Can we seriously get serious for a moment? Seriously.

I'm a professional blogger, that means I have many poignant life experiences under my belt. I've been around the block a few times and I know what's what, you know? I feel I'd be doing a great disservice to my millions of readers if I didn't share one of these experiences today. It's important that the reader have a solid relationship with the blogger, much like the relationship you share with your probation officer and or drug dealer. The following is a story taken from the book of my life.

The year was 2005 and I had just turned 19. I was attending a respectable community college and held a part time job stacking boxes. I was extremely lonely and comically depressed. As a member of Generation Y, I had a difficult time interacting with human beings face-to-face and preferred the comfort and familiarity of the internet and instant messaging. By early February I had hit rock bottom. I alienated everyone at work and virtually dropped out of school. I would drive to campus in the morning, park my car and sit there for five to six hours listening to Belle & Sebastian and doodling in my notebooks. In layman's terms I was acting like a complete "emo faggot."


My only solace was in AOL chat rooms. By '05 they were already a forgotten relic of a bygone era, but I still got a kick out of them. One night after work I entered a chat room created by AOL members called "Linkin Park." If you recall, chat rooms created by members feature a "bolt", meaning the person who created said room had the power to ban/kick anyone out of the room at their discretion. This is how I first met Rita. She wielded the power and authority of The Bolt and luckily for me I "passed the test" and was deemed cool enough to remain in the chat. Soon I would become a "regular", popping in every night after work and eventually screen names gave way to our IRL names and a friendship began to bloom.

Rita was 16 at the time and more depressed than me. We would stay up until the wee hours of the morning bemoaning how depressed and alienated we were and gradually I developed an "e-crush" on her. Now my days were spent waiting until I could get back online to chat with Rita and regal her with tales of all the injustices the world had done me and vice versa. Eventually she revealed she too had developed "feelings" for me and I was thrilled. My lonely days, it seemed, were over. I had found my soul mate thanks to the magic of American Online chat rooms. It was going to be her and I 4ever.

But, alas, a bump in the road surfaced. It seemed I wasn't the only sad bastard Rita had been "flirting" with online. I was sharing her affections with another member from the chat, Brian G. Rita "liked" Brian too, but apparently he was an asshole, so that made it appear I was comfortably ahead in the race for her heart. I thought I was in love with a girl I had never even met face to face before. Eventually we "made it official" and started "dating". This consisted of us agreeing to one another that we were dating, and then announcing it to one or two people on our buddy lists. All was right with the world. Or so I thought (dun dun duuun). Weeks later the novelty of our beautiful cyber union had begun to wan for her and she became aloof (as aloof as a person communicating through text can be) and I started to panic. It was only a matter of time before she "broke up" with me. It hurt. It hurt bad.

In an act of defiance and anger I ran a postcard she had mailed me from when she was in Las Vegas with her mother through the shredder. That made me feel better for about seven to thirteen minutes. She wanted to "remain friends" and I had promised myself not to fall for that trick and to cut her out of my Internet life (or just life) completely, but of course I relented and we still chatted. Obviously it wasn't the same and I desperately wanted to breach the subject of "us" with her, but was reluctant to do so in fear of scaring her off. I vowed to myself that I would slowly but surely win her back by showing her what a catch I was. I had time, there was no rush.

There was a rush because while all of this was going on, Rita was getting very chummy with Brian G.'s best friend, who he had introduced her to as a means of gloating. She would drop slight hints about this guy, but they were always followed by what a jerk he was, so I wasn't too worried. Unfortunately the old adage held true about girls falling for jerks, because they become extremely close. They were exchanging lengthy e-mails to one another (like her and I used to do!) and soon took to talking on the phone (something she always ducked out of doing with me). Things were looking bleak. I was losing her to some asshole with a French sounding name. But I didn't give up hope completely. Naively I assumed my position as the nice guy, the best friend she came to do with all her problems would work in my favor in the long run. How stupid. I was thrown for a loop because she would constantly reiterate how much she loved me and that was enough for me to keep going. Finally I came out and told her that I was in love with her and wanted her back. She was very clear when she said that she "loved me as a friend, but was not in love with me." It was officially over. The dream was dead.

After that I stopped talking to her for about three months. Then we'd exchange polite e-mails every once in a while, but I just couldn't keep up the charade as if everything was fine and we were just two good friends catching up with each other. I was in love alone and there was no getting around that. I broke off communication with her completely.

