In this segment of the blog I will list the top ten movies in this week's box office and "review" them. Translation: I will "shit on" the top ten box office movies in a flippant, smug manner, possibly out of jealously for not being talented enough to write/direct/act in even the shittest of films. (Disclaimer: I have not actually seen any of the following movies.)
Couples Retreat- This movie reminds me of "Wedding Crashers", except there's no wedding. Vince Vaughn is one of my favorite actors/guys who play themselves in movies, despite the fact he's a republican. I wish him no ill will personally, but this film is pretty awful.
Zombieland- Remember that post I did about Jesse Eisenberg out Michael Cera-ing Michael Cera? You don't? You're new to this blog? What? Oh, you stumbled upon it by mistake searching for amateur pornography? It happens. Anyway, Zombieland seems like an Americanized version of "Shaun Of The Dead" sans Simon Pegg and the "British" humor I hear so much about. Instead we get pot-loving Woody Harrelson and the nebish Eisenberg. I would probably watch this movie if someone else was paying for my ticket and I was allowed to use both cup holders, one for my 64 ounce Dr. Pepper and the other to rest my arm.
Cloudy With a Chance Of Meatballs- This is a "3D animated" film based off of a children's book, but it's accessible for "adults too". I'd rather just watch the original "Shrek" for free and relive the "glory days" of Mike Myers before "The Love Guru" killed a little bit of everyone's spirit.
Paranormal Activity- I'm thinking this movie is kind of like the "Blair Witch Project" for the Twitter generation. A low budget horror film that gains momentum by word of mouth and effective PR gimmicks (accounts of people fainting/vomiting in the theaters because the movie is sooo scary.)While I didn't hate the Blair Witch Project, and actually found the ending to be a bit unnerving and sorta worth the four hours of improvisation, I wouldn't shell out the twenty dollars to see it in theaters, same goes for Paranormal Activity. (Movies cost twenty dollars now, right?)
Toy Story/Toy Story 2- I don't understand this 3D shit. Wasn't "Toy Story" already in "3D"? I think I might "hate" people who go see this movie and that worries me. :(
Surrogates- I think this is just "I am Robot/Minority Report" with Bruce Willis. Another republican who is "aight" in my book, sometimes.
The Invention of Lying- The guy who created the original Office is in this and like the original Office, I would probably have a hard time enjoying this film because I wouldn't be able to discern what the characters are saying/"get" the sophisticated humor that the Brits pride themselves on. I'm just not that smart. :(
Whip It- Juno and Drew Barrymore are in this. It's about an all girls roller derby league. Sounds kind of "sexy", but is it sexy enough to spend my "hard earned" money to see? No.
Capitalism: A Love Story- Let me sum this movie up for you in one sentence: "America is bad/has a lot of "issues", boo America!"
Fame- The Television show looked like it sucked a copious amount of ass, same can be said for the movie. The only reason it even made the top ten is because people are still very much in love with this whole "80s nostalgia" bullshit fad. PLUS, WHO COULD RESIST THE LEG WARMERS???!!!!
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