Perpetual Adolescent Funk's New Years Resolution(s).

2009 has been a sonofabitch of a year and it goes without saying I am very eager to begin fresh with the dawn of a new decade, i.e. 2010. Like most Americans, I will make New Years Resolutions, hollow, half-assed declarations to improve myself in the coming year. Of course by the second week of January said resolutions will be long forgotten and I will quickly and easily fall back into my old, dangerous habits, but it's fun to humor oneself nonetheless. With that said, here are my New Years Resolutions for the year 2010:

-I will eat more kittens.


-I will rob more kittens at gunpoint.


-I will grab less ass and more boob.


-I will high-five more bobcats during my lunch break at work.


-I will adorn my newborn child with various cooperate logos in an attempt to generate more disposable income for my family.


-I will butt-fuck opposing players in my local adult soccer league.


-Will set fire to my hair and get an unnecessary amount of facial piercings.


-I will wear more ironic t-shirts and tentatively consider liposuction, then back out at the last minute because my HMO probably doesn't cover that.


-I will encourage my child to smoke only "lite" cigarettes in an effort to prolong his/her/its life expectancy by several weeks.


-I will eat you.


-I Will pretend Adam Sandler is still relevant/funny.


-I will ejaculate on more women from greater distances.


-I will have more threesomes with Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep.


-I will go to Wal-Mart with my life partner of 20 years and have our picture taken to include in holiday greeting cards.


-I will clone myself and do a copious amount of cocaine.


-I will fuck this man in the beard.


-I will enthusiastically perform amateur pap smears on all of my female acquaintances.


-I will sexually harass more women in the office.


-I will became a complete and utter douche bag/tool.


-I will enjoy more hardcore pornography with friends and loved ones instead of alone or at an internet cafe.


-I will experiment more with alternative lifestyles.


I will NOT watch the Oscars.


HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!