This past August I spontaneously e-mailed Rita and we ended up chatting on AIM. I found out that she and Brian G.'s friend had gotten married and they now live in Texas. The five years that have come and gone helped cushion that blow, and while I am no longer "in love" with her, it still stung just a bit. But then I think about Brian G., the guy who was "there first" and how in the end, he's the one that got fucked over the most. The funny part though is, it's kind of his fault. If he had never introduced Rita to his buddy to brag, he might be the one married to her instead of him. Me? I was just a fifth wheel along for the ride. Never really a contestant in the "Rita sweepstakes" (I hope that doesn't come off as crass.) I never really had a shot, I was only a mere distraction, a reprieve from the chaos and adolescence hormones playing themselves out online. It was an interesting, albeit somewhat pathetic chapter in my life, but goddamn it sure is funny in retrospect.

Golden Globe Recap Post?

I'm a bit confused as to what this blog is about anymore. Initially I thought it was going to focus primarily on the trials and tribulations of a 20-something trapped in a perpetual state of adolescence. Then I thought it would just be a place for me to express my (illegal/morally reprehensible?) admiration for teenage girls. Finally I thought it would just be a place where I made fun of celebrities, kind of like that journalist Perez Hilton. My blog has gone through so many different identity crisis, I feel like a bi-racial person who has to choose between being black or being black but with lighter skin. It's very frustrating but at the same time I feel I have an unique perspective to be able to blog about anything I want. Since this is the internet and everyone's opinion is important, I'm under the delusion my blog can inspire people and help them gain insight into a particular subject they might have lacked before. That's why I think it's important I blog about last night's Golden Globes award ceremony.


Before I begin I just want make it absolutely clear that I did not physically watch the Golden Globes with my eyes and that I had no idea what a Golden Globe was until seventeen minutes ago. OK, so I guess the best course of action is to go down the list of winners and offer my unique and invaluable insight. So without further ado...

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture- Mo'nique,Precious
I remember I predicted this movie would win an Oscar in my now classic "Oscar Bait" post. I think Mo'nique deserved to win this award because she is generally considered a comedian and I feel that whenever a comedian steps out of their comfort zone and try their hand at drama they deserve to be recognized for it just because. It's like a truck driver trying to preform open heart surgery. Most likely they're going to fail, but they should receive accolades for being bold enough to try, even though someone needlessly died in the process.

Best Actress in a Television Series, Comedy or Musical- Toni Collette, United States of Tara.
That's that show by Diablo Cody, the stripper who's responsible for Juno. I'm a bit appalled by this one. I honestly feel that Diablo Cody is a determent to humanity and all things pure. I feel she shouldn't be allowed to express herself creatively in any public forum available for mass consumption. Which reminds me and I forgot to mention this months ago, but I'm really pleased that her latest motion picture Jennifer's Body was a total box office failure.

Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- John Lithgow, Dexter.
Haha, he played that alien in that one show about aliens.

Best Animated Feature Film - Up.
My Mom liked this movie, so I don't really want to say anything derogatory about it because I want her to continue paying my rent.

Best Actor in a Television Series, Drama- Michael C. Hall, Dexter.
I don't know who that is. Is Dexter a live-action spin off to Dexter's Laboratory?


Best Actress in a Television Series, Drama- Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife.
I don't know what that is.

Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Grey Gardens.
Now I'm really confused. I thought Grey Gardens was a family friendly theme park or resort for middle-aged married couples on the brink of divorce.


Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy- Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia.
Isn't that the movie where she plays Mrs. Doubtfire but with Asperger syndrome and Amy Adams is her little sister who bonds with her over baking? Haha, sounds pretty screw ball, I'm glad it won.

Best Actor in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance.
Kevin Bacon showed his penis in Wild Things and in a deleted scene from Footloose.

Best Actress in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Drew Barrymore, Grey Gardens.
Again with the Grey Garden, what the hell.

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture- Jason Reitman, Up in The Air
I love the performance Reitman got out of George Clooney in this movie. I think this was his best work since Batman & Robin.

Best Actor in a Television Series, Comedy or Musical- Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock.
I read somewhere Alec's chest hair is so dense that Stephen Baldwin's career got lost in there, never to be found again.

Best Foreign Language Film- The White Ribbon.
Sounds pretty foreign.

Best Television Series, Drama- Mad Men.
This is that show about business men with erectile dysfunction if I'm not mistaken. A really powerful show for not being afraid to touch on taboo subjects like that. I'm really happy it won.

Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television- Chloe Sevigny, Big Love.
Chloe Sevigny preformed fellatio on Vincent Gallo.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture- Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds.
I think "bastards" is spelled incorrectly on purpose. Quentin Tarantino is such a visionary.

Best Director - Motion Picture- James Cameron, Avatar
Never heard of it.

Best Televison Series, Comedy or Musical- Glee
These are the same people that did "Prop 8 The Musical, right?

Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical- The Hangover.
This is the movie that launched the career of Jack Black.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama- Sandra Bullock, The Blindside.
I really hope she signs on for Speed 3: The Musical.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy- Robert
Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
I liked him a lot in that movie where he was in black face, haha.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama- Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Remember "The Dude"? Hahaha, he wrote a check for a carton of milk!

And then Avatar won for best motion picture with blue people or some shit, blah blah blah.

Wow, that was really pointless.

A Brief Reflection On Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Around this time every year we reflect on the life of a great man, Martin Luther King Jr. aka MLK aka Tha Kang. When Martin died on the cross for our sins forty-one years ago he consummated the movement that today makes it possible for men like Tyler Perry to flood cable stations and movie theaters with modern day minstrel shows and unadulterated buffoonery. When MLK had a dream, he dreamed of a 6'5 black man dressed up in drag wielding a gun. He dreamed of hackneyed plot devices and broad, one dimensional characters. He dreamed of pandering to a specific demographic and milking that cash cow for all it was worth. This was his dream and we can proudly say that dreams do come true.

Top Ten Box Office Movie Reviews Part 2

Sheeeeeiiiit. I haven't been to the movies in years it seems. I firmly believe American cinema peaked during the summer of 2007 with the arrival of Superbad and since then has slowly but surely regressed, like A.J. from the Backstreet Boys hairline:
(Damn, I can't believe I went there.)

But what do I know, like I said, I haven't been to "the theater" in like, forever. Fortunately that minor detail won't prevent me from reviewing the top ten grossing movies in the box office this week, or last week or whatever week this is. I'm not sure anymore, I have a substance abuse problem. LET'S GO!


Avatar- I really don't know what to say about this movie. I've seen the previews, I've read the rave reviews and I'm following relevant celebs on twitter who vouch for it, but shit. I just don't have any desire to watch this. Plus, I think it's one of those movies that try and subtlety throw in some kind of message about how humans are scum and are destroying the earth or some bullshit like that. WHATEVER Al Gore.

Sherlock Holmes- You know, for all intent and purposes, Robert Downey Jr. should be dead right now, or at the very least appearing alongside Gary Busey in some shitty B movie cop drama that goes straight to DVD/the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. But no, he's conquered his demons and is really making good over there in Hollywood. However, I think the only way I'd even remotely consider seeing this movie is if Gary Busey played Watson.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel- I really don't have to say anything about this one, it speaks for itself.

Daybreakers- OKAY, let me get this straight: this movie is about vampires, but it's not a love story with a Mormon abstinence message undertone and sparkly bloodsuckers? Haha, yeah right, and there was a sixth Rocky film! Psh, you must think I'm stupid!

It's Complicated- No, it's not really. It's rather simple, Alec Baldwin will never turn down any role. Ever.

Leap Year- This movie is weird. It seems like it only exists to exist. Like someone just said "Hey, I think we should do a movie with Amy Adams just for the fuck of it." and whoever green lights these pieces of shit was like "Sure, what the hell. Just throw something together and we'll start shooting right away. Fuck it." Then again I think I just described 80% of all movies but OMG Amy Adams is so adorable though!!!!

The Blindside- WTF? This is still in theaters? Damn, I guess people really do love "feel-good" movies. Haha, people are so stupid! Except for me of course, I have a blog.

Up In The Air- Ugh.

Youth in Revolt- In which Michael Cera stretches himself as an actor and plays Michael Cera playing Michael Cera as a little bit of a douche. So just Michael Cera. Haha, just kidding, I read he's very sweet in real life and likes to play the guitar.

The Princess and the Frog- Oh my God! A Disney animated movie with black people as the main characters?! Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen body is turning in its, um, meat locker right now! I like how the movie is set in 1920's New Orleans and there's probably nary a mention of, I don't know, the rampant racism that was common during that time (AKA The Shawshank Redemption syndrome.) Haha, I love fairy tales.

Looks like it's been a good year for movies thus far. I look forward to critiquing more in the near future. Until then, I leave you with this: