Step your religion game up, homie.

I'm going to be honest with you guys, I'm pretty scared. I'm scared about the future and my own mortality. As I've documented in a past post, 2009 has been a pretty shitty year as far as staying alive is concerned. It seems like every time I boot up my computer and sign into Twitter, I find out about another dead celebrity. Or every time I turn on FOX News I see a mob group of belligerent concerned white people protesting something stupid Barack Obama has done (according to aging lesbian Janeane Garofalo, these people are called "redneck teabaggers.") Or when I switch over to The History Channel I see a bunch of shows about "The end of the world" & "disaster programs".


I read somewhere that the world is definitely going to end in the year 2012, Hollywood even made a movie about it and cast John Cusack, so it must be true.


I'm at a crossroads. If we as a species only have roughly two in a half more years to kick it, I don't think I want to squander it by continuing to lead a meaningless, empty existence. I want to believe in something bigger than myself. I want to believe in "God." When an asteroid crashes into the Earth killing everyone instantaneously and Jesus comes back to judge our smoldering souls, I want Him to say to me, "Hey. Guess what? We have a room in Heaven with your name on it, guy." I'm ready to get saved.


Now comes the hard part. What's the best/right way to "believe in God?" There are literally hella different denominations of the Christian faith, so which one is the legit one? The only thing I know for sure is that Islam is obviously not the way to go. (They believe in a brown God/fake God who hates baseball and freedom) I went on Wikipedia and did some extensive research on Christianity to try and help me make an informed and correct decision on my quest for eternal salvation and complete indoctrination.

Apparently "Judaism" was like the "first religion ever" and a sort of precursor to Christianity as we know it today. I guess back in the day God was really tight with The Jews and made them His "Chosen People" (kind of like His "clique" or "entourage" in modern terms.) I was just about ready to say Fuck it and convert to Judaism, but then I found out The Jews murdered Jesus, and, on top of that, don't really believe he was magic and shit. I don't know about you, but it seems highly unlikely I'd get into Heaven as a Jew if Jesus is the one manning the entrance, know what I mean?


Next I checked out Catholicism. It seemed pretty intense. You have to repent for every bad thing you've ever done in your life ever, no matter how minor and you're not allowed to masturbate and can only have sex when you're married (strictly for reproductive purposes, anything else is considered sinful and gross.) Being Catholic sounded like a lot of hard work and I'm pretty lazy. Plus, I was afraid I'd turn into a little boy fucker and I'd have to wear one of those "gay ass" robe/dress deals.


Finally I got bored and was just like, shit man, can't I just say I'm a plain old "Christian" without having to identify with any specific branch or subgroup? I tried "praying" to God asking Him to tell me what I should do, but I haven't heard back yet. I'm afraid by the time I actually figure this mess out, it will be too late and I would have wasted what little time I have left weighting the pros and cons of something that may or may not even be all that important. I mean, what if Scientology was invented trillions of years ago instead of Christianity or Islam? The majority of people would be Scientologist and no one would bat an eye or try and contain themselves from bursting out into uncontrollable laughter because Scientology would be viewed as a universally accepted religion, unlike the bizarrely curious joke it is today. But who's to say "they're right" and the "other side is wrong"?

We're all just insignificant specks in this vast, unwieldy universe and the truth of the matter is, we don't matter. We're expendable and whether or not the world ends in 2012 because of a biblical prophecy or "global warming", it's not going to change the fact that in the end, we're all eventually going to get cancer and die anyway, only to rot in the ground and maybe come back as Marvel zombies.