The Bible for dummies.

Hello, greetings, what's up, welcome, sup? This is a new feature to the blog where I will select a story from The Bible and present it in a concise, elementary way so half-wits and children can understand it clearly. The Bible should not be exclusive to only people with a 1st grade education and theologists, it should be all inclusive, like a holy orgy.


Today's story is "The Serpent in The Garden" or "How Women Done Fucked Up".
The most cunning of the beasts which the Lord had made was the serpent, and the serpent said to the woman: "Hey girl, did God forbid you to eat the fruit of the trees of the garden?" The woman said: "We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden except the tree which is in the middle of the garden. Of this God said, 'You shall not eat of it nor touch it, lest your ass wants to die.'" "Bullshit, you will not die", said the serpent. "God knows that the day you eat of the fruit your eyes will be like gods, knowing good from evil and shit." The woman looked at the tree and saw that it was pleasant to the eyes and good for eating. So she said "fuck it" and picked some of the fruit and ate it. She gave some also to her husband who was with her, and he ate it too because the woman would not stop nagging him about its nutritional value and he wasn't trying to hear all that noise.


Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were buck ass naked. So the woman sewed some fig leaves together to cover themselves up. In the cool of the day the Lord strolled through the garden. The man and the woman heard the voice of the Lord and thought "Oh shit!" so they hid themselves from his presence, among the trees in the garden. The Lord God called to man saying: "Where you at? How come you aren't answering my texts?" "I have heard your voice in the garden," said man. "I was afraid because I was naked and aroused, so I hid... myself." "Who told you that you were naked?" asked the Lord God. "Wait, did you eat the fruit from that tree which I distinctly told your dumb ass not to eat from?" Man said "See, what had happened was the woman whom you gave me to be with gave me fruit of the tree and I ate it 'cuz the bitch ain't say at the time which tree she got it from." The Lord God said to the woman: "What is this you have done?" "The serpent tempted me," said the woman, "and I ate. Shit, I was hungry and that was some good-ass fruit."


The Lord God said to the serpent: "Because you have done this, you are cursed above all cattle and above every beast of the field. You ain't gonna have no legs, so yo' ass is crawling on your belly and eating dust from here on out." To the woman he said: "I will multiply your suffering. You shall bring forth your children in sorrow and for happiness you shall depend on your husband, and he shall rule over you." To the man he said: "Because you listened to the voice of your wife like a tool and ate the forbidden fruit, the ground shall be cursed beneath you. In sorrow you shall eat of it every day of your life. Thorns and thistles it will bring forth for you, and you shall eat the grass of the field. By the sweat of your brow you---" suddenly man threw his arms in the air and interrupted God and said: "Damn, all this for eating some apricots?! You know what, we're just gonna head on out of the garden and set up camp elsewhere if it's all the same to you. No disrespect, but you're a horrible landlord, bruh. You are overreacting like a motherfucker my dude, for real. So just knit us some buffalo hides or something to wear and we'll be out."


And that's the story of "original sin" and the origin of the universally accepted sexism that became common place in many societies throughout the world! :)