be bothered with raising a kid at the time.


Jesus was a "gifted" child, he graduated from the University of Phoenix when he was only 15 and got a job as a paid intern for some major marketing firm. When he was 33 he mysteriously died after finding a cure for AIDS only months before. His legacy lives on in films, bloody conflicts in countries I can't pronounce and the popular children's book "The Bible."


Christmas is a celebration of this great man's life, so when you're opening presents and having a temper tantrum because Santa didn't bring you that WiFit you wanted, remember Jesus and the fact that he cured AIDS for you and your sins.

Top 10 Celebrity Quotes of The Decade!

This decade is damn near done with and I felt now would be the proper time to hit you with the Top 10 Celebrity Quotes of The 2000's. These are some of the most hilarious, controversial and profound things our most beloved celebrities have uttered these last nine years, so sit back and get ready to laugh/cry/shake your heads in dismay!

10: "Please pay attention to me." -Perez Hilton


9: "This is it." -Michael Jackson


8: "I don't care for black people very much." -Michael Richards


7: "Let's do some cocaine." -Lindsay Lohan


6: "How about a blow job today?" -Paris Hilton



5: "Let's do some cocaine." -Britney Spears


4: "We believe in God." -The Jonas Brothers


3: "Bill O'Reilly can suck my dick. And yes, it does lean towards the left." -Keiff Oblermann


2: "BRB, water-boarding." -Dick Cheney


1: "I like to fuck women who are not my wife, now leave me alone." -Tiger Woods


There you have it folks, the Top 10 Celebrity Quotes of The Decade. I can't wait to hear what they're gonna say next time around!

On the subject of high school.

Lately I've been having nightly dreams about being in high school again. I don't know what these dreams mean, I misplaced my dream interpretation device a while ago, but I was compelled to write this free-form poem on the subject.

Eating lunch in the bleachers
It was hella senior year
Ditching Algebra 2 and going to Rite Aide to buy chocolate eggs
It was hella senior year
Experimenting with "indie culture" for the first time
It was hella senior year
Flunking "gimme" classes, like Art and P.E.
It was hella senior year
Playing 'Unreal Tournament' in computer science class
It was hella senior year
Stalking girls at a safe distance to stare at their jean-clad asses
It was hella senior year
Refusing to wear school colors on Spirit Day
It was hella senior year
Maintaining a 1.5 GPA
It was hella senior year
Cute Asian girl who always wore a navy windbreaker, was she flirting with me?
It was hella senior year
Going to summer school for the sixth straight year
It was hella, senior year.

I think everyone should go watch Never Been Kissed tonight in honor of high school & feeling like you've peaked at 17.


"It was hella senior year."

This is another post about Christina Ricci.

I was watching Addam's Family Values on my television set and decided I needed to post hella pictures of Christina Ricci on my blog. The beauty of having your own blog is you can pretty much post whatever you want and people can either read it or skim through it or not read it at all but still "hate" on it or not read it and not hate and just get on with their lives. This is why I love existing on the internet.





















Legit